Jokes of the day for Saturday, 26 September 2009
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 26 September 2009 |
New York State of Mind
Do you know why New Yorkers are always so depressed?Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.
Sarge
The Marine Drill Instructor noticed a new recruit and barked at him, 'Get your ass over here ! What's your name?"Two guys were cruising downtow...
Two guys were cruising downtown, hoping to improve their sex life.As they passed the mortuary, one elbows the other and says, "How 'bout stopping in for a cold one?"
Blessing....
A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the woman answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
Dad Will Never Say
Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say
10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.
Mailing list users changing light bulbs
Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?A: Exactly five hundred.
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed.
7 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently or to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
17 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
21 to flame the spell checkers.
49 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
20 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
32 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb.
69 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
41 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list.
106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
2 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add pointedly, "Me Too."
6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
9 to quote the "Me Too's" and happily add, "Me Three!"
3 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
24 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
53 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
A man was driving a horse and ...
A man was driving a horse and cart along a country road at an angle of 45 degrees. After three miles like this, he asked a passer-by: "How long does this blasted hill last?" "This isn't a hill," came the reply. "Your back wheels are off!"Three guys, a Canadian, Osama ...
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious, sacred land." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan. "Uncle Sam" (a former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out -- virtually impenetrable."Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water.
Two Hindu Puns
Two Hindu swamis were in conversation.
One said to the other, "How did you like my latest book, 'The Art of Levitation'?"
His companion replied, "It kept me up all night."
A man comes home from an exhau...
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer.Fifteen minutes later, the man says, "Get me another beer before it starts."
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."
The wife is furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? YouÂ’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."
The man sighs and says, "ItÂ’s started..."
How do you make a bandstand?
How do you make a bandstand?
The way kids think...
The way kids think...
A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea". Children were asked to draw pictures, or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results, and put together some of the comments that were funny, and some that were sad.
The children were all aged between 5 and 8 years.
Here are some of them.
This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
I don't like the sea. It makes me sick on the ferry. (Peter age 6)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)
I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 8)
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
My mum has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boyfriend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7)
A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 5)
When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors (Valerie age 6)
Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)
On holiday my Mum went water ski-ing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)
Time For The Wedding
A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Ever wonder WHY …
Ever wonder WHY …- the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
- women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
- don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
- is "abbreviated" such a long word?
- is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
- is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
- is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
- is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
- isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
- didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
- do they sterilize the needle for lethal inje
- they don't make the whole plane out of the stuff that is used to make that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
- don't sheep shrink when it rains?
- are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
- they call the airport the terminal?
- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
- the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
- women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
- don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
- is "abbreviated" such a long word?
- is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
- is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
- is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
- is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
- isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
- didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
- do they sterilize the needle for lethal inje
- they don't make the whole plane out of the stuff that is used to make that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
- don't sheep shrink when it rains?
- are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
- they call the airport the terminal?
- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
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