Jokes of the day for Saturday, 13 March 2010

Pick Heaven or Hell #joke #humor

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good- bye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and Filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff."

Japanese shogunsro...

Japanese shoguns were not allowed to carry concealed weapons.

Four animals a Snake, a Cock, ...

Four animals a Snake, a Cock, a Cat and a Centipede, all heavy smokers, were playing cards together. When the cigarettes run out, the snake, the big brother, said, "Cock, go out and get some packs! You know, I have NO legs." "But why me?" said the Cock, "I have only TWO legs!" So, the task fell on Centipede with no doubt. Centipede said nothing and left the room.
The left three waited and waited, but Centipede did not show up. One hour later, they couldn't wait anymore. "What's the devil Centipede doing?" Snake said impatiently, "Cat, go out and take a look!"
When Cat gets to the door, he got frightened. Centipede was SITTING there!!!! So the angry Cat said, "What are you doing here?"
"Can't you see? I'm putting on my shoes,” said Centipede.

A guy (we'll call him Aaron) w...

A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet in some woman's home.
As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette.
Aaron looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing.
He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there.
Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know.
When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.
"Aaron, The carpet looks wonderful!" she exclaimed. "Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, by the way, have you seen my cellphone?"

At the Mall

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

A Texan and his bride ask the ...

A Texan and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning.

"Congratulations!" says the clerk. Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?"

"Naw, thanks," says the cowboy. "I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it.

What has four legs...

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A pool table.

