Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 31 March 2009

FBI agents conducted a raid of...

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud.
After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records,
the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite.
The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor
with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place:
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors.
We have them locked.
You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right.
Everyone here is an FBI agent.
Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear?
We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so.
Click.

Q: What is a ...

Q: What is a blonde's favorite wine?
A: Daddy, I want to go to Miami!

5 Things Women Will Never Understand

Men are a misunderstood lot, which all in all is probably for the best. Women are better off not knowing that we eat with our hands the minute they leave the room or that we use their nail clippers to trim our nose hair. Better for them, better for us. Still, it's annoying that women spend more time and money trying to understand the minds of cats than they do wondering about what makes men tick. Which is why they'll never understand...

How do you make a bandstand? How do you make a bandstand?

Take away their chairs!

#joke #short

A Meeting With the Board

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger.
“You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board,” said the minister.
“I know,” said the man. “If there is anyone here more bored than I am, I’d like to meet him.”

After a series of tests, the 3...

After a series of tests, the 3 top candidates were chosen for a final interview with the CIA Director for a job opening. The first one's interview went really well... so the Director says: "I think you are the right man for the job, there is just one last thing you must do to prove your loyalty, here is a gun, go to the next room and shoot your wife."

The man stands up and says, "Sorry Sir, I can't do that" and walks out. The same thing happens with the second applicant. The third guy's interview went well, so he is asked to prove his loyalty to the future job in the same way.

The Guy takes the gun, goes next door. The CIA Director hears : "Bang...".. pause ...... "Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang." ..... long pause..... then a scuffle and noises...... silence. The third applicant returns to the Director's office and says" Some Idiot loaded this gun with blanks... so I had to strangle her!"

Last Saturday morning I got up...

Last Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns and dressed quietly. I made a lunch, grabbed the dog and went to the garage to hook up the boat to the truck and down the driveway I went.

Coming out of the garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

Minutes later, I returned to the garage. I came back into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel. I find it's going to be bad weather all day long, so I put the boat back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies,

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out there fishing?"

Mom: Junior, stop making all t...

Mom: Junior, stop making all that noise in here and go play outside. Your father can't read his newspaper. Son: Really? I'm only eight and I can read it!

Write For Mail Order

An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."
In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."

Drinking jacket...

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a formal party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."

"And why not, Darling?"

"You know that it always gives you a headache next morning."

Did you hear about t

Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.

Gravity-Defying Tequila

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him cant believe what he just saw. Hes more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and were hundreds of feet above the ground!
The jumper responds by slurring, Well, I dont get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch. He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesnt slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. Youre really an a**hole when youre drunk, Superman.

What do you call two r...

What do you call two raincoats in a cemetery?

Kathleen Madigan: Smoking in Public

I was out last Sunday -- I didnt see any signs, nobody to ask, so I lit a cigarette. This woman lost all control of her bodily functions. Put it out, please, put it out. I turned around -- she was three pews away!

Tom Papa: Friends Over 30

Ask anybody over 30 -- if they tell you they have more than 10 friends, you know theyre counting co-workers.