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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Really funny jokes-Lion tamers

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a man in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde woman about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm going to be honest with you, this is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She ignores the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"
The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (3)

Chuck Norris once roundhouse k...

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 3.27/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (11)

SLIDESHOW #38 - Funny Photo Slideshow

McDonald's opened an ice...

McDonald's opened an ice Palace. I got so excited I danced a big mac-arena
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (8)

Funny video of the day - AFV Part 112 (NEW!)

AFV Part 112 (NEW!) - Americas Funniest Home Videos - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 5.14/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (7)

On the first day of college, t...

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:

"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (6)

Funny Photo of the day - U.S. VOTERS

U.S. VOTERS | Source : Very Demotivational - Posters That Demotivate Us
  • Currently 5.91/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (11)

You might be a redneck...

You might be a reneck if...

You've ever given a set of Tupperware ice tea glasses as a wedding present.

Your dungarees expose more than half of your crack in the back because the weight of your pocket knife.

Your idea of heaven involves two shotguns and a keg of beer.

You picket your horses on your lawn so you won't have to mow it.

You're wearing a camoflauge jacket and dipping in your driver's license pic.

You stop to flirt with the person running the drive through at McDonalds.

You save old kitchen appliances for target practice.

You save old kitchen appliances for children's Christmas presents.

You get up EARLY on Saturday to go yard sale shopping for entertainment.

Your gun cabinet takes up half your living room.

#joke #christmas #beer
  • Currently 5.44/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (9)

Before going to Europe on busi...

Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral.

"Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says.

The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back.

"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer says.

The man writes out a check and starts to walk away.

"Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Tony Rock: Alcohol Is a Drug

I love alcohol, man. Some people call alcohol a drug, too. Some people say that, Alcohols a drug. Not me, I call it a vitamin. Cause whatever your deficiency is, alcohol will treat it.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.47/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (43)

10 Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish talking.

Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.
Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.

Commandment 10.
Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 6.10/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (50)

The Million Dollar Question for God

A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to God to ask, "God, what is a million years to you?"
God replies, "My son, a million years to you is like a second to me."
The man asks, "God, what is a million dollars to you?"God replies, "My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me."
The man asks, "So God, can I have a million dollars?"
And God replies, "In a second."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 31 October 2011
  • Currently 6.13/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (8)

One day an engineer dies.He wa...

One day an engineer dies.He was kind that built lots of things, like air conditioners.When he went to heaven he met God. God says "Go to hell, you're not on my list."
So after going 30,255,391 stairs to hell, he lets the devil know who he is and so the devil says "Hey, come on in!"
In hell the engineer built airplanes, buildings, cars, etc. God sees this and says "Hey devil, you know that engineer guy. He needs to come back to heaven."
The devil says "Are you crazy, I'm not gonna let you have him." To which God says "If you dont let me have him, I'll sue."
Devil says "You can't sue! You dont even have lawyers up there!"
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 04 December 2009
  • Currently 4.79/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (82)

A blonde walks into an empty b...

A blonde walks into an empty bar on New Year's Eve and asks the bartender if she can use his phone to wish her family back in St. Louis a happy new year.

"Well," starts the bartender, "the rates are pretty high on New Year's. You'll have to leave me a couple of bucks."

"Oh, darn!" she replies, "I don't have a dime! What am I gonna do? This is my first holiday without my family." The bartender gives it about 2 seconds thought and comes back with a proposal.

"Why don't you just come back here behind the bar... I'm sure we can work out a way for you to speak with them."

Eagerly, the blonde runs behind the bar just as the bartender starts to unzip his fly and pull out his penis. "Okay, honey," he says as he gestures towards his growing organ, "just put your mouth up to this!"

Desperately wanting to do as he says, the girl kneels down and does what she's told.

She brings her mouth up to his crotch and quizzically goes "Hello, Mom?"
#joke #blonde #newyear
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 16 February 2009
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

5 Blondes celebrate

Five blondes go into a bar and one of them says to the bartender, "A round of drinks for me and my friends."

They get their drinks and the raise their glasses to a toast of, "To 51 days!" and they drink.

The "head blonde" asks the bartender to set them up again.

Again, the blondes toast "To 51 days!" and they drink. After they order a third round, the bartender says that he has to ask what the toast means.

The head blonde says, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. On the box it said, "two to four years" and we finished it in 51 days".

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 17 January 2010
  • Currently 7.83/10

Rating: 7.8/10 (42)

Hymns for All Professions

Dentist's Hymn: Crown Him with Many Crowns
Weatherman's Hymn: There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
Contractor's Hymn: The Church's One Foundation
Tailor's Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy
Golfer's Hymn: There's a Green Hill Far Away
Politician's Hymn: Standing on the PromisesOptometrist's Hymn: Open My Eyes That I Might See
IRS Agent's Hymn: I Surrender All
Gossip's Hymn: Pass It On
Electrician's Hymn: Send The Light
Shopper's Hymn: Sweet By and By
Realtor's Hymn: I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
Massage Therapist's Hymn: He Touched Me
Doctor's Hymn: The Great Physician

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 17 January 2010
  • Currently 4.19/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (27)

Catsup

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone.

"It's the minister, Mommy" the child said to her mother.

Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 17 January 2010
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (27)

This guy was on the side of th...

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was roiling and no car went by.

The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door - and only then realized that there's nobody behind the wheel!

The car starts very slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life.

He hasn't come out of shock when, just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears thru the window and moves the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are approaching a curve.

The guy, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs all the way to the nearest town. Wet and in shock he goes into a cantina, asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked in the same cantina and one said to the other, "Look, Pepe, that's the asshole that got in the car while we were pushing it!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 17 January 2010
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (13)

A paperboy said to a customer one day...

A paperboy said to a customer one day, "Mr. Smith, I wish I had twenty customers like you."
"Gosh, that's nice to hear," said Smith, "but I'm kind of surprised considering I never tip all that well and always pay late."
The paperboy said, "I know, but I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is I have one hundred and forty!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 17 January 2009
  • Currently 3.55/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (11)

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