Survey For Nerds

INTRODUCTION:
Hello, and welcome to the nerdity test. This test is designed to help you determine your nerdity quotient. In the past, someone may have watched you, or listened to something you said and then exclaimed, "You geek! What do you think you are doing?" Or maybe it's just us. In any event, we here at the nerdity testing lab were prompted to ask "just what is a nerd?" In response, we came up with this test. By taking it, you will determine your current nerdity quotient (from 0% to 100%), with 100% roughly corresponding to a pile of sludge unable to communicate with anything human except through a device that is a miracle of modern medicine and engineering, and whose only connection to the outside world is through the computer internet system.
GRADING:
As this test is being distributed primarily in places of high concentrations of known nerds, and nerds in turn tend to have nerd friends, that someone who has never heard of or seen the nerdity test is assumed to be 0% nerd. However, once such knowledge comes to them, they are immediately placed in the 100% nerdity category. This is done because it is also assumed that only a true geek would utter something to the effect of: "Nerdity test?!? What a stupid concept! I'm too cool to take something as dumb as that." The values in between are determined by taking the test and scoring it as follows.
For each question below for which you can answer "yes" or "true", take one point. At the end of the test, divide the total number of points you scored by the total number of questions in the test. Treat this number as a percentage that represents your nerdity quotient.
Some of the questions will have parentheticals at the end of them. What is contained within the parentheticals is a short list of examples relating to the given question. The list is not to be taken as all inclusive but merely as suggestions that might apply.
All technicalities count - after all, being technical is half of what being a nerd is all about.
RECOMMENDATIONS and HINTS:
It is felt that for maximum enjoyment, you should respond out loud with your answers. You should treat each "yes" that you say as a personal catharsis of what you are doing wrong (or right depending on your opinion of nerdity) and each "no" may then be disputed by your peers. In this way, errors due to lying or personal oversight are avoided and the test also has a therapeutic effect for the closet nerd. As an aside, information gleaned about others should be treated confidentially. Each of us has a dork-side that we don't want others to know about.
Experiment shows that nerdity CAN be cured! With effort and personal sacrifice... The nerdity quotient is a cross between proclivity toward as well as actual current status in nerddom. Some questions are "have you ever..." while others are "do you now...". The former register the fact that you have a propensity toward nerdity, while the later acknowledge the fact that you are currently geeking. Obviously, as your answers toward the "do you now" type questions change, so will your nerd quotient.
Please use only a number two pencil. Mark all answers in your blue book. Shake well before using. Lather. Rinse. Repeat as desired. Show all work. Refrigerate after opening. No partial credit will be given. A table of useful formulas is included at the end. You may begin.... NOW!
SECTION 1: Education and Schooling
1. Have you ever taken a "higher" math course? (Trig, Calculus)
2. ...at the college level?
3. ...and received an A (3.7 grade point)?
4. Are you still capable of doing what you learned in the course of #1?
5. Have you ever taken a science course? (Biology, Physics, Chemistry)
6. ...at the college level?
7. ...and received an A (3.7 grade point)?
8. Are you still capable of doing what you learned in the course of #5?
9. Have you ever majored in the "hard sciences"? (engineering, physics chemistry, etc. but excluding psychology, economics, etc.)
10. Have you ever taken Latin?
11. Have you ever asked a question in lecture?
12. Have you ever answered a question asked in lecture?
13. Have you ever corrected a professor in lecture?
14. Have you ever answered a rhetorical question?
15. Have you ever given a lecture?
16. Do you sit in the front row more than 20% of the time?
17. Have you ever had a "perfect attendance record"?
18. Have you ever verified an equation in a science text on your own? (i.e. experimental proof)
19. Have you ever derived an equation you found in a science text?
20. ...when you didn't have to?
21. ...using other principles? (starting from a different equationthan the text did)
22. Do you take notes in more than one color?
23. Do you use other props when taking notes? (ruler, compass, protractor)
24. Have you ever tutored someone else?
25. Have you ever done homework on a Friday night?
26. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter?
27. Have you taken any classes pass/fail just to preserve your GPA?
28. Have you ever known more about the subject material than the lecturer?
29. ...but continued in the class because you "needed the grade?"
30. ...and had the lecturer admit this fact to you?
31. Have you ever had an argument with a professor?
32. Did you win?
33. Has a lecturer ever referred someone to you as being more knowledgeable?
34. Did you apply to any college merely for the sake of "seeing if I would get in"?
35. Was your SAT math more than 300 above your verbal?
36. Did you score higher than 1200 combined on the SAT?
SECTION 2: Knowledge
37. Can you count in binary? (up to decimal 10)
38. Can you count in hexadecimal? (up to decimal 20)
39. Can you count in Roman numerals?
40. Do you know Maxwell's equations? (integral or differential form)
41. Do you know Schroedinger's Equation?
42. Have you ever solved Schroedinger's Equation?
43. ...for fun?
44. Do you know the difference between a scalar and a vector?
