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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 29 September 2012

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 29 September 2012

Short funny jokes-Scared of water

Donald: It's strange to find my wife so scared of water.

Tony: How do you find out?

Donald: I reached home early from work yesterday and found her in the bath tub with the security guard!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (2)

A man taunted Chuck Norris by ...

A man taunted Chuck Norris by holding a bag of Lays potato chips in front of him and saying "Betcha can't just one!" Chuck Norris subsequently ate the chips, the bag, and the man whole.
#joke #short #chuck-norris #food #potato
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

After the christening of his b...

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all
the way home in the back seat of the car, his father asked him three
times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he
wanted us brought up in a Christian home and I wanted to stay with you
guys."
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.75/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (4)

Funny Photo of the day - Quiz who is pregnant?

Quiz who is pregnant? - And who likes beer? | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.11/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (9)

If Only...

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

If Jack married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

#joke #animal #cat #beaver
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (3)

Luckiest Guy

Paul and Simon are talking about their respective weekends when the subject of picking up ladies pops up.

"I must say I'm doing fine in that department," says Paul.

"This weekend I hooked up with that Jenny Harris girl."

"Jenny Harris!" Simon exclaims, "What happened?"

"Let's just say I got lucky."

"I've heard about Jenny," Simon says, "and I wouldn't call it 'lucky.'"

"I would," Paul says.

"In that case," Simon replies, "you're the luckiest guy with herpes I know."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.75/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (8)

Bar Analogies

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.

One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."

The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"

She frowned and said, "The postman."

"Why the postman?"

Bar_Shots_011

"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

#joke #drinks #whiskey
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (4)

A vertically challenged psychi...

A vertically challenged psychic was arrested one day. He escaped from jail and the newspaper headline read, "SMALL MEDIUM AT-LARGE."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 5.17/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (6)

Family Bible

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

“Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

With astonishment in the his voice, he answered, “It's Adam's Suit!”

#joke #mother
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 4.90/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (41)

Patton Oswalt: Romantic Comedies

Every romantic comedy should just be called, Trying to F**k.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 23 May 2012
  • Currently 3.98/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (54)

Recently a teacher, a garbage ...

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 02 December 2009
  • Currently 6.20/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (85)

A Rare Book

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" Gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!""You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!"
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 11 March 2009
  • Currently 4.91/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (53)

National Geographic

Ole and Lena are 69-ing when Ole says, "Lena, did you know there are 117,000 musk ox in Alaska?"

Lena says, "No, I didn't."

Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are 482,000 grizzly bears living in Alaska?"

Lena says, "No, I didn't. Gee, you're smart."

Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are more than 2 million caribou living in Alaska?"

"No," says Lena, wondering how this conversation came about in the middle of their sex play.

"How did you get so smart?"

Ole says, "Remember last night when we ran out of toilet paper and had to use the pages out of magazines?"

"Yes, I remember," says Lena.

"Well, you still have page 63 of National Geographic stuck to your ass."

#joke #animal #bear
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 September 2011
  • Currently 4.69/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (55)

Buckwheat

Buckwheat of the Little Rascals fame grew up, became a Muslim, and changed his name. He now goes by Kareem of Wheat.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 29 September 2009
  • Currently 5.28/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (50)

Daniel Tosh: Only One Tattoo

I think if youre gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, Im dumb. Thats it. That way in 10 years, when you go, Why did I get this?, you can be like, Oh, Im dumb!
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 29 September 2010
  • Currently 6.05/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (42)

Jimmy Dore: Growing Up in a Big Family

They go, Well, you learn a lot about life growing up in a big family, dont you? Yeah, I learned that Im replaceable.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 September 2011
  • Currently 5.63/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (30)

Chuck Norris knows 47 ways to ...

Chuck Norris knows 47 ways to decapitate a man with only a slice of pecan pie.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 September 2011
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (14)

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