Jokes of the day for Saturday, 25 July 2009
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 25 July 2009 |
This is the true story of Geor...
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
The Mayor and the Contractor
The mayor of a Jewish village decided to create an additional room in their home.
His wife spoke to the general contractor for some time. They laughed and enjoyed what seemed like a long conversation. Her husband asked what they were talking about. The woman introduced the two men and the general contractor returned to his work.
The husband asked, "Did you know each other?"
The wife replied, "Yes, actually. We were engaged to be married when I was very young."
Her husband smiled and said. "Wow, I guess you should be happy you married me. I'm the mayor. If you had married him, you would have been married to a general contractor."
"No" she replied. "He would have been the mayor."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Bubbleup
A couple went on vacation to a...
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; his wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap.The wife, to escape her snoring husband, decided to take the boat out. Since she was not familiar with the lake, she rowed out to the middle, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside and said, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing here?"
"Reading a book," she replied, thinking, "Is this guy blind or what?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. You can see that, surely."
"But you have all the equipment, ma'am. I'll have to write you up."
"If you do that, I will charge you with rape," returned the irate woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," the sheriff objected.
"That's true; but you have all the equipment."
THE MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
Normal sex life...
When the good Lord was making the world, he called Man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, but the Creator refused to budge. Then the Lord called the Monkey and gave him 20 years.
"But I don't need 20 years," said the Monkey. "Ten years is plenty."
"May I have the other 10 years?" asked Man. The Monkey agreed.
The Lord called the Lion next and also gave him 20 good years. The Lion also only wanted 10, so again Man asked for the remaining ten. Then came the Donkey, who was also granted 20 years. Like the others, 10 was more than enough. Man again asked for the spare ten years and got them.
This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion 'bout it, and 10 years of making an ass out of himself.
News Headlines 01
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Farmer Bill Dies in House
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Fatal Things to Say if Your Wife is Pregnant
I finished the Oreo's.Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40
pounds.
Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee
had a baby!
I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby
forever!
Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super
Bowl.
Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise
visit from that Richard Simmons fella.
Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy,
that's gotta hurt.
Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to
Willard Scott!
I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of
childbirth?
Are your ankles supposed to look like that?
Get your *own* ice cream.
Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today.
Got milk?
Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney?
Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of
Madagascar!
Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water...
Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!
You don't have the guts to pull that trigger...
The Unconcerned Widow
An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isnt worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave.
The wife smiles, Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!
What happened to the man who p...
What happened to the man who put his false teeth in backwards?Twenty-one reasons why Engl...
Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.- The bandage was wound around the wound.
- The farm was used to produce produce.
- The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
- We must polish the Polish furniture.
- He could lead if he would get the lead out.
- The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
- Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
- A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
- When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
- I did not object to the object.
- The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
- There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
- They were too close to the door to close it.
- The buck does funny things when does are present.
- A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
- To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
- The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
- After a number of injections my jaw got number.
- Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
- I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
- How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Sometimes ...
when you c...
Sometimes ...when you cry ...
no one sees your tears...
Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt...
Sometimes...
when you are worried...
no one sees your stress...
Sometimes ...
when you are happy ...
no one sees your smile ...
But fart just one time...
Final Confession
Brittany was on her deathbed, with her husband Adam at her side.She kept trying to tell him something, but he kept saying, "Shhhh, don't worry now darling, just rest."
"But honey," she whispered, "I need to make a confession before I die... I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father."
"Don't worry about it, sweetie," replied Adam as he wiped the tears from Brittany's cheek, "I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"
What a talent....
A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happened upon an old tribesman lying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.
The father of the family asked the old tribeman what he was doing. The tribesman began to speak..."woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, white, four-door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h.
"That's amazing!" exclaimed the father. "You can tell all that just by listening to the ground?"
"No," said the old tribesman, weakly. "They just ran over me five minutes ago!"