45. Do you know the difference between a vector and a tensor?
46. Do you know the right-hand-rule for cross-products?
47. Do you know the Latin name (genus and species) for anything? (fruit fly, human being)
48. Can you understand the owner's manual for electronic equipment?
49. Can you understand the electronic schematic for electronic equipment?
50. Do you know what a "reverse polish notation" calculator is?
51. Can you name the first nine elements of the periodic table in order?
52. Can you translate more than half the chemical symbols into the name of the element they represent?
53. Do you know the wavelengths in the visible spectrum?
54. Are you bilingual?
55. ...and not an immigrant or child of an immigrant?
56. Can you briefly outline the biological process that occur due to alcohol when it is consumed by a human?
57. ...while drunk?
58. Do you know how your car's engine works?
59. Have you ever interpolated?
60. Have you ever extrapolated?
61. Do you know the difference between interpolation and extrapolation?
62. Have you ever integrated numerically?
63. ...and known the result ahead of time?
64. ...and complained about how slow the computer was?
65. Have you ever seen or utilized the spherical harmonic functions?
66. ...and found them aesthetically pleasing?
67. Do you know most of the words to "The Lumberjack Song" by Monty Python?
68. Do you own an encyclopedia?
69. Have you ever read an encyclopedia entry that you weren't researching?
70. Have you ever wanted to know something for no apparent reason?
71. Have you ever been laughed at for wanting to know something?
72. Can you program the time on a VCR?
73. Has anyone ever asked you to program their VCR time for them?
74. Have you ever used the word "asymptotic"?
75. Have you ever referred to something as an L.E.D.?
76. Have you ever referred to a ruler as a "straight-edge"?
77. Have you ever said "quartz crystal"?
78. Have you ever called something a "print out" or "hard copy"?
79. Have you ever referred to a curve/object as hyperbolic, parabolic, etc.?
80. Do you feel your vocabulary is larger than most people's?
81. Is your IQ greater than your weight?
Answer YES if you know what the following acronyms stand for. Note: it may be useful to actually state out loud what you think the acronym stands for as your interpretation may be wrong or not the nerdy one being sought after.
82. ...RADAR?
83. ...MODEM?
84. ...RAM?
85. ...DNA?
86. ...ATP?
87. ...NADP?
88. ...CRT?
89. ...CRC?
90. ...STP?
91. ...NORAD?
92. ...NASA?
93. ...MUD?
94. ...LED?
95. ...AI?
96. ...LASER?
97. ...RPG?
98. ...TLA?
99. ...SCUBA?
100. ...WYSIWYG?
101. ...DAT?
102. ...PINE?
103. ...JOVE?
104. Did you not know one of the above, but took a wild guess at in anyway?
105. Have you ever created an acronym in order to simplify your writing?
The next few questions deal with physical constants. Mark yes for any that you can give the value (2 or more significant digits) for. Knowledge of the units attached is NOT necessary, just the numeric portion.
106. gravitational constant? (G)
107. earth's gravity near the surface? (g)
108. mass of an electron?
109. charge of an electron?
110. speed of light in vacuum?
111. speed of sound at STP?
112. Planck's constant? (h or h-bar)
113. permittivity of free space? (epsilon naught)
114. permeability of free space? (mu naught)
115. Avogadro's number?
116. molar gas constant?
117. pi? (exception: must know more than 3 digits)
118. Mark this true if you are presently the person knowing the most digits of pi in the room.
119. e? (exception: must know more than 3 digits)
Can you give the conversion factor between... (2 or more sig. digits)
120. ...centimeters and inches?
121. ...kilometers and miles?
122. ...joules and electron-volts?
123. ...atomic mass units and kilograms?
124. ...Celsius and Kelvin?
125. ...Celsius and Fahrenheit?
126. ...meters and Astronomical Units (AU)?
127. ...AU and light years?
128. ...light years and parsecs?
129. If, while answering any question in this section, you said someone else's answer was wrong and were right, mark this question true. (e.g. "you nob! Pi isn't 3.1425. It's 3.1415!")
130. If while answering any question in this section, you checked a reference book to find out the correct answer, mark this question true. (e.g. "AARRGGH! What's that last R in radar stand for?")
SECTION 3: Computers
131. Have you ever used a computer?
132. ...for more than 4 hours continuously?
133. ...for more than 8 hours continuously?
134. ...past 4 a.m.?
135. ...as a source of income?
136. ...on Friday, Saturday and Sunday of the same weekend?
137. ...with someone you were physically attracted toward?
138. ...for money?
139. ...in the last 24 hours?
140. ...in the last half hour?
141. ...as a source of entertainment? (computer game)
142. ...in the last three months?
143. ...in the last three weeks?
144. Have you ever programmed a computer?
145. ...to write a computer game?
146. ...to write a computer virus?
147. ...to write a shell script?
148. Do you still own any computer with less than 512k of RAM? (e.g. Commodore 64, Apple II +/e/c, TRS 80, ad infinitum)
149. ...that is still in working condition?
150. ...and still buy software for it?
151. Do you own more than one computer with at least a megabyte of RAM?
152. Do you own any computer which would be classified as a work station?
153. Have you ever taken your computer on vacation with you?
154. Have you ever lost sleep over a computer game?
Have you ever used a ...
155. mouse?
156. hard disk drive?
157. light-pen?
158. computer with a touch sensitive monitor?
159. track-ball?
160. ...for something other than a video game?
161. Devorak keyboard? (as opposed to QWERTY)
162. modem?
163. Have you ever seen a magnetic tape reel?
164. Have you ever mounted a magnetic tape reel?
165. Have you ever seen a computer punch card?
166. Have you ever programmed using punch cards?
