Jokes of the day for Saturday, 17 March 2012

Hilarious jokes-Marriage counselor

Q. Why did the kid eat h...

Q. Why did the kid eat his homework?


A. His teacher said it was a piece of cake.

Japanese camping tradition: ca...

Japanese camping tradition: campfires and  Sumo'whores bars.

Yesterday scientists revealed ...

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn’t drive.
No further testing is planned.

Great hearing

Duane rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he is there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Duane smiles at the young lady and she strikes up a conversation with him.

As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on underneath. Poor Duane breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says,

'Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming...'

He goes with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him,

'What would you say is my best feature?'

The flustered, embarrassed Duane stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out,

'Oh, it's got to be your ears!'

She's astounded.

'Why my ears? Look at these breasts!

They are full, don't sag, and they're 100 percent natural. My buns - they are firm and do not sag, and have no cellulite. Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars. Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?'

Clearing his throat once again, Duane stammers,

'Outside when you said you heard someone coming? That was me.'

Letter to Company

After trying a new shampoo for the first time, a guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.

Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items.

“Well, what do you think?” his wife asked smiling.

“Next time,” he replied. “I'm writing to General Motors!”

Brendon Walsh: WMD Penis

My last girlfriend used to call my penis what I thought was a big, powerful, scary nickname. She was calling it a weapon of mass destruction. Sounded cool, but then I found out she was calling it that because she thought my penis was really hard to find.

Chuck Norris doesn't stub his ...

Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

Knock, Knock at the Convent

Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry cleaning business next door to the convent?
He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

An enterprising, but bashful s...

An enterprising, but bashful sailor finds himself on shore leave in Korea for his first time. While the rest of the guys are out having a jolly good time in the red light district of Pusan, our hero just can't get up the nerve to ask the local girls how much it costs for a good time.

He sits at his table for a moment watching the girls, and devises a get laid plan.

One of the local girls approaches him and asks, "Wat is you name?"

He replies, "Rick Venus"

She says, "Lick Penus?"

He says, "Sure how much?"

What does the starship enterpr...

What does the starship enterprise and tiolet paper have in common?
They both circle around uranus and wipe out klingons.

Two men were fishing...

Two men were fishing. They found a bottle floating on the water, retrieved it, rubbed it, and a genie popped out.

"I'll grant each of you one wish," said the genie.

The first man wished for a new fishing boat, all decked out, complete with outboard, the whole nine yards. Poof! New boat!

The second man wished for the lake to be turned into beer. Poof! The lake is now made of beer.

"You dummy!" exclaimed the first man. "Now we'll have to pee in the boat!"

Greg Giraldo: On Catholicism

We have a whole religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story.

Hymns By Word Association

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out, "Cross!" Immediately the congregation started singing, in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross."
The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound..."
The pastor said, "Power." The congregation sang "There Is Power in the Blood." The Pastor said, "Sex." The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock.
They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."

After making love, the woman s...

After making love, the woman said the man, "So, you're a doctor?"
"That's right," replied the doctor smugly. "Betcha don't know what kind of doctor."
"Ummm...I'd say that you're an anesthesiologist."
"Yep, that's right! Good guess! How did you know?" asked the guy.
"Because throughout the entire procedure, I didn't feel a thing.

A small boy is sent to bed by ...

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
Da-ad..." "What?"
I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."
WHAT?"
I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later...
Daaaa-aaaad..."
WHAT??!!"
When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

An elderly man was walking thr...

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!" and continued to watch, remembering good times.

Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman - she is dead!" and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief. He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, "Jean...Jean zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."

The police chief smiled and said, "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay."

"Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor.

"Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex "

To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural."

Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in the car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.

He got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British"