Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 19 August 2009

Now I Get It

I became confused when I heard the =word service"used with these agencies.

The Priest vs. the Astronomer

A priest and an astronomer find themselves sitting together on a night flight.
After introductions and a long gaze out the window, the astronomer asks the priest, "Can't all religions be summed up by stating the Golden Rule?"
The priest pauses a bit and asks the astronomer, "Can't all astronomy be summed up by singing ‘Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star’?”
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Pthalo

Little Johnny grew up in the c...

Little Johnny grew up in the city, and went to visit his Uncle Joe on the farm. For the first few days, his uncle showed him the usual things- chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that Little Johnny was getting bored, and his uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, Uncle Joe had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"

This seemed to cheer Little Johnny up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, Little Johnny returned.

"How did you enjoy that?" asked Uncle Joe.

"It was great!" exclaimed Little Johnny. "Got any more dogs?"

The habit...

A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit.

Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon."

Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what "you've" been doing."

Doctor Doctor Collection 04

Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse.
Take one of these every 4 laps!
Doctor, doctor my sister here keeps thinking she's invisible!
What sister?
Doctor, Doctor I'm on a diet and it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off.
Oh dear, that's a lot of calories!
Doctor, Doctor Can I have second opinion?
Of course, come back tomorrow!
Doctor, Doctor you have to help me out!
Certainly, which way did you come in?
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God
When did this start?
Well first I created the sun, then the earth...
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m invisible
Who said that?

Great to be a woman

Reason's why it's great to be a woman

Free drinks.

Free dinners.

Free movies.

Speeding ticket? What's that?

New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.

If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud.

If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.

You can sleep your way to the top.

You can sue the President for sexual harassment.

It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.

No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.

Brad Pitt.

No one passes out when you take off your shoes.

Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.

If you forget to shave, no one has to know.

If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.

You have the ability to dress yourself.

If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.

You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.

You can quickly end any fight by crying.

Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.

There are times when chocolate really Can solve all your problems.

You've never had a goatee.

You'll never regret piercing your ears.

You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.

You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.

Jolly Green Giant

Why did the Jolly Green Giant get kicked out of the garden? Because he took a pea!

Q: What did 50 cent say to his...

Q: What did 50 cent say to his grandmother who gave him a sweater she had made him?

A: G-U-NIT

What do you say if som...

What do you say if someone tries to steal your gate?

A ten-year-old Jewish boy was ...

A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face.

He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room.

Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

Was it the nuns that did it? the father asked. The boy shook his head and said "No."

Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring? "No."

The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?

"No," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they were serious!

A woman goes into a sporting g...

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It`s for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!"

An old man lived alone in New ...

An old man lived alone in New Mexico. He wanted to spade his chili garden, but it was very hard work.

His only son, Francisco, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament...

"Oye Francisco, I feeling pretty bat cuz I do not think I will be able to plant my chili garden this year. I just getting too old to dig a garden, but if you waz here, all mi problemas wood be over. I know you wood dig the plot for me. Siempre, tu poppy "

A few days later he received a letter from his son...

"Dear Poppy, Por favor, no, don't dig up the garden, that's where I buried the BODIES! Love, Francisco"

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son...

"Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the chili now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Francisco"

Get it Straight

A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The drunk driver says, "Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away yesterday!"

Farmer Brown & his Pigs

Farmer Brown buys twelve pigs at an auction, only to discover that they are all female. He immediately calls Farmer Jones to ask if he can bring them over to mate with his male pigs. "Sure", says Farmer Jones.

Farmer Brown loads his twelve pigs into the truck. When they get to the Jones farm, the pigs jump out and spend the day mating with the males. Before he leaves, Farmer Brown says, "By the way, I've never had pigs before. How will I know if they're pregnant?"

"Well," says Farmer Jones, "look for signs of unusual behavior. That's usually how you know."

The next morning, Farmer Brown looks out his window and sees nothing unusual. So he loads the pigs up and brings them to the Jones' farm again. The following morning, the pigs are still behaving normally, so, once again, he takes them to the Jones' farm. The next morning, he feels too discouraged to look out the window. "Honey," he says to his wife, "would you mind telling me if our pigs are doing anything unusual?"

Well, she says, "eleven of them are in the back of the truck and the twelfth one's blowing the horn."

Asteroid Hits The Earth

Top Advantages of An Asteroid Really Hitting Earth

1. For starters, you'd be able to surf in South Dakota.
   
   
2. Wouldn't have to hear that garbage Aerosmith song anymore.
   
   
3. The one dinosaur on the planet (here's a clue..he's purple) would be extinct.
   
   
4. We'd miss out on Tony Danza's or Jenny McCarthy's next sitcom.
   
   
5. Puts a major damper on that Molly Hatchet/Judas Priest reunion tour.
   
   
6. Pretty good chance that the Gorditas Dog from the Taco Bell commercials wouldn't survive.
   
   
7. There'd be no more movies on the topic, that's for sure.
   
   

Bill Clinton's haircut

Before his infamous haircut on the tarmac, Clinton asked his stylist Christophe, "How long will this take, how much will it cost, and how good will this look?"

Christophe replied just ten minutes, cost $20, and look marvelous. An hour and fifteen minutes later, Clinton looked into the mirror in horror and Christophe handed him a bill for $200.

Clinton gasped, "You took too long, it doesn't look that great, and it is costing me ten times more than you said!"

Christophe replied, "That makes us even."