167. Are you still capable of programming with punch cards?
168. Do you have any "pirated" software? (i.e. second-hand copywritten)
169. Do you have any "public-domain" software?
170. Do you have any "shareware"? (i.e. software author requests a fee be sent to them for its use)
171. Do you currently own a modem capable of 14.4kbs or faster?
172. Do you still own any modem whose top speed is 300 baud or less?
173. Have you ever telnet'ed from one computer system to another?
174. ...to gain access to a system you had no authorization on?
175. ...to call a government computer? (NASA, FBI, NORAD, etc.)
176. ...to call a research institution? (CERN, JPL, etc.)
177. ...where the other machine was outside of your native country?
178. Do you have an electronic mail address?
179. ...more than one e-mail address?
180. Have you ever sent e-mail?
181. ...to yourself?
182. ...to someone who was in the same room as you at the time?
183. ...with a .sig file appended to the end of it?
184. ...in the last week?
185. Have you ever set up and run a mailing list for e-mail?
186. Do you receive more e-mail than you send?
187. Have you ever FTP'd?
188. ...anonymously?
189. Have you ever uploaded?
190. Have you ever downloaded?
191. Have you ever multi-tasked? (ran 2+ applications concurrently)
192. Have you ever set up a kill file?
193. ...that does more than simply 'kill'?
194. Do you have a .plan or similar file for when people finger you?
195. Have you set up a login.com or similar file for auto-execution on logging unto a computer system? (autoexec.bat, login.com...)
196. Do you use alias/batch commands to standardize your OS? (e.g. alias dir ls)
197. Have you ever read the postings on USENET?
198. ...in the last week?
199. Have you posted to USENET?
200. ...and gotten a response?
201. ...from someone you knew outside of the net?
202. ...and gotten a "flame"?
Have you ever posted to...
203. ...a science fiction news group? (rec.arts.sf)
204. ...a sex news group? (alt.sex)
205. ...talk.bizarre?
206. ...rec.humor?
207. ...a sci. or science-related news group?
208. Have you ever written a FAQ for a USENET news group?
209. Have you ever run a vote for a USENET news group?
210. Have you ever moderated a USENET news group?
211. Have you played any MUD's, MUSH's or other multi-user games?
212. ...in the last week?
213. ...today?
214. Do you consistently play more than one MUD, MUSH, etc.?
215. Are you a "wizard/implementor/immortal" on any MUD's, MUSH's, etc.?
216. Do you have GIF files as wallpaper?
217. Is part of your desk space devoted to your computer?
218. Have you ever built a computer?
219. ...from chips?
220. Do you have a favorite computer language?
221. ...that you've had to defend in verbal debate?
Which of the following computer languages do you know...
222. ...BASIC?
223. ...PASCAL?
224. ...FORTRAN?
225. ...assembly language?
226. ...C?
227. Have you ever forgotten a person's name but not their e-mail address?
228. Do you know more computer addresses than street addresses?
229. Do you tend to remember the IP numbers instead of the alpha address for computer sites? (128.253.232.63 vs. crux3.cit.cornell.edu)
230. Do you find that you type more often than you write longhand?
231. Have you ever forgotten how to write longhand?
232. Have you ever used computer symbology elsewhere? (goto, *, etc.)
233. Have you ever spoken internet-ese? (btw, imho, :), brb, afk)
234. Have you ever blown off doing something you were supposed to do in order to work on the computer?
235. Have you ever felt jealous of someone merely because they owned a better computer system than you?
SECTION 4: Possessions
236. Do you frequently find yourself with more plugs than outlets?
237. Do you currently own a can of WD-40?
238. Do you currently own a can of compressed air?
239. Do you have a personal copy of any version of the nerdity test?
240. ...in space allocated to you on a computer system?
241. Have you ever owned a light saber (Star Wars)?
242. ...that wasn't made of plastic?
243. Do you own an 8-track tape player or any 8-track tapes?
244. Do you own an almanac? (World, Farmer's)
245. Do you own an atlas?
246. Do you own a globe?
247. ...and have it on display? (on a desk, bookshelf...)
248. ...that has bumps corresponding to mountain ranges?
249. ...that lights up?
250. Do you own any "maps of the ancient world"?
251. ...and have them on display?
252. Do you have any "mathematical" artwork? (Escher, fractals)
253. Have you ever faxed something?
254. Have you ever received a fax?
255. Do you own a cellular phone? (car phone)
256. Do you own a non-standard calculator? (scientific, programmable)
257. Do you own a "reverse polish notation" calculator?
258. Do you own a slide rule?
259. ...and know how to use it?
260. Other than a thermometer, do you own any meteorological equipment?
261. Do you own any orienteering equipment? (compass, sextant, etc.)
262. Do you own a pencil case?
263. Do you own any mechanical pencil?
264. ...and have refills for it?
265. Do you own an electric pencil sharpener?
266. Do you own a laboratory notebook?
267. Do you own any graph paper? (quad-ruled)
268. Do you own any log or semi-log paper?
269. Do you own a table of integrals?
270. Have you ever stolen scientific (radiation, biohazard) warnings for personal use?
SECTION 5: Leisure Time
271. Have you ever taken something apart?
272. ...and put it back together correctly?
273. ...without worrying about voiding the warranty?
274. Do friends and/or family ask you to fix things?
275. Do friends and/or family ask to borrow your tools?
276. ...because you are the only person they know who OWNS that tool?
277. Have you ever put something together without reference to the assembly instructions?
278. Have you ever bought something primarily for the pleasure of taking it apart to "see how it works"?
279. Have you ever rewired something?
