Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 30 May 2012
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 30 May 2012 |
Ligh bulb jokes-How many Doctors?
That depends on whether it has health insurance.
None. They just tell it to take two aspirin and come round to the surgery later.
None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.
Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Canine Complex
A man walked into the office of an eminent psychiatrist and sat down to explain his problem.“Doctor, doctor! I've got this problem,” the man said. “I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!”
“A common canine complex,” said the doctor soothingly. “Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch.”
“Oh no, Doctor,” the man said nervously, “I'm not allowed up on the furniture.”
Cosmonauts re...
Cosmonauts require massage.Lunatics
Three lunatics...
LunaticsThree lunatics approach their Asylum doctor with a request for a weekend pass to the local city. "That's impossible says the doctor. You're all nuts. You'll get lost and never come back." But, the lunatics wouldn't relent until finally, exasperated, the doctor says "OK! If you can answer a simple question I'll sign the pass." He turns to the first lunatic and says "What's three times three?" The lunatic starts counting on his fingers "3, 7, 19, 38?. Is it 128?" The doctor shakes his head and turns to the next lunatic: "What's three times three?" The lunatic immediately shouts "WEDNESDAY!" The doctor, beginning to get disgusted turns to the last lunatic: What's three times three?" The lunatic thinks for a moment and then asks for a pencil and a piece of paper. That provided, she writes for some time furiously, and finally looks up and says "Nine." The doctor is amazed, but true to his word he begins filling out the pass. As he's writing he says "This is incredible, you've always been thoroughly insane. How'd you do it?" The lunatic responds, "Oh, it was easy I divided 128 by Wednesday!"
my dad
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?"
asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?"
asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?"
asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
John Caparulo: Yard Sales on Memorial Day
Every year back in Ohio, we would have yard sales on Memorial Day weekend, so its like Mardi Gras for white trash. Weeping Willows are a result o...
Weeping Willows are a result of Chuck Norris yelling at trees for not being tough enough.A sweet little boy surprised h...
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and he was so proud. Anxiously, he waited to hear the verdict. The grandmother in all her life had never had such a bad cup of coffee. As she forced down the last sip, his grandmother noticed three of those little green army guys were in the bottom of the cup. She asked, "Honey, why would three of your little army men be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV. 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup'."
Socks...
A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a problem they had never told anyone else about. The man approached his father one day before the wedding and told him about his problem. His feet REALLY stunk, even if he washed them constantly, he was worried that this would scare off his new bride, so he needed a solution, fast. His father pondered the situation and finally told his son to wear socks constantly (even to bed) and always wash his feet whenever he got a chance. The son thought about this and went along happy.
The same day the young lady approached her mother and told her about her problem. Her morning breath was horrid. Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath. The young woman told her mother that this was not normal morning breath but easily the worst in the world. The mother thinks about this and comes up with this bright idea. She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else and don't say a thing, go make breakfast and then brush her teeth while the others are eating. The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the wedding, happy.
The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her with her morning silences. One morning about 5:30 am the young man wakes up to find one sock missing. He starts rustling around in the bed looking for it, which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what's wrong.
With a look of shock on his face the young man says, "OH MY GOD! You've swallowed my sock!"
Chuck Norris feels that brass ...
Chuck Norris feels that brass knuckles should be allowed in the fight to cure diabetes.
Church Every Sunday?
Son: "Dad, did you go to Church when you were little?" Dad: "Yes son, every single Sunday."
Son: "I thought so. Bet it won't do me any good either."
An American and a Japanese wer...
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA Whenthe American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?"
The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you
mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"
Again, the Japanese was confused over he question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you
.... Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......??? "
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What kind Of
'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of -kee'am
I?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"
LESSON III: "NEVER INSULT ANYONE"
In the middle of the night
Husband: I won't be able to sleep after wards.Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: Booooooo ..!(Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it.
Husband: There. Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
