Jokes of the day for Thursday, 16 June 2011

Christopher Titus: Drunk Driving Lecture

Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. I guess it wasnt a lecture; it was helpful tips from the master.

Chuck Norris can set ants on f...

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Seen this?

I had trouble with the idea of turning 50 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead and asked my husband, “Oh no, have you seen this?”

“What?” he asked. “The wrinkles?”

Birthquake: a...

Birthquake: a woman going into labour.

A Sunday school teacher asked ...

A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"
"No!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"
Again the answer was "No!"
"Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

Church Bulletins

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

Volunteer fire department...

A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.

Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That ought to be obvious," he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"

Microsoft Trademarks TM

Microsoft Trademarks the Trademark Symbol
By Vince Sabio HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
REDMOND, Wash (UPI) - Software and marketing giant Microsoft Corporation (MSFT) announced today that it has purchased the rights to the well-known "trademark" symbol, formerly denoted as "tm" in most print media.
The symbol is commonly used to identify commercial product names that have not yet been registered with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office.
"It was a natural," commented John Schexnader, of Microsoft's Ministry of Information. "Several of us were sitting around after a board meeting a few months ago, and we were talking about what we should buy next. We were tossing around the idea of purchasing a country or two in South America, as kind of a follow-up to Sun Microsystems' trademark-infringement claim against The Island Formerly Known As Java, when it occurred to us that there are no countries named 'ActiveX.' We talked about changing the name of 'ActiveX' to 'Chile' or 'Brazil' -- which would also help distance it from all those recently-uncovered security holes -- when someone joked that we'd save a lot of time and effort in the long run if we'd just trademark the trademark symbol."
Schexnader continued, "At first, we all just laughed -- but one look at Bill's face, and we knew we'd be on the phone with the Patent and Trademark Office in the morning."
Microsoft hasn't wasted any time enforcing the new trademark. According Rue B. Goldberg, an attorney with Microsoft's Ministry of Litigation and Law Enforcement, "Use of the 'tm' symbol will now be restricted to Microsoft and its subsidiaries, like the Catholic Church."
But companies wishing to use the '(tm)' symbol will not be left out in the cold; according to Goldberg, Microsoft has developed a new symbol, '(tMS)', to replace the now-restricted '(tm)' symbol.
"Anyone will be able to use the new symbol, royalty-free," states Goldberg, "though Microsoft reserves the right to charge for its use in the future."
Response to the announcement was varied. Apple Computer CEO Gil Amelio vowed to take the issue to court, stating, "Apple Computer developed the technology for the trademark symbol more than ten years ago," but refused to give any details on the exact nature of the lawsuit.
Meanwhile, Times-Mirror Publishing, Ziff-Davis, the L.A. Times, the N.Y. Times, CNN, the Washington Post, Newsweek, and Kathy Lee Gifford all agreed that it was a landmark move. According to William Spangler, Electronics and Pet Food Editor for the Boston Globe, "[Microsoft's] recent acquisition of the trademark symbol will benefit computer users worldwide. It's a technological breakthrough. As always, the rest of the computer industry is just struggling to play catch-up."
So, what does the future hold for Microsoft and its latest acquisition? Microsoft Ministry of Information spokeswoman Alice Gilbert says that Microsoft is moving quickly on similar purchases. "Our next [acquisition] will be the 'service mark' symbol. We already have the paperwork in place for it." Gilbert stated that the new symbol would be 'sMS', following the trend set by the new trademark symbol.
"It's a natural for us," concluded Gilbert. But apparently, the sky is not the limit at Microsoft. "We'd also looked into acquiring the rights to the 'registered' trademark symbol, but several representatives from the Ministry of Technology determined that doing so would lead to an infinite loop in the trademark registry -- and the only place where we permit infinite loops is in our software. Our standards are very high here at Microsoft."
But that fact has not deterred the software and marketing giant. "Instead, we're looking into purchasing the entire Patent and Trademark Office," stated Schexnader.
No one at the Patent and Trademark Office could be reached for comment Tuesday.
Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio, HumourNet Communications Ltd. All Rights Reserved; permission is hereby granted to forward or post "Microsoft Trademarks the Trademark Symbol," provided that the by-line (above) and this copyright statement are included.

