Jokes of the day for Friday, 09 March 2012
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 09 March 2012 |
Really funny jokes-Too fast
The organ-grinder at once recognized Wagner, tipped his hat, and said, "Oh thank you, Herr Wagner! Thank you, Herr Wagner!"
The next day Wagner returned to the same spot and found the organ-grinder grinding out the overture at the correct tempo. Behind him was a big sign: "PUPIL OF RICHARD WAGNER."
A male frog went to a psychic....
A male frog went to a psychic.The psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog becomes excited, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says the psychic, "in her biology class."
A male frog goes to a psychic...
A male frog goes to a psychic. The psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."The frog becomes excited, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says the psychic, "in her biology class."
Superman
This guy walks into a bar. It was on the second floor.He sits down and another guy walks up to him. He was dead drunk.
He said, "I betcha I can jump out that thar winder and come right back up."
The other guy said, "Yeah right." Well, the guy jumped out the window.
"Oh my god, he actually did it," said the other guy. The drunk guy seemed to float right back up to the top.
"How did you do that?"
"Well, the air currents hitting the building slowly pushed me back up to the top, you wanna try it?"
"Alright, get out of the way!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" SPLAT
The drunk guy walked and sat down at the bar. The bartender said, "Damn it Superman, you're mean when you're drunk!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Natasha Leggero: Boston Blackout
This girl comes up to me with this thick Boston accent and shes like, Hey, youve seriously never woke up at a party and some guy was inside you? I never woke up at a party. Dumber Child
There were these two professors arguing over which one had the dumber child. Each professor thought his was the bigger idiot. The first professor yells “There is no way that your son is dumber. My son has to be THE stupidest kid on Earth.”The second professor says “No way, Jose. My son is the bigger idiot.”
The first professor says “Let me prove it to you. Hey Jake! (Jake runs to his father) I don't know if I left myself at the office or not. Would you run there and find out. If I'm there then tell me to come home and eat dinner.”
The son says, gleefully, “Sure dad” and runs off.
The second professor not to be outdone says “Oh Yea! Watch this! Hey Sam! Come here! (Sam runs to his father) Here are two pennies. With one penny buy a car and the other buy a microwave.”
Sam says “OK.” and leaves. The professors keep arguing.
Jay and Sam meet in the street. And they start arguing which one has the dumber father. Jay says, “Well listen. My father told me to find out if he is at the office or not. Well all he had to do was to call the office and find out himself. Two minutes and he would be done. That is stupid if I've ever heard it.”
Sam says “Well that is nothing. My dad told me to buy a car with one penny and a microwave with the other. But he didn't tell me which penny was for the car and which one is for the microwave.”
Chuck Norris can judge a book ...
Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.I walked in to our house to fi...
I walked in to our house to find my wife and children all standing at the front door talking to a middle-aged woman."Hello, all," I announced.
My kids ran to me and told me the lady was from 'Sesame something'.
"The census bureau?" I asked.
"Yeah! How did you know?" they shouted excitedly.
"I know EVERYTHING!" I said not divulging that I had read about the door to door visits in the paper.
So we all walked up to the lady, and I told her that these children were from Cuba and that she should take them away. "Maybe they can get jobs picking sugar cane?" I asked.
My kids laughed, the lady just looked at me and my wife hit me.
"Um, for 'race'" I continued, "you can put us down as 'Black Irish'."
My kids laughed, the census taker didn't, my wife hit me.
"OK," I said, "strike two and I'm out. I'm gonna go take a dump."
My kids laughed, the census taker laughed, my wife hit me.
A funeral service is being hel...
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket to find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking the husband cries out,
"WATCH OUT FOR THE WALL"
Genesis rewritten....
In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.
And the devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."
And God said, "Let Us make man in Our image, after Our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created man in His own image; male and female created He them.
And God looked upon man and woman and saw that they were lean and fit. And the devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so man and woman would live long and healthy lives.
And the devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger.
And the devil said to man: "You want fries with that?" And man said, "Supersize them." And man gained five pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And the devil brought forth chocolate. And woman gained five pounds.
And God said, "Try My crispy fresh salad."
And the devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And the devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof. And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And the devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And the devil created sour cream dip. And man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the devil saw and said, "It is good."
And man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And the devil canceled man's health insurance.
Then God showed woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice. And God created the life-giving tofu. And woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked man, "Do I look fat?"
And the devil said, "Always tell the truth."
And man did. And woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor. And woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food.
And God brought forth Weight Watchers. It didn't help.
And God created exercise machines with easy payments. And man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit. And in the fullness of time, woman received the exercise machine from man in the property settlement.
It didn't help her, either.
Our Favorite Lightbulb Jokes
HOW MANY ZEN BUDDHISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Three. One to change the lightbulb, one NOT to change the lightbulb, and one to neither change nor not change the lightbulb.
HOW MANY EPISCOPALIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.
HOW MANY UNITARIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: The Unitarians wish to issue the following statement:
"We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a lightbulb; however, if in your own journey you have found that lightbulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your lightbulb, and present it next month at our annual lightbulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of lightbulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."
HOW MANY PENTECOSTALS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
up, comedians, funny videos, d...
up, comedians, funny videos, dane cook, mike birbiglia, eugene mirman, demetri martin, jeff dunham, katt williams, daily joke, joke of the day, funny jokes, yo mama, jokes, redneck, blond, george bush, bush, lawyer, favorite, list, animal, college, dumbAn Antartian named Babbette fi...
An Antartian named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Babbette again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck.
Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
Jesus and St Paul are in heave...
Jesus and St Paul are in heaven talking about the pollution inthe seas and rvers of the earth. The Holy Son Says he is going
down to view the situation himself 7 Paul agrees to join
him.When they get there, Jesus discovers a huge metal pipe. Paul
explains to him that it taks the waste out to sea where it kills
the sealife. Jesus then walks out to sea on top of the waves
where Paul follows underneath the surface. He keeps walking on
in amazement of jesus skill to be able to walk on water but
finally asks for some help.
"Master, I will follow you anywhere but im am up to my neck in
freezing cold shitty water and i think im going to drown.
Jesus looks at paul and says "Why don't you walk on the pipe
like me then you stupid twat?"
