Jokes of the day for