What a mess!

Have you heard about the elephant with diarrhea?

It's all over town!

Submitted by Glaci

Edited by Curtis

After having their 11th child,...

After having their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Arkansas), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Arkansan said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

1, 2, 3, 4, 5

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Mississippi and Alabama.

While the bar patron savored a...

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

Serving Two Masters

A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy.
"Nothing easier," Twain replied. "No man can serve two masters."

Langauge

Someone mistakenly leaves the cages open in the reptile house at the Bronx Zoo and there are snakes slithering all over the place.

Frantically, the keeper tries everything, but he can't get them back in their cages. Finally he says, "Quick, call a lawyer!"

"A lawyer? Why??"

"We need someone who speaks their langauge!"

Do Cats Go to Heaven?

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."
The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"

Material Damage

A yuppie was opening the door of his BMW when a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie complained bitterly about the damage to his car.
Officer, look what theyve done to my Beemer!
You yuppies are so materialistic, its ridiculous retorted the officer. Youre so worried about your stupid BMW, you didnt even notice that your left arm was ripped off.
Oh, my God! screamed the yuppie, noticing the bloody stump where his arm used to be. My Rolex!

You Are A Chicken

A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"
The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"
"Two years," says the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."

Question and answer Clinton jokes

Q: How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter's finger?

A: Punch him in the nose.

Q: What does Jeffrey Dahmer's victims and The Clintons' hair styles have in common?

A: They both look like the work of a butcher.

Q: If The Clinton's were younger, do you think they would have known the Clampents?

A: Possibly, Bill might have made Jethro's acquaintance in the 6th grade.

Q: Why doesn't Hillary cut Bill's hair?

A: He won't pay her $300.

Q: What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?

A: His face.

Q: What is the Arkansas state flower?

A: Gennifer.

Q: Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours?

A: Put Janet Reno in charge.

Q: What's the difference between a Bill Clinton and a carp?

A: One's a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other's a fish.

Q: What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull?

A: The pit bull doesn't carry a briefcase.

Q: How does Bill Clinton say "I'm about to hurt you"?

A: "Trust me."

Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?

A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.

Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow?

A: By the wise look in the eyes.

Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies?

A: He's the stiff one.

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Two--One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None--He'll only promise "change."

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: He doesn't! He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?

A: Because they're sending their turkey to the White House!

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?

A: Because they can't afford any more pork.

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?

A: Reagan ate all the jellybeans.

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?

A: They've been having turkey for years.

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?

A: Because Clinton "invested" all the turkey.

Q: What were Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth?

A: Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to ruin the people!

Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did?

A: A dead girlfriend.

Q: What's the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?

A: No fee--If No Recovery!

Q: How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?

A: They were dating the same girl in high school.

Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?

A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.

Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face?

A: If his lips are moving, then he's lying.

Q: What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?

A: Neither one is very bright.

Q: What does Clinton do to lose weight?

A: Runs away from the draft.

Q: How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle [in Bosnia]?

A: He's got his jogging suit on.

Q: What's Clinton's favorite baseball team?

A: The Dodgers.

Q: What's Bill's fondest wish now?

A: That someone would wave a hand at him using more than one finger.

Q: What's a Clinton sandwich?

A: Pure bologna piled high and deep.

Q: Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1?

A: For spare parts.

Q: Did you hear that the Clinton's had Air Force 1 remodeled?

A: Now it's got two left wings.

Q: Why is Bill Clinton called "middle of the road Democrat"?

A: Because he's got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane back.

Q: Why is Bill Clinton's economic plan called positively atheist?

A: Because it hasn't got a prayer.

Q: If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument, who'd land first?

A: Who cares!

Q: How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck?

A: Trying to save both faces.

Q: If Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat capsized, who would be saved?

A: The United States of America!

Q: Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to improving jails?