280. Have you ever played a non-sexual role-playing game? (D&D)
281. ...since leaving high school?
282. Have you ever been to a RPG convention? (GenCON, etc.)
283. ...in the last six months?
284. Have you ever taken a "self help" test?
285. Do you derive perverse pleasure from self-help tests?
286. Do you ever lord your scores on such tests over people around you?
287. Have you ever dissected something?
288. ...while not involved in a biology class?
289. Do you play chess?
290. Were you ever on a chess team?
291. ...on a math team?
292. ...on a debate team?
293. ...on a "trivia" team? (college bowl, JEOPARDY)
294. ...the captain for any of the teams listed above?
295. ...the coach for any of the teams listed above?
296. Did you ever join one of the above teams for the purpose of picking up members of the opposite sex?
297. Were you ever in a science fair?
298. ...that you placed in the top three?
299. Are you a member of Mensa?
300. Have you ever made a technical joke?
301. ...in the last week?
302. ...that no one around you understood?
303. ...and you found yourself trying to explain it?
304. ...that everyone around you understood?
305. ...but their reason for laughing was not yours?
SECTION 6: Leisure Time - Nerd Toys
306. Have you ever bought something from Radio Shack?
307. Do you know what an oscilloscope does?
308. Have you ever used an oscilloscope?
309. Do you own an oscilloscope?
310. Have you ever used a microscope?
311. Do you own a microscope?
312. Have you ever used a telescope?
313. ...not for peering through someone's bedroom window?
314. Do you own a voltmeter?
315. Do you own any remote controlled vehicles?
316. Do you own a CB radio?
317. Have you ever had an amateur radio license?
318. Do you still have an amateur radio license?
319. Have you ever had an extra-class amateur radio license?
320. Have you ever used a chemistry set?
321. ...since the age of 13?
322. Have you ever used a rare earth element?
323. Do you own a slinky?
324. Does a slinky make you think about oscillations?
325. Do you own a Rubik's cube?
326. Are you able to solve Rubik's Cube?
327. ...without using the book?
328. ...in less than two minutes?
329. Have you ever tried to calculate the number of possible permutations a Rubik's Cube can have?
SECTION 7: Leisure Time - TV and Movies
330. Do you watch more than 4 hours of TV on any given day of the week?
331. Can you name more than 5 shows on PBS? (inc.:A&E, Discovery Channel)
332. Have you ever watched a PBS documentary?
333. ...voluntarily?
334. ...in the last three weeks?
335. Have you ever watched C-Span for more than 5 minutes?
Have you ever watched a complete episode of...
336. ...Dr. Who?
337. ...Battlestar Galactica?
338. ...Space: 1999?
339. ...Starblazers? (cartoon about the WWII carrier flying through space)
Can you whistle, hum, sing or snap the theme songs to...
340. ...Gilligan's Island?
341. ...Flintstones?
342. ...The Brady Bunch?
343. ...The Jetson's?
344. ...The Addam's Family?
344. ...Dobbie Gillis?
346. ...I Dream of Genie?
347. Have you ever seen any of the "Revenge of The Nerd" movies more than once?
348. Have you seen all of the Star Wars movies?
349. ...in one 24 hour period?
350. Have you ever watched something and stated "that's physically impossible" (due to Newton's laws, etc.)?
SECTION 8: Leisure Time - Books and Magazines
Have you ever read anything by...
351. ...Douglas Adams?
352. ...Isaac Asimov?
353. ...Arthur C. Clarke?
354. ...Robert H. Heinlein?
355. ...Piers Anthony?
356. ...J.R.R. Tolkein?
357. ...TSR Hobbies? (i.e. a novel published by the D&D people)
358. ...Richard Feynman? (e.g. his lectures, etc.)
359. ...Stephen Hawkings?
360. ...Carl Sagan?
361. Have you ever read -Cultural-Literacy- or any other book on "what you, as an intelligent person, should know"?
362. Have you ever read -Innumeracy- or any other book about mathematics made popular?
363. Do you read books on a daily basis?
364. Have you finished a book in the last week?
365. Have you finished more than one book in the last week?
366. Have you ever bought a book of crossword puzzles/logic problems?
367. Do you read archaic computer manuals for pleasure?
Do you have magazine subscriptions to...
368. ...Popular Mechanics?
369. ...Popular Science?
370. ...Omni?
371. ...Scientific America?
372. ...any computer oriented magazine? (MacWorld, PCWorld, etc.)
373. ...Computer Gaming World or other "video game" magazine?
374. ...Discover?
375. ...any medical journals? (New England Journal of Medicine)
376. ...any science periodicals?
377. ...National Geographic?
378. ...any comic book or "graphic novel"? (X-Men, Superman, Heavy Metal)
SECTION 9: Star Trek
379. Can you name or discuss the plots of more than 10 Star Trek episodes?
380. Have you seen all of the Star Trek films?
381. ...in one 48 hour period?
382. Do you refer to the various "Treks" as "TOS" (The Original Series), "TNG" (The Next Generation) and "DS9" (Deep Space 9) or similar?
383. Have you ever argued with someone over which "Trek" is better?
384. Have you ever argued over who was a better commander of the Enterprise?
385. Have you ever felt the urge to learn the Klingon language?
386. Have you ever been to a trek convention?
387. ...in the last six months?
388. Have you ever owned a pair of Spock ears (Star Trek)?
389. ...and worn them in public?
SECTION 10: Clothing and Apparel
390. Are your socks unmatched?
391. Do you own a digital watch?
392. ...that plays music?
393. ...that's currently set to chime on the hour?
394. ...that has a calculator built in?
395. Do you own a pocket protector?
396. ...and are you wearing it?
397. Do you have acne?
398. Do you have greasy hair?
399. ...without realizing it?
400. Do you own any clothing with scientific knowledge printed on it? (e.g. t-shirts with Maxwell's equations)
401. ...which you still wear from time to time?
402. Have you ever worn a radiation film badge?
