Jokes of the day for Monday, 11 May 2009
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 11 May 2009 |
A Crazy Person in the Woods
Q: How does a crazy person travel through the woods?A: They take the psycho path.
Deep Thought: Ambition is a po...
Deep Thought: Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.A Kiwi was hoping to immigrate...
A Kiwi was hoping to immigrate to Australia.Upon arriving in Australia, he was questioned by a customs officer,
"What is your business in Australia?"
"I wish to immigrate," was the Kiwi's reply.
The customs officer then asked,
"Do you have a conviction record?"
Confused, the Kiwi then replied,
"I didn't think you still needed one."
An executive was attempting to...
An executive was attempting to do some menial office work himself. His assistant found him standing in front of the office shredder holding a piece of paper with a puzzled look on his face."Can I help you?" the assistant asked.
"I'm having trouble, I'll have to admit," replied the executive.
"Here let me show you." said the assistant, and he took the piece of paper, placed it in the feed chute and pressed the red 'ON' button. The shredder hummed and sucked in the piece of paper.
"Wow! I'm embarrassed. That's pretty easy," the executive exclaimed. "Oh, and I just need one copy."
Wife: Where do you want to go ...
Wife: Where do you want to go on holiday this year?Husband: Somewhere I've never been before.
Wife: How about the Kitchen?
The four stages of life....
1. You believe in Santa Claus2. You don't believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Claus
4. You look like Santa Claus
I married Mr Right. . .
I married Mr Right. . .
Poor kids
Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool.When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said: "Did you notice the small dongs on the rich kids?"
The other answered: "Yeah! It's probably because they have toys to play with!"
My kids love going to the...
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
Belly Buttons Explained
Q: How do babies get their belly buttons?
A: When God finishes making little babies, He lines them all up in a row. Then he walks along in front of them. He pokes each one in the tummy with His finger and says, “You’re done…you’re done…you’re done…â€
Independence Day Jokes
July 4th is Independence Day (US National Holiday)! Find jokes about it!
Why do Bigelow employees like the Fourth of July so much?
They love to celebrate liber-tea!
What is red, white, black and blue?
Uncle Sam when he takes a tumble down the stairs.
Why does the Statue of Liberty stand in the New York harbor?
It can’t sit.
What do you call a duck who says ‘bang’?
A firequacker.
Did you hear the joke about the Liberty Bell?
It cracked me up!
What was the popular dance in 1776?
The indepen-dance.
Who was the biggest jokester in George Washington’s army?
Laugh-ayette
What did one flag say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved!
Was the Declaration of Independence written in Philadelphia?
No, it was written in ink!
What happens when you cross a stegosaurus with a firework?
Dino-myte!
What did the ghost say on the Fourth of July?
Red, white and boo.
What do you eat on July 5th?
Independence Day-old pizza.
Who was the dog that announced, “The British are coming”?
Paw Revere.
Who doesn’t get a day of July 4?
Fire – fire works.
What’s red, white, blue and green?
A seasick Uncle Sam.
What has feathers, webbed feet, life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness?
The duck-laration of happiness.
What happens if you cross a Declaration signer and a rooster?
John Hancock-a-doodle-doo
What is the best sport to play on the Fourth of July?
Flag football.
Where is the capital in Washington, D.C.?
At the beginning.
What do you call a snowman on the Fourth of July?
A puddle.
What do you call a patriotic cartoonist?
A Yankee Doodler.
Why are there no Fourth of July knock-knock jokes?
Because freedom rings.
What’s the difference between George Washington and a duck?
One of them has their face on a bill and the other one has a bill on their face.
Where did George Washington keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
What did the tourists say when they left the Statute of Liberty?
Keep in torch!
What do ducks love about the Fourth of July?
Firequackers.
What do firecrackers eat at the movies?
Pop-corners.
Why couldn’t George Washington sleep at night?
Because he couldn’t lie.
What did Obi-Wan Kenobi say on Independence Day?
May the fourth be with you!
What did the little firecracker say to the big one?
“Hi, Pop!”
What do you call a red, white and blue pie?
Pastry-otic.
What do you call a Fourth of July accident at Mount Rushmore?
A monumental disaster.
What is the most patriotic dog breed?
Yankee Poodles
What was Uncle Sam’s favorite snack?
Fire crackers.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
On the bottom.
Why can’t you skip out on the Fourth of July barbecue?
It would be a missed-steak.
What do an American flag and a sad candy cane have in common?
They’re both red, white and blue
What did the revolutionaries wear to the Boston Tea Party?
Tea-shirts.
What did the firework seller say to his colleague on July 4?
Business is booming!
Did you hear about the angry firework?
He was so mad, he exploded!
Why did Paul Revere ride to Lexington on his horse?
Well, the horse was too heavy to carry.
What’s a firework’s favorite song?
“Pop it Like it’s Hot.”
What do fireworks eat when it’s hot out?
Popsicles!
Who is the least guilty president?
Lincoln – he’s in a cent!
Which Founding Father is a puppy’s favorite?
Bone Franklin.
What has four legs, a shiny nose and fought for England?
Rudolph the Redcoat Reindeer.
Whose favorite lyric in "The Star Spangled Banner" is “Oh say can you see”?
An optometrist!
How do Americans spend their Fourth of July weekend?
Getting stuck in traffic.
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
(Just like how the British turned red when they saw the Americans dressing up as independent!)
#independenceday
Top 20 UK Christmas jokes of 2021
Annual UKTV channel Gold poll. 2000 Brits voted their favourite festive gags, these are top 20.
20. What is Coleen Rooney's favourite Christmas game?
A: Guess Who.
19. Q: What pantomime are the government doing this year?
A: Chris Whittington.
18. Q: Why does Jackie Weaver control the weather at Christmas?
A: She has snow authority.
17. Q: Why will Keir Starmer be sad on Christmas morning?
A: He'll still have no presence.
16. Q: Which 'Friends' character nearly missed the 2021 Reunion Show due to the Test and Trace app?
A: Chandler Ping.
15. Q: Which vaccine did the Three Wise Men have?
A: The Wiser Jab.
14. Q: Why does Emma Raducanu get to carry the crystal glasses at Christmas dinner?
A: They know she's unlikely to drop a set.
13. Q: Why did Matt Hancock have to buy his aide really expensive Christmas presents?
A: She had him up against a wall.
12. Q: Why are we only having broccoli, cabbage and peas as veg this Christmas?
A: Because 52% of the family said no to Brussels.
11. Q: Why does Christmas scrabble take so long with Boris Johnson?
A: He keeps going back on his word.
10. Q: Why can Netflix afford calamari at Christmas?
A: They're Squids in.
9. How do you know the heating bill for December is too high?
A: Dad won't even let you open the windows on your advent calendar.
8. Q: Why didn't Santa replace Comet and Cupid when they left to become HGV drivers?
A: It was just two deer.
7. Q: Why did Rudolph's nose have to self-isolate?
A: It failed the lateral glow test.
6. Q: Which vaccine did Father Christmas get?
A: Mince Pfizer.
5. Q: Which relative will not be at Chris Whitty's Christmas dinner?
A: Aunty Vaxxer.
4. Q: What's Piers Morgan's favourite Christmas song?
A: Walking off on air.
3. Q: Why won't Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and Richard Branson see each other this Christmas?
A: They all want space.
2. Q: Why is Christmas dinner vegan this year?
A: Because Turkey is on the red list but vegetables are all green.
1. Q: Why are people cutting back on Brussels sprouts this Christmas?
A: The cost of gas is too high.
Who Needs A Parachute
You do not need a parachute to go skydiving...
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
