Jokes of the day for Monday, 05 March 2012

Hilarious jokes-Red faced judge

A farm boy accidentally overtu...

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.
The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."

Chuck Norris doesn't shower; h...

Chuck Norris doesn't shower; he only takes blood baths.

Motto of a transsexual hooker ...

Motto of a transsexual hooker - “If you build tit, they will come.“

A farm boy accidentally overtu...

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."

While out golfing with his wif...

While out golfing with his wife a man slices his drive hard to the right. It lands so that there is a large barn between him and the green.

After much contemplation as to how to play the shot his wife suggests that they open the doors on both ends of the barn and then he can shoot straight through the barn.

He agrees and takes his shot. He misses the doorway and the ball bounces back hitting his wife in the head and killing her.

Several years later the man is back playing the same course with a buddy and makes exactly the same shot.

His bubby also suggests that he open the barn doors and shoot through.

The man says to his buddy, "No, last time a tried that shot I ended up with a double bogey on this hole!"

Pizza!

One night after prom a guy took a girl on a dead end road and she was like where are we at? The guy replied this is where guys and girls go to have sex after prom! She was like ol ok! The guy was then like do you wanna have sex and the girl replied no and the guy was like why not?!?! The girl was like because im on my period. The guy said ok well then can i eat you out and the again replied no im on my period. So they sat there for awhile and the guy was finally like well then can i finger you and she replied ok. Then not to long after that a cop pulled up and came up and knocked on the window of the car. So the guy rolls down the window and says is there a problem officer? The officer was like no but what are you kids doin and the boy replied while licking his fingers eatin pizza.

Bill Burr: What Cubicles Say

You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, like, You know what? We dont think youre smart enough for an office, but we dont want you to look at anybody.

Popular Sayings, modified by the Internet

- Home is where you hang your @

- The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

- A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

- You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

- Great groups from little icons grow.

- Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

- C: is the root of all directories.

- Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

- Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

- The modem is the message.

- Too many clicks spoil the browse.

- The geek shall inherit the earth.

- A chat has nine lives.

- Don't byte off more than you can view.

- Fax is stranger than fiction.

- What boots up must come down.

- Windows will never cease.

- In Gates we trust.

- Virtual reality is its own reward.

- Modulation in all things.

- A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

- Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

- There's no place like http://www.home.com

- Know what to expect before you connect.

- Oh, what a tangled Web site we weave when first we practice.

- Speed thrills.

Improvements in Hell

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

A sweet little boy surprised h...

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and he was so proud. Anxiously, he waited to hear the verdict. The grandmother in all her life had never had such a bad cup of coffee. As she forced down the last sip, his grandmother noticed three of those little green army guys were in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three of your little army men be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV. 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup'."

The Lumberyard

Have you heard about the guys who drove their pickup truck into a lumberyard? One of them walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

"You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" the clerk said.

"Let me go check," replied the man, and he went back to the truck.

"Yeah, I meant two-by-fours," he said, returning a few moments later.

"Alright. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute to think and then finally said, "I'd better go check."

After awhile he returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're building a house."

Jon Lajoie: Mysteries of the Universe

I have this thing that I do called Mysteries of the Universe, when I gaze up at the countless stars and infinite galaxies. I realize how small and insignificant my girlfriend is. So, I get drunk and cheat on her with my 18-year-old neighbor.

I Dare You

At a church meeting, a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Christian faith.
"I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and I had to either give it all to God's work or give nothing at all. So at that moment, I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today."
When he finished and moved toward his seat, there was an awed silence As he sat down, a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him, "I dare you to do it again."

Pope has email

The Vatican has unveiled a email address for the new Pope.

In related news, the Pope has received a confidential financial offer from the President of Nigeria.

Make Life Simpler Tips

Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler

1. Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
   
2. Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
   
3. Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
   
4. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
   
5. No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
   
6. Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
   
7. If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
   
8. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
   

Chuck Norris, Arnold Swartzena...

Chuck Norris, Arnold Swartzenagger, and Jean Claud VanDam, were talking one day. Chuck Norris asked, "If you were a musician, who would you be?".
Chuck Norris said, "I would be Motzart."
Jean Claud VanDam said, "I would be Bethoven."
Arnold then said, "I'll be Bach!"