403. ...while not in the laboratory?
404. ...and described what it was to someone, who then backed away in fear?
405. Are your pants too short?
406. Does your underwear have your name in it?
407. Is your outfit uncoordinated? (have someone else evaluate this)
408. Have you ever worn a button-down shirt and left the tails hanging out?
409. Have you ever bought similar looking shirts/pants in order to save time when dressing because "everything goes together"?
410. Do you wear glasses?
411. ...held together by adhesives? (tape, glue, boogers)
412. Is your vision worse than 20/40? (in either eye)
413. Is your vision worse than 20/80? (in either eye)
414. Do your glasses weigh more than one pound?
SECTION 11: Personality and Lifestyle
415. Have you ever slept an inverted day? (sleep at dawn, wake at dusk)
416. ...for more than one day in a row?
417. Have you ever slept round the clock? (24 continuous hours in bed)
Which of the following have you used to prevent sleep?
418. ...Caffeine?
419. ...exercise?
420. ...Vivarin?
421. ...NoDoz?
422. ...something you made in chem. lab?
423. ...something you found in chem. lab?
424. Have you worked for an engineering or manufacturing firm?
425. ...in the last 3 months?
426. ...and gotten credit at a school for doing so?
427. Have you worked in a research lab?
428. ...and been more interested in the work than the pay?
429. Have you ever visited a power plant? (Hoover Dam, nuclear plant, etc.)
430. ...and not been bored?
431. Are you socially inept?
432. Was the last naked person you saw a hi-res computer scan?
433. Do you talk to yourself?
434. ...when other people are around?
435. Do you talk to imaginary people?
436. ...do they talk back?
437. ...do they seem to be more/less intelligent than you?
438. Do you have a tough time remembering people's names?
439. ...but no trouble with their numeric data? (phone#, SS#)
440. Have you ever played mathematical games with other numbers you see to pass the time? (square/cube root, prime factors of phone#)
441. Do you see everyday situations as representing mathematical concepts?
442. Do you look at quantitative factors when participating in social events? (ex: choosing drinks by % alcohol rather than taste)
443. Mark this true if you did NOT go to your senior prom.
444. Did you go stag to your Senior Prom?
445. Have you ever found a grammatical error in a published book?
446. Have you ever quoted a piece of literature from memory? (poem, quote)
447. Have you ever eaten pizza cold?
448. ...do you like it that way?
449. ...because you're too lazy to reheat it?
450. Have you ever gotten pizza delivered to the lab/office/science building?
451. Is any leftover delivery food currently residing in your refrigerator?
452. ...that's been there so long, you can't remember ordering it?
453. ...that's been there so long, it's become mobile/sentient?
454. Is any food in your refrigerator moldy?
455. Have you ever commented on the lack of intellectual ability found in a "JEOPARDY" contestant?
456. Have you ever contemplated the meaning of life/existence of God?
457. ...while not drunk?
458. ...while alone?
459. Have you ever thought about extra dimensions/parallel universes?
460. ...and discussed their possibilities with others?
461. Have you come to any conclusions about UFO's/life on other planets?
462. ...and used Time-Life's "Mysteries of the Unknown" series as a factual reference to support your claim?
463. Have you ever commented: "If I drive fast enough at the red light, it'll appear green."
464. Have you ever found yourself discussing one of the popular scientific theories of the day with someone you just met? (cold fusion)
465. ...did they bring it up because they thought you incapable of talking about non-technical topics?
466. Have you ever taken part in an experiment to prove/disprove one of the popular scientific theories of the day? (cold fusion, big bang)
467. Have you ever thought about reviving the dead? (Frankenstein)
468. ...for sexual purposes?
469. ...and had some degree of success?
470. ...but been laughed at by a leading medical institution?
471. Have you ever given an inanimate object a name? (inc.: stuffed animal)
472. Was the object something electronic or mechanical?
473. Did the object also have a "personality"?
474. Have you ever compared and contrasted two scientists? (Einstein vs. Newton, etc.)
475. Have you ever argued with someone else over which of two scientists was better?
476. Have you ever argued with someone over which of two computer types/OS's is better? (Macintosh vs. IBM, UNIX vs. VMS)
477. Have you ever laughed out loud at a joke written in a serious scientific paper? (Feynman's lectures, textbook)
478. Has anyone ever called you a geek/nerd?
479. ...in the last two weeks?
480. ...for doing/saying something you knew to be geeky?
481. Have you ever intentionally done something that you consider geeky?
482. ...in the last month?
483. ...today?
SECTION 12: The Nerd Test
484. Are you taking this test alone?
485. Are you currently reading this test on a computer screen?
486. Are you planning to double-check your answers to this test?
487. Do you feel the need (or are you currently using) a calculator to score the test?
488. Are you computing your score in scientific notation?
489. Have you contemplated writing a computer program that would ask and/or tabulate questions found on this test?
490. Are you currently scoring this test in reverse? (i.e. Assuming 100% nerd and deducting for each 'no'?)
491. Have you come across copies of this test from two separate sources?
492. If you are still reading this test, do you really need a test score to prove you are a nerd?
493. Is your nerdity test score higher than your purity test score?
494. Did you feel offended by any of the questions on this test?
495. Did you resort to lying in order to raise your score?
496. Did you resort to lying in order to lower your score?