A: Because when his term is through, he won't be going to school.

Q: Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly?

A: Heredity.

Q: Why did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a private school?

A: If they sent her to a public school, the secret service would be out-gunned!

Q: What do Clinton and JFK have in common?

A: They haven't had any brains for the last thirty years.

Q: What happened when Bill Clinton got a shot of testosterone?

A: He turned into Hillary!

Q: Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President Clinton's election?

A: It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!

Q: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely?

A: Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President!

Q: How many Clinton administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two--one to screw the bulb into the water faucet while the other tells us that everything possible is being done to help the situation.

Q: How many republicans does it take to raise your taxes?

A: None. The democrats do that.

Q: How many republicans does it take to disarm the law abiding public so that the government can enforce totalitarianistic and unconstitutional laws?

A: None. The Sociali--Democrats do that.

Q: How many Clinton White House officials does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. They like to keep him in the dark!

Q: Why do liberals travel in threes?

A: One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.

Q: What kind of neckwear does Hillary Clinton look best in?

A: A noose.

Q: What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in?

A: Handcuffs.

Q: What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble?

A: Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia.

Q: What's the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials?

A: A police lineup.

Q: What's a conservative?

A: A liberal who made it through adolescence.

Q: What is a conservative?

A: A liberal who's been mugged.

Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?

A: Chelsea.

Q: You know what the problem with political jokes is, don't you?

A: They get elected.

Q: What famouse Arkansas State Supreme Court decision is Hilary Clinton famous for?

A: If you divorce your wife in Arkansas, is she still your cousin?

Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton a miracle child?

A: Because lawyers use their personalities for birth control.

Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?

A: To tax the chicken.

Q: Why can't Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against his critics?

A: Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame.

Q: If called to testify in a trial how long will it before before Clinton commits perjury?

A: When he's sworn in.

Q: How many helicopters does it take for White House aides to go play a round of golf?

A: Depends on how many were photographed.

Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?

A: To meet the chick.

Q: How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike?

A: Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass.

Q: Did you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore?

A: Yeah, they were Bill Clinton.

Q: Did you know that Clinton's cat can play Chess?

A: Inside Information: The cat isn't really all that good at Chess. The last time they played best of five, Clinton won three games to two.

Q: Who would become President of the U.S.A if the President died?

A: Bill Clinton of course!

Q: How does Bill Clinton change a light bulb?A: He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.Q: What do the Republicans have that Bill Clinton wishes he had?

A: A mandate to govern.

Q: How can you tell that the guy who attacked the White house with a plane was insane?A: He seems to have thought Clinton would be in his own bedroom at night.Q: What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke?

A: "You idiot! I told you to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home!

Q: What did Boris Yelstin say when asked if meeting Clinton made want to convert Russia to the type of government they have in America?

A: "Never! I'm not going to let my wife run the country!!"

Q: Why doesn't Bill like old houses?

A: He's afraid of the draft.

Q: What's the differents between Bill Clinton and an elephant?

A: About 20 pounds and a jogging suit.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?

A: Koresh only burned 85 people.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?

A: Some people still believe in David Koresh.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin?

A: Some of Stalin's subjects admired him.

Q: How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One--she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

Q: What's the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver?

A: The bus driver stops to let the kids out.

Q: How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House?

A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

Q: When will there be a woman in the White House?

A: When Hillary leaves town.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a container of yogurt?

A: Yogurt has culture.

Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas?

A: Highway 55.

Q: Why does Clinton always have a stupid grin on his face?

A: He is stupid!

Q: Why is Clinton prone to losing his voice?

A: He keeps having to eat his words.

Q: How do you know when a liberal is really dead?

A: His heart stops bleeding.

Q: How does Al Gore spell potato?

A: T-A-T-E-R.

Q: Why is Chelsea growing up a confused child?

A: Because dad can't keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.

Q: Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade?

A: The first one held the real president while the second one contained the president's spouse, Bill Clinton.

Q: How has Clinton made his cabinet look more like America?

A: Many of them have sixth grade reading levels.

Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?

