Jokes of the day for Thursday, 12 November 2009

People in Grass Houses

The king of a small African nation had an elegant golden throne in his large grass hut. When an old friend came to visit from another nation, he was worried that the man would discover he was a king and treat him differently. He searched frantically for a place to hide the throne, but to no avail. Finally, he decided to have it wedged up in the ceiling of his hut. When his friend arrived, he went to the huts opening to greet him. Just then the ceiling started to give way, and the golden throne fell on the king, killing him.
The moral of the story is this: People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.

Lobsters

One evening a blonde went to seafood restaurant for dinner. When she saw the tank where they kept the lobsters she asked a waiter, "Why are those creatures in that tank?"
"They are the lobsters we serve our customers!" answered the waiter.
"You mean you're going to kill them," said the blonde.
"Absolutely," said the waiter.
The blonde was so upset that she immediately left, drove to a nearby convenience store, purchased some hefty bags and returned to the restaurant to accomplish her covert mission.
Taking pity on the poor creatures, she waited until the moment was right, and snatched all of the lobsters from the tank, threw them in the bag, and hightailed it out of the restaurant.
Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free

A local business was looking f...

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:
"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.
By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

Oenophiles are winers<...

Oenophiles are winers. They ought to stick a cork in it.

One evening a blonde went to s...

One evening a blonde went to seafood restaurant for dinner. When she saw the tank where they kept the lobsters she asked a waiter, "Why are those creatures in that tank?"

"They are the lobsters we serve our customers!" answered the waiter.

"You mean you're going to kill them," said the blonde.

"Absolutely," said the waiter.

The blonde was so upset that she immediately left, drove to a nearby convenience store, purchased some hefty bags
and returned to the restaurant to accomplish her covert mission.

Taking pity on the poor creatures, she waited until the moment was right, and snatched all of the lobsters from the tank, threw them in the bag, and hightailed it out of the restaurant.

Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free.

Building Security has notified...

Building Security has notified us that there have been 5 suspected terrorists working at our office. Four of the five have been apprehended. Bin Sleeping, Bin Loafing, Bin Gossiping, and Bin Surfing have been taken into custody. Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fifth cell member, Bin Working, in the office. Police are confident that anyone who looks like Bin Working will be very easy to spot. They thought they had apprehended Bin Working sitting at a desk, but it was actually Bin Surfing trying to impersonate Bin Working.

Future Minister

After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"
"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen."

A "blondie" named Ni...

A "blondie" named Nina is appearing on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire with Regis Philbin...

Regis: "Nina, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left...phone a friend. The next question is worth one million dollars if you get it right. If you get it wrong you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?"

Nina: "Yes."

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it... A.-Robin B.-Sparrow C.-Cuckoo D.-Thrush."

Nina: " I think I know who it...but I'm not 100%. I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call my sister, Carol."

Carol (a newly turned blonde) answers the phone:"Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Carol, its Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire - I have your Sister Nina here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Nina's ..."

Nina: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it: A.-Robin B.-Sparrow C.-Cuckoo or D.- Thrush"

Carol: "Oh geez, Nin. That's simple...it's a Cuckoo."

Nina: "Are you sure? Are you REALLY sure?"

Carol: "I'm sure."

Nina: "HOW sure are you?"

Carol: "So sure that I am getting ready to pop open a bottle of champagne and reserve the airline ticket that you are going to buy me to come up and celebrate."

Regis: "Nina, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?"

Nina: "I want to play! Carol is very dramatic and likes attention, but she HATES to be wrong! I'll go with C-Cuckoo."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Nina: "Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart."

Regis: "So C is that your final answer?"

Nina: "Yes."

Regis: "You said C-Cuckoo...and you're right! Congratulations, you have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS!"

To celebrate, Nina flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're sipping champagne, Nina looks at Carol and asks her,"Tell me, how did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"

Carol: "Nina, it was easy.... Everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

Intelligent life...

It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.

As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Braun, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.

He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it. "Mr. President," said Dr. Braun, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."

He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.

He said, "But that's impossible . . . we could never do it. . . yes Mr. President," and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.

"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we've found intelligent life on Mars . . . he wants us to try to find it in Congress."

How You Earned It

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Swimming Contest

A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the English Channel Breast Stroke Competition.

The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there was no sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing hope, the blonde finally arrived.

The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her. They embraced the young girl as she came ashore. After all of the excitement died down, she leaned over to the judge and whispered, "I hate to be a bad loser, but I think those other girls used their arms."

Short Jokes

1) What is a KISS?
It's an upper PREPARATION for a lower INVASION that will lead to further PENETRATION with fast ACCELERATION that will build next GENERATION.
2) Latest Statistics: What men do after sex?
2% eat.
3% smoke cigarettes.
4% take shower.
5% go to sleep.
86% get up and go back home to their wives.
3) Why is your dick better than a credit card?
1.Once spent recharges itself.
2.It is accepted worldwide.
3.You can let your wife use it as much as she wants.
4) LITTLE GIRL: Mommy, I just found out that our neighbor's son has a penis like a peanut!
MUM: You mean it's small?
LITTLE GIRL: No it's salty!!!
5) A couple recently married was happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the hole, and she was happy with the thing.
6) A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
The lady sitting next to him asked: Are they your babies? MAN: No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer COMPLAINTS.
7) Women top 5 lies:
5. I am a virgin.
4. It is so big.
3. I can't do that to my best friend.
2. I won't gain weight after marriage
1. I am coming! I am coming!!!
8) A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says: You want to play magic.
She says: What is that?
He says: We go Home, screw, and then you disappear.
9) What is the closest thing to a woman's period?
Your SALARY... It comes once a month, lasts 4 or 5 days, and if it doesn't come, you are F*CKED!!!

A Texan farmer goes to Austral...

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

The Americans and Russians at ...

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued as they were they would blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk.

They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund.

Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cage doors were opened, the Dachshund came out first and slowly waddled over toward the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund. But when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"Yeah," an American replied, "and we had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

Under a tack ....

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of the truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another office had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry, Sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver demanded to know the reason.

The trooper replied . . . "Tacks evasion."

Marriage Quotes 02

Married life is full of excitement and frustration:

* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?

Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.

Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

Disappearing Crayons

The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring

books.

Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss

Francis, I ain't got no crayons."

"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any

crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any

crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm

getting at?"

"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them

crayons?"

It's What's for Dinner

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.