Jokes of the day for Friday, 16 January 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 16 January 2009

This woman is about to board a...

This woman is about to board a bus, but when she steps up, she realizes that her skirt is too tight, and she can't lift her leg to board. So, she reaches around behind her and lowers her zipper a bit and tries again.

Skirt's still too tight, so she reaches behind her and lowers her zipper some more, and tries again. She still can't get on, so she reaches back and lowers the zipper a bit more. She tries to step up, and feels two hands on her butt push her up onto the bus. She spins around and says, "Sir, I don't know you well enough for you to do that!"

He says, "Lady, I sure don't know you well enough for you to lower my zipper three times."

#joke

Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead

Currently 6.20/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (10)

Physics...

One day our physics professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It keeps the idiots out of medical school," replied the professor.

#joke

Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.

Currently 5.46/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (13)

SLIDESHOW #60 - Funny Photo Slideshow

What lies on the seabed and qu...

What lies on the seabed and quivers?

A nervous wreck

Douglas Oliver, Leith
If you have a joke you would like to share with us e-mail: letters_en@edinburgh news.com

The full article contains 36 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.

Page 1 of 1

#joke #short

Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day

Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (2)

How do you confuse a supermode...

How do you confuse a supermodel? Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner.

#joke #short

Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.

Currently 6.75/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (4)

Be Politically Correct

How to be Politically Correct when talking about Men (Or Army Men)

He does not have a beer gut...

He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.(regular guys)

He has a personal war reserve stock.(army guys)

He is not quiet...

He is a Conversational Minimalist.

He is a SAMS grad.

He is not stupid...

He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.

He is a field grade.

He does not get lost all the time...

He discovers Alternative Destinations.

He gets temporarily misoriented.

He is not balding...

He is in Follicle Regression.

He has a REALLY squared away high and tight.

He is not a cradle robber...

He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.

He is breaking the new fraternization policies.

He does not get falling-down drunk...

He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.

He practices his IMTs in the club.

He is not short...

He is Anatomically Compact.

He suffers from a Napoleon Complex.

He does not have a rich daddy...

He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.

He has the Army as a hobby.

He does not constantly talk about cars...

He has a Vehicular Addiction.

He must be a Transporter.

He does not have a hot body...

He is Physically Combustible.

He is a PT stud.

He is not unsophisticated...

He is Socially Challenged.

He is a Ranger.

He does not eat like a pig...

He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.

He eats like a Ranger student at Pizza Hut.

He is not a bad dancer...

He is Overly Caucasian.

He is from the Muddy Boots Army.

He does not hog the blankets...

He is Thermally Unappreciative.

He is a Blue Falcon.

He is not a male chauvinist pig...

He has Swine Empathy.

He must be combat arms.

He is not afraid of commitment...

He is Monogamously Challenged.

He loves TDY.

#joke #animal #pig #food #pizza #drinks #beer

Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.

Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (7)

Happy New Year…Is Everybody Happy!!!??? (Author A. Nonymous)

I want you to be the first to send you this Happy New Year g Answering Machine Messages

Hi, this is Stephanie's answering machine.

If you're the phone company asking for money, stop bugging her, she'll send it sooner or later. If you're a TV company advertising TVs, she already has a TV with every channel known to man, and several known to monkeys.

If you called for any other reasons, please hang up the phone, start screaming, and run to the nearest shoe store. When you get there, ask them for a cheeseburger. (This probably won't help you, but we'll always have something to laugh about when we're bored.)

Answering Machine Messages

#joke #newyear #animal #monkey

Happy New Year…Is Everybody Happy!!!??? (Author A. Nonymous)

I want you to be the first to send you this Happy New Year g">Joke | Source: Joke of the day - Jokes of the day on Wordpress

Currently 3.62/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (13)

The Date

A man drives his date up to lovers lane and parks. "I have to be honest with you" the woman says as the guy makes his move."I`m a hooker".
The man thinks about this for a bit and decides he`s ok with it. He agrees to pay her $25 and they go at it.

After they finish, the guy says,

"Now I should be honest too. I`m a cab driver and its going to cost you $25 to get back to town".

#joke

Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily

Currently 7.86/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (57)

Pig with three eyes?

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

A piiig

#joke #short #animal #pig

Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor

Currently 2.63/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (8)

Come On Mister

A naked man runs into a tailor's shop.
The tailor says, "You can't be in here with no clothes on!"
The man says, "Come on mister, cut me some slacks?"

#joke #short

Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment

Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

Phobia

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.
"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said the man.
Six months later the doctor met the man on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

#joke #doctor

Currently 5.25/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (4)

Golden Saloon

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the
door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden.
It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the
phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.
She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the
phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,

"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"

#joke

Currently 6.75/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (12)

Color Me Purple

I just found out I'm colorblind.
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple

#joke #short

Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment

Currently 8.73/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (11)

Finally, A Good Trump Joke

Donald is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts 'Mickey Mouse!'
This startles the would-be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, 'What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?'
Blushing, the agent replies, 'I got nervous. I meant to shout 'Donald, duck!'

#joke #animal #mouse

Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.

Currently 7.34/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (83)

The Three Little Pig...

“The Three Little Pigs order off the vegan menu, but Mary Had a Little Lamb.”

#joke #short #animal #pig #lamb

Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.

Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

A husband is advised by a psyc...

A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife henpeck you! Go home and show her you are the boss!"

Of course, the husband takes the doctor's advice. He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife's face, and growls, "From now on, you're taking orders from me! I want my supper right now and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys and you are going to stay at home where you belong! And another thing... guess who's going to comb my hair, give me a shave, and tie my necktie?"

His redheaded wife says calmly, "The undertaker."

#joke #doctor

Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead

Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (12)

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