A: Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.

Q: How do you spot Al Gore in a room full of secret service agents?

A: He's the stiff one.

Q: What were the three toughest years in Al Gore's life?

A: Grade six.

Q: If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets defense, what does Gore get?

A: Coffee.

Q: What will Bill's favorite retail outlet be after his economic blueprint takes effect?

A: Everything's $100.

Q: What was the real purpose of Bill's college visit to Moscow?

A: To study economics.

Q: What is Clinton's plan to create thousands of small businesses?

A: Take thousands of big businesses and wait four years.

Q: Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea's new private school?

A: They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?

A: It took Bill less than 100 days to botch a military mission.

Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?

A: To promote off-shore drilling.

Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin?

A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.

Q: What does Clinton have in common with his Hollywood pals?

A: They all make a living by lying to people.

Q: Why did the Davidians commit suicide?

A: They were trying to keep up with the Joneses.

Q: Why are there more jokes about Waco than Jonestown?

A: The punch lines were too long in Jonestown.

Q: What do a Wendy's Hamburger and the Waco compound have in common?

A: They were both cooked by a guy named "Dave".

Q: What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?

A: A competent liberal President.

Q: What is the first thing that President Clinton says after waking up?

A: "Good morning, Bill."

Q: What has Clinton done that no one has been able to do in the last 5 years?

A: Unite the Republican Party.

Q: Why did Clinton waffle on military action in Bosnia?

A: His area of expertise is dodging armed conflict.

Q: How many Democrats does it take to destroy a light bulb?

A: None. They only know how to destroy the taxpayers.

Q: When did Clinton's friends become sure that he had political ambitions?

A: When he married outside of his family.

Q: What does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents?

A: Absolutely nothing.

Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Elvis?

A: Elvis was drafted and served proudly in the Army.

Q: Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton?

A: Because he filed as head of the household.

Q: How is Clinton's health care reform a lot like his haircut?

A: It is a lot more expensive than it looks.

Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?

A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

Q: Why were the Clintonites pushing the BTU Tax?

A: Because they could spell it.

Q: What is the basement where White House staffers work called?

A: The whine cellar.

Q: Why aren't Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks?

A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: How can you identify a computer that has been in use at the Clinton White House?

A: There is White-out on the screen.

Q: How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers?

A: There is writing on the White-out.

Q: What is the difference between an intelligent liberal and Bigfoot?

A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: How is Bill Clinton like a passive-restraint device?

A: He is a bag of air that is not on the driver's side.

Q: How is Bill like a character actor?

A: When he shows character, he's acting.

Q: What is Hillary's favorite holiday?

A: Summer Solstice.

Q: What do you get when you give Bill Clinton a penny for his thoughts?

A: Change.

Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton with a gorilla?

A: Who knows? There is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.

Q: What is Clinton's favorite war song?

A: "Over Here"

Q: What costume did Bill Clinton wear to a Halloween party that scared everyone to death?

A: He came dressed as a two-term president.

Q: Why is Perot's wife glad he didn't get elected?

A: If he won, they would have to move to a smaller house in a bad neighborhood.

Q: What is the difference between liberalism and socialism?

A: Socialism is dead.

Q: What is the difference between Clinton's health care plan and a kidney stone?

A: A kidney stone is easier to pass.

Q: What is the difference between Hitler and Bill Clinton?

A: Hitler intended to deliver on his speeches.

Q: What is the difference between the U.S. and the former USSR?

A: The U.S. still has a Communist Party in power.

Q: What does Clinton need to stop the white water?

A: A water gate.

Q: Why are they renaming Arkansas Highway 50 the "Bill Clinton Highway?"

A: The road is crooked, slick, and has a yellow stripe down the middle.

Q: What do Hillary Clinton and the Dallas Cowboys have in common?

A: They both dominate Bills.

Q: What is the difference between TV characters Dan and Roseanne Conner and the Clintons?

A: The Conners own their own home.

Q: What is the difference between Whitewater and Watergate?

A: No one died in Watergate.

