Jokes of the day for Sunday, 09 January 2011
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 09 January 2011 |
Do dictionary salesmen take a ...
Do dictionary salesmen take a vow of sell-ABC?“Pull over the curb,” said the...
“Pull over the curb,” said the policeman. “You don’t have a taillight.”The motorist stepped out, looked in back of the car, and stood quivering and speechless. “Oh, it’s not that bad,” said the policeman. The man mumbled, “It’s not the taillight I am worried about. Where are my wife and trailer?”
The Pope vs. Moishe
About a century or two ago, the Pope challenged the Jewish community of Rome to a debate.
The Jews looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the rules of debate. Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews win."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger, to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible. "What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
Schwarzenegger has a big one -...
Schwarzenegger has a big one -Michael J. Fox has a small one -
Madonna doesn't have one -
The Pope has one but doesn't use his -
Clinton uses his all the time -
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one -
Liberace never used his on women -
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his -
Cher claims that she took on 3 -
We never saw Lucy use Desi's -
What is it?
The answer is: "A Last Name."
Breaking The Silence
Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Chief Priest said to him:
"Brother John, you have been here a year now, you may speak two words."
Brother John said, "Hard Bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better bed."
The next year, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest. "You may say another two words Brother John."
"Cold Food." said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future.
On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."
"I Quit." said Brother John.
"It is probably best." said the Chief Priest. "All you have done since you got here is complain."
Psychiatrist Phone
Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don't press anything.
If you are anal retentive, please hold.
Playing magic
A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?"She says, "What's that?"
He says, "We go to my house and have sex and then you disappear."
Tom Rhodes: Childhood Dreams
When I was a little boy, I wanted to be an astronaut. That was, like, my first dream in life. Whatever happened to childhood dreams like that, huh? How come this aint a room full of ballerinas and firemen?Chuck Norris, Arnold Swartzena...
Chuck Norris, Arnold Swartzenagger, and Jean Claud VanDam, were talking one day. Chuck Norris asked, "If you were a musician, who would you be?". Chuck Norris said, "I would be Motzart."
Jean Claud VanDam said, "I would be Bethoven."
Arnold then said, "I'll be Bach!"
A fellow bought a new Mercedes...
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the Yellowhead for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him."There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The Mountie came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give mean excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go."
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer.
A blonde was hard up for money...
A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job. She met a nice man who said he would give her work. All she had to do was paint his porch white. He gave her a bucket of paint and left.
He walked into his house, laughing. He told his brunette wife what he had done. "Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You're so mean." his wife replied. Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man.
The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.
"It takes time, but it was easy." was her reply. "Oh, and it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."
What has two humps at the Nort...
What has two humps at the North Pole?The preacher's Sunday sermon w...
The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies" She asked,"How many have forgiven your enemies?" About half held up their hands.
She repeated the question, now about 80% raised their hands.
She repeated the question again, all raised their hands except one elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any" she responded.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three" she replied.
"Mrs. Jones, would you please come forward and explain to the
congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and said:.................................................
"It's easy. I just outlived those bitches."
