Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 05 August 2009
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 05 August 2009 |
Bathroom Graffiti
1. What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands. - Men's room, Lynagh's Bar. Lexington, KY.A Silent Bomb in Church
An elderly couple were in church. The wife leaned over and whispered to her husband, "I just let out a long silent fart... what should I do?"
The husband replied, "Replace the batteries in your hearing aid."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member eyesoftheworld
Q: What's the difference ...
Q: What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?A: A northern fairy tale begins with, "Once upon a time..." A southern fairy tale begins with, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this..."
Birth control pills....
An elderly woman went into the doctorÂ’s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "IÂ’d like to have some birth-control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but youÂ’re 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "Simple. I put them in my granddaughterÂ’s orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."
Photographer Works
There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all.
However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.
The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.
So what's the moral of the story?
The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.
Oil of Ole
What do you get when you cross an Arab with a Mexican?Oil of Ole'.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
A man goes into a chip shop wi...
A man goes into a chip shop with a salmon under his arm. He asks, do you sell fish cakes?Reporters interviewing a 104-y...
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:'And what do you think is the best thing
About being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure
Steve, ...
Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working one day on a very high scaffolding when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realise that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.
"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.
"Yep", replied Bob.
"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"
Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"
"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you
a six-pack??"
"Sure," Bob says.
"Why?" asks Jeff.
"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you
Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a
widow!'
So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"
The Israeli Archaeologist
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.Abe replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
Perfect Man, Perfect Woman
There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw an elf by the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up.
Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with the elf, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and one lived.
Who died and who lived?
The perfect woman, because the perfect man and elves aren't real.
Pete and Dud have been serious...
Pete and Dud have been seriously drinking and on the way home from the pub they have to go for a pee in the bushes. Whilst relieving themselves Pete says "I wish I had a dick like my mate Winston that I could hold with four fingers."Dud says "But you are holding it with four fingers?"
Pete says "Yeah, but I'm pissing on three of them".
What day is it?
Best room in the hotel?
The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.
"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."
"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.
"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.
"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."
