Jokes of the day for Friday, 14 May 2010

These bear hunters were sittin...

These bear hunters were sitting around the cabin the night before the hunt bragging about their passt hunts.
The cabin boy was listening and went over and said "you guys make it seem pretty hard on capturing a bear".
They all laughed and said "it is hard; do you think you could bag one"?
"I can go out and bag you 2 if you will skin them, and I will bet each of you $100.00.
They agreed and off he went out into the night.
Soon he spotted a big grizzly; he waved his arm and started hollering the big bear started after him and he started running for the shack. When he got close to the shack he started yelling. "Open the door he yelled".
They looked out and saw the bear chasing the boy. Just as he got to the door they opened it and he stepped aside and the bear went in. He slammed the door and locked it and shouted. "OK skin him I'll go and get the other one".

Know Your Apples

Here is the scene: The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Church elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and put it on the apple tray...
'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

Waiting on a long line #joke #humor

The checkout line at the hardware store was getting longer and longer as the clerk labored to get the new cash register to cooperate.
At one point she wailed "Oh no, NOW what do I do ? It just rang up sixty-four thousand, five hundered seventy four dollars in sales tax on a ten-dollar sale !"
Suprisingly, the customers in front of me didn't seem too upset by the delay.
Some even chuckled sympathetically. It wasn't until I got near the front of the line that I saw the neatly hand-lettered sign in front of the register:
WE ARE CURRENTLY DOING BATTLE WITH OUR NEW COMPUTER FOR CONTROL OF THE STORE---WE APPRECIATE YOUR PATIENCE.

I hate math. And when I think ...

I hate math. And when I think about integers divisible by two, I feel even number.

God Takes a Vacation

"Hmmm," St. Peter reflected. "Well, how about Mercury?"
"No way!" God muttered. "It's way too hot for me there!"
"I've got it," St. Peter said, his face lighting up. "How about going down to Earth for your vacation?"
Chuckling, God remarked, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"

"A White House spokesman ...

"A White House spokesman announced today that Vice President Dick Cheney's recovery is exceeding his doctor's expectations. You know what that means? He's still alive." -- Jay Leno

Jeff Dunham: How Women Age

Jeff Dunham: Walter, your wife is a lovely woman.
Walter: Shes getting old.
Jeff Dunham: Well, you know, they say that women age like fine wine.
Walter: Shes aging like milk.

An apple a day....

While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. I asked one nurse what the pin signified. "Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."

How many surrealists does it t...

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

I Marked The Spot

Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend,
"Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?"
His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."
The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"

We noticed that all the waiter...

We noticed that all the waiters in this New York restaurant carried two spoons in their vest pocket. Naturally, we were curious. We asked a waiter why.
'Sir, as a result of an efficiency study by the management, it was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item was a spoon. Therefore, all the waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced.' As he was explaining that we noticed a string hanging out of the fly of his pants. So, we asked about that.
'Sir, that's another efficiency study result. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands.' We replied, 'I understand how you can get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in.' 'Well,' replied the waiter, 'I don't know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons!'

Three nuns were talking. The f...

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"
"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.

Hang your @

Home is where you hang your @.

A Texan farmer goes to Austral...

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

Little Johnny learns to count...

The teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he says, "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three."

"Four," answers little Johnny.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

Little Johnny smiles and says, "Jack."

Nude beach

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina.

The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.

After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps.

He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.

The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the doctor said, "I could give it a try."

Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman.

The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"

"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."

The first Jewish woman Preside...

The first Jewish woman President is elected.

She calls her Mother: "Mama, I've won the election, you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony."

"I don't know, what would I wear?"

"Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker."

"But I only eat kosher food."

"Mama, I am going to be the President, I can get you kosher food."

"But how will I get there?"

"I'll send a limo, just come Mama."

"OK, OK, if it makes you happy."

The great day comes and Mama is seated between the supreme court justices and the future cabinet members. She nudges the gentleman on her right.

"You see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible? Her brother's a Doctor!"

What is Hell?

One day...

What is Hell?

One day a man arrives at the gates of hell. Of course the poor soul gets to meet mister Devil himself. Having had a life full of sin, he gets the choice of spending eternity in either one of three rooms.

The Devil leads him to the first room. As the door opens the man sees a freezing cold chamber. A group of people stands shivering in the middle of the room, desperately trying to deny that the temperature is way below zero. Let's go to the next room, the man says, "I like eternity to be a little warmer."

The Devil takes him to the next room. In there everything is burning. Even standing outside the man feels the steaming heat. "Naaaah", he says," I don't want eternity to be that hot, let's go to the last room, Mr. Diabolo!."

The third room looks a lot more interesting. Standing in dog poop to their knees a group of peopl are drinking coffee. "Now that's nice", the man exclaims," Eternity should be nice drinking coffee. I think I'll get used to the stink. So Mr. Devil, I'd like to stay here for the next three million years!." As said, it is done. The devil leaves with his well-known sardonic smile and the man drinks coffee standing in the shit. "Not too bad", he thinks. But after a while a buzzer begins to buzz. A voice speaks through a speaker: Coffee-break is over. Go stand on your head again !