497. Are you currently competing with someone else for the highest score on this test (or were contemplating it)?
498. ...did you come up second best and challenge them to a rematch?
499. Have you asked for a technical clarification of anything on this test?
500. Have you ever thought of a question that belongs on this test?
Please put your pencils down. That's it! Hope you enjoyed it!
To analyze your Nerdity Quotient, divide your total number of "yes/true" responses by the total number of questions and compare to this list.
Ranking:
0 - 20 Nerd-wannabe
21 - 30 Nerd-in-Training
31 - 35 Closet nerd
36 - 40 You dress like people in Walmart ads
41 - 45 You refuse to live anywhere without pizza delivery service
46 - 50 Your social life needs some serious help
51 - 55 YOU need some serious help
56 - 60 You are on first name basis with Radio Shack employees
61 - 65 Your best friend is a microchip
66 - 70 Bill Gates and E. Gary Gygax are your heroes
71 - 75 You own more surge protectors than cooking utensils
76 - 80 "Revenge of the Nerds" poster-child
81 - 85 Hoping to invent Warp Field Theory or transporter technology
86 - 90 Desperately seeking cybernetic interface implanted in your brain
91 - 99 Move over, Einstein
100 Hail, O Nerd Master, virgin sliderulers I sacrifice unto you

Stop the bus!!