Q: What is Hillary's new nickname after her latest hairstyle?

A: Oldielocks.

Q: What are the administration's favorite words in foreign policy?

A: We have not ruled out military force.

Q: What would one get with a donation to Rostenkowski's legal fund?

A: A free stamp.

Q: Why are staff cuts so difficult for Clinton?

A: He can't give a woman a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.

Q: Which of the following does not belong: AIDS, gonorrhea, herpes, or Bill Clinton?

A: Gonorrhea--it can be cured.

Q: Why was Roger Clinton's wedding delayed 5 days?

A: The bride's father had to wait 5 days to buy the shotgun.

Q: How are Congressmen and baseball players alike?

A: They are millionaires who work 3 hours a day and left in August not finishing what they had started.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Atlantic?

A: To attend D-Day celebrations.

Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and James Dean?

A: A man without a clue.

Q: How did we know long before the Haiti invasion that Clinton was planning to go to war?

A: He visited Oxford.

Q: How is Bill Clinton like an unemployed school teacher?

A: No class and no principals.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a pickpocket?

A: A pickpocket snatches watches.

Q: What does Hillary have in common with the city of Buffalo?

A: They both have Bills that are losers.

Q: Why does the Clinton administration want to reinvent government?

A: They are having a lot of trouble dealing with the existing form...democracy.

Q: Who should Clinton have used to overthrow Haiti's military?

A: John Elway.

Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?

A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

Q: Why does Hillary think her husband is a model president?

A: Because a model is a small imitation of the real thing.

Q: What does Hillary Clinton have in common with Gerald Ford?

A: They both became president without being elected.

Q: What's the difference between the Waco ATF and Bill Clinton?

A: BIll Clinton burned 260,000,000 people.

Q: What do call someone who sees the glass in front of him half full?

A: An optimist.

Q: Well, then what do you call someone who sees the glass in front of him as half empty?

A: Teddy Kennedy.

Q: What did Teddy Kennedy say when he heard of JFK's assassination?

A: He couldn't have been shot in the temple! We're not Jewish!

Q: Why did Ted Kennedy spend four hours in the voting booth?

A: He thought he was in a confessional.

Q: Why did the Clintons switch from MCI to AT&T?

A: They didn't have enough friends left to make a calling circle.

Q: What's the difference between President Hoover and Clinton?

A: One promised a chicken in every pot and the other was an unpromising chicken who smoked pot.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To get away from Bill Clinton.

Q: What's the difference between Clinton and Christopher Reeve?

A: Clinton is dead from the neck up.

Q: Where are the two biggest airbags located?

A: The White House.

Q: Who was the first liberal Democrat?

A: Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been, and did it all on borrowed money.

Q: Did you hear that someone threw a bottle of beer at Clinton?

A: Yes, but it's ok. It was a Draft and he was able to dodge it.

Q: What's Bill Clinton's least expensive hobby?

A: To sit in the Oval Office and collect dust.

Q: Did you hear that Tyson Foods has genetically engineered a new breed of chicken and named it in honor of Bill Clinton?

A: It's a brainless, spineless, tar-and-feathers yellow chicken.

Q: Why is Bill Clinton the living proof of reincarnation?

A: Because no one could get this stupid in one lifetime.

Q: Do you know why Clinton gave the Federal employees the day off on Wednesday?

A: It was Secretaries' Day and he was too cheap to buy his a present!

Q: What's a word for Clintons '92 campaign

A: A snow job.

Q: What will you get if Clinton's health bill passes?

A: No Job.

Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!

Q: What's the best job a dumb blonde ever had?

A: Vice-president of the United States.

Q: Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll?

A: You pull a little ring and it never tells the same story twice!

Q: What do Hillary Clinton and Marie Antoinette have in common?

A: Nothing . . . yet.

Q: Why does Hillary Clinton often wear turtle necks when attending Bill's speaking engagements?

A: So you can't see her adam's apple move as he speaks.

Q: What's Clinton doing to make Americans happy?

A: If you've paid your tax bill and have enough money left to feed your family--you're happy.