Jokes of the day for Saturday, 01 January 2011
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 01 January 2011 |
Two drunks are sitting elbow t...
Two drunks are sitting elbow to elbow at a bar. “I wish I knew where I was going to die,” Paul says.“Why?” asks Tom
“Because if I knew I would not go there “Paul replied.
Jack Bauer once saved 18 babie...
Jack Bauer once saved 18 babies from a burning building. Upon seeing that he had time to spare, Bauer threw 8 of the babies back in, poured fuel on them and waited 12 minutes before re-entering the building and saving the remaining babies just in time.A pain in the leg...
An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn't heal, and wants a diagnosis and explanation. The doctor checks out his leg, but can't find anything wrong, so he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can't come up with any possible explanation for the pain.
The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, "I'm sorry, but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age; there's nothing I can do about it."
The old man replies with a look of disbelief, "That's impossible! That can't be!"
The Doctor says, "What do you mean? I'm the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it's NOT old age?"
The patient answers, "I'm no doctor but it doesn't take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong. Clearly you're mistaken. After all, my other leg feels just fine."
"So what?" says the doctor "What difference does that make?"
"Well it doesn't hurt a bit, and it's the SAME AGE!"
How Army Policy Began
This is Army policy all begins...
Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water.
Continue until, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes try to prevent it.
Now, turn off the cold water.
Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.
After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?
"Because that's the way it's always been around here."
That's how Army policy begins...
Christian One-Liners
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
A dentist was getting ready to...
A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves... "Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" She said, "No?"
"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."
And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"
A guy is sitting at a bar ...
A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!!!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
Some of those pedophile priest...
Some of those pedophile priests must have misunderstood the pope's orders: anul sects.Paper shredder...
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary asked.
"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
Where should a dressmaker buil...
Where should a dressmaker build her house?On the outskirts.
The Gremlin, Abbey Terrace
Toilet Jokes Which Don't Stink
Last week, I ran out of toilet paper and started using old newspapers instead.
All I can say is that The Times are really rough.
Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?
Ah, so it’s you who’s been making a mess of my bathroom!
Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?
Ah, so it’s you who’s been making a mess of my bathroom!
Why was Eeyore down the toilet?
Because he was looking for Pooh!
Why did the toilet roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
Did you hear about the film ‘Constipated’?
It never came out!
There are two reasons you shouldn’t drink from the toilet.
Number one and number two!
Doctor, doctor! I think I have a bladder infection!
I see urine trouble!
Why did three witches call in the plumber?
Hubble bubble, toilet trouble!
Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl using the bathroom?
Because the ‘P’ is silent.
I bought an Abba-branded toilet last week.
What a loo!
What did the poo say to the fart?
You blow me away!
Who saves the world by hanging out in the toilet?
Flush Gordon
What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung!
Why didn’t the toilet paper make it across the road?
It got stuck in a crack.
