Jokes of the day for Thursday, 02 July 2009
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 02 July 2009 |
Things Found Only in America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we wont miss a call from someone we didnt want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word politics to describe the process so well: Poli in Latin meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
A Rich old man, who inherited ...
A Rich old man, who inherited all his money from his father, one day asks his young wife: "Honey, would you still have married me if my father didn't leave me with all this money?".His wife smiles gently and answers: "Sure honey, you know I would marry you no matter who gave you the money".
A man is standing by the fax m...
A man is standing by the fax machine as a co-worker walks by."Do you know anything about this fax machine?" the puzzled fellow asks.
"A little. What's wrong?" replies the co-worker.
"Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
"How did you load the sheet?" the co-worker inquires.
"Well, it's confidential, so I folded it in half, like this, so no one else could read it."
Thirsty
A very thirsty man goes into a bar.
As he waits to get the bartender's attention, a regular sitting next to him calls out, "I'll have another waterloo."
The bartender gives the regular a tall ice cold drink and asks the newcomer what he would like. The thirsty man points to the man next to him and says, "I guess I'll have what he's having, a waterloo."
So the bartender brings the newcomer a tall ice cold drink. The man takes a long deep drink and calls out, "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"
The regular bar patron sitting next to him says, "It is water. That's all I drink," He turns to the bartender and says, "Right Lou?"
Translations For Men
These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."
"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated:* "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car
I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."
Mother-in-law killed
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
A new girl called Carly came t...
A new girl called Carly came to Jimmy's school.Some time later he heard that Lorraine's family were emigrating.
On her leaving day he went to see her off.
On his way home, he was singing to himself: "I can see Carly, now Lorraine has gone.''
My kids love going to the Web,...
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
Studying Up for the Big Test
"Why do you keep reading the Bible everyday?" the teenage girl asked her grandfather.
"Well, it's a bit like cramming for your final exam," said Granddad.
Any questions?
Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while.
"You understand it now?" Mommy asks.
"Yes," replies her daughter.
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with babies."
"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"
Deep Thoughts 06
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, I hope they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that read, "I helped skin Bob."
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in some crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it would be like ambition.
Why is a government worker lik...
Why is a government worker like a broken shotgun? It won't work and you can't fire it.A little boy walks up to the p...
A little boy walks up to the preacher after church one day and says, "Preacher, when I grow up and get a job, I am going to give you a lot of money."The preacher says, "Why do you want to do that?"
The boy replies, " Because my Daddy said that you are the poorest preacher he has ever heard."