A group of people were traveling cross-country on a Greyhound bus. The driver had just turned onto the interstate highway when a woman came up to him and said, "Please stop the bus, there's a man back there who's bothering me."

The driver said he stop at the very next exit but before he got there, another woman came up and made the same complaint. When the driver was finally able to stop, he walked to the rear of the bus and saw a little old baldheaded man down on his hands and knees looking under the seats. The bus driver said, "Sir, what seems to be the problem?"

"I lost my toupee and I'm looking for it. I though I'd found it several times but mine parts on the side."

Jon Lajoie: Bought a Car

I bought a car last week. Well, by bought I mean poisoned and by car I mean my neighbors dog.

While driving down the road a ...

While driving down the road a motorist passed a fairground and he noticed a fortune teller sitting under a canopy outside, laughing and smiling. The motorist drove on for a couple of miles down the road then spun his car around and sped back toward the fortune teller. He pulled up next to the woman, jumped out of his car and suddenly began slapping and beating her."What are you doing?" asked the injured woman. The man replied: "Well, I've always wanted to strike a happy m

There was a competition to cro...

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

What happend here???

A guy comes home in the middle of the day, finds his wife standing in the middle of their deluxe apartment wearing a red G-string, high heels, and the whole apartment is flooded.

"What happened here?" he asks.

"I think the waterbed busted," says the trembling wife.

Just then a guy floats by.

"Who's that?" demands the husband.

"I dunno. Must be a lifeguard."

Studying Up for the Big Test

"Why do you keep reading the Bible everyday?" the teenage girl asked her grandfather.
"Well, it's a bit like cramming for your final exam," said Granddad.

During a visit to the mental a...

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"

trying to be helpful

A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".

Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.

Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man.

He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

Yo Mama So Fat

yo mama so fat she went into the ocean rose ita 150 ft