Jokes of the day for Friday, 08 July 2011

Chuck Norris' favourite cut of...

Chuck Norris' favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.

The best answer to the questio...

The best answer to the question asked in an interview...

"Where do you see yourself in 5 years' time?" . . .

"In the mirror as always . . "

Marriage counselling

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counsellor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counsellor said that he had discovered the main problem.

He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, “This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!”

The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, “Ok, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?”

The guy at the bar in charge o...

The guy at the bar in charge of karaoke requests never picks me. I feel like I'm ode.

The best answer to the questio...

The best answer to the question asked in an interview, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years' time?" . . . "In the mirror as always . . "

What a Woman Really Wants

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer; he would be put to death.
The question? . . . What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with every one, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice, compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered . . . is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self only half-the-time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day . . . or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT . . . make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now . . . what is the moral to this story?
The moral is . . .
If you don't let a woman have her own way . . .
Things are going to get ugly!

A blonde woman decides to join...

A blonde woman decides to join the navy. She does okay in most of the training. (With the help of everybody else there), but then the big day comes. Time for the live fire course.

The first part they will have to be crawling on the ground to avoid bullets. "NOW! yelles the general. Everybody get to the ground. Everybody including the blonde obays. We will start the Fire in 3... 2... 1..." The blonde stands up and says "pardon?"

Ben Bailey: Slow People in the Subway

The thing I hate the most about the subway is every time I get off the train and Im trying to get out of the station and back up to the street, I end up getting stuck behind these really slow people on the stairs. It happens to me every time I take the subway. Its been happening to me for years. And my question is this: how the hell do they keep beating me to the stairway?

Cured...

A woman went to doctor's office for her annual examination.

Suddenly, another older doctor noticed her burst out of the examination room, screaming as she ran down the hall. He stopped the hysterical woman and asked her to sit down and relax. Then, he asked her what she was so upset about.

A few minutes later, the older doctor marched back to the woman's doctor and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children, and seven grandchildren... and you told her she was pregnant?"

The woman's doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard, "Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"

Marriage Quotes 03

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.
A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce Friedman
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -- Helen Rowland

Do Your Boobs?

One day this guy named Dan was sitting in class next to a really hot girl named Jen. He was a dork but had a huge chrush on Jen. Dan wanted to tell her about his chrush on her but didn't know how to. So he said "Are your boobs so hard that when you touch them your fingers start bleeding?"

Jen was totally grossed out and said in reply "I guess you've never seen boobs before" **The End**

A man goes into a pet shop and...

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later...no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later...no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what's going on. So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, "Hey!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just putting on my shoes!"

Q: What do you get if you enro...

Q: What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you do well in is music?
A: A natural major.

In the Act

A Howard County Policeman broke up a young couple in the act of lovemaking on a pathway in Columbia.

The girl berated the officer long and loud with a barrage of obscenities.

The boy was silent throughout the confrontation.

The officer arrested them both anyway.

The girl was charged with disorderly conduct, the boy with having an offensive person on his weapon.

Submitted by Calamjo

Louis C.K.: Time Anxiety

I hate when people ask me the time on the street cause something happens to me. I just panic. I cant read my watch. When Im alone, Im great at reading my watch, but when someone asks me, I just have this anxiety attack, and I just cant make it out... I always end up saying something useless, like, Its 20 of 9:40.

Heading for Trouble

A guy and his son go into a bar. The son is just a head though. The man asks the bartender for two shots. The man takes one shot and gives the other one to his son. The son swallows down the drink and out pops an arm.

The man thought,''Hey this is good.'' So he asks for two more shots. He drinks one and gives the other to his son again, and out pops another arm.

The man the asks for a double and gives it to his son. The son throws it down and suddenly explodes.

The bartender looks over at the man and says,'' Looks like he should have quit while he was ahead.'

A mathematician, an accountant...

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says; "What do you want it to equal?"