Jokes of the day for Saturday, 12 May 2012

One line jokes-Old ladies

“How long have you been workin...

“How long have you been working here?” one employee asked to another.

“Ever since the boss threatened to fire me.”

Do You Know Your Judgment Day?

Fellow 1 : “Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that, too.”

Fellow 2 : “Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?”

Fellow 1 : “A judge told him.”

Bjork sings in Iceland...

Bjork sings in Icelandic pentameter?

An elderly couple stood before...

An elderly couple stood before the family court judge after a long divorce trial. The judge asked why they wanted a divorce after having been married for nearly 70 years. They answered:" We wanted to wait, till after the kids had died".

tricycle

How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde?

It is the one with the kickstand.

Todd Barry: Book Lights

They sell book lights now, a little spotlight you attach to your book. You know, I actually thought about buying one of these, and then I remembered, I own a lamp.

Chuck Norris can stop mid-snee...

Chuck Norris can stop mid-sneeze...with his eyes open.

Nursery school teacher says to...

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"

Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."

Buy your grade...

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

Undercover Clergy

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

The Great Wall of China was or...

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

Admit That You Did That

An old Indian lined up all of his 10 little Indian sons and stood in front of them.
He then asked, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"
Nobody answered him.
He then asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"
Again nobody answered.
The old Indian said, "I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish." So the Indian asked again,
"Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"
To which the littlest Indian replied, "I push port-a-potty over cliff."
The old Indian then shakes and spanks him, for his punishment. When he is done, the little Indian asks, "Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish, father?"
The old Indian replied, "Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped down!!!"

Overboard

The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.

The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, “Can you float alone?”

“Obviously,” the banker replied, “but this is a heck of a time to talk business.”

Who Gets the Collection Money?

A priest, rabbi and televangelist were playing their usual

Wednesday round of golf, and started discussing their weekly

collections. Specifically, they started to compare how they

decided what portion of the collection to keep for themselves

and what portion to give to God.

The rabbi explains: "I draw a circle around myself and toss

the money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle I keep

for myself. Whatever lands outside the circle, I give to

God."

The priest then adds: "I use a similar method, except that

whatever lands in the circle I give to God, and whatever

lands outside the circle I keep for my personal needs."

The televangelist then proclaims: "I also use the same

method. Except, that I toss the money in the air and I

figure that whatever God wants, he can take."

Dead Atheist

Q: What do you call a dead atheist?
A: Someone all dressed up with nowhere to go!
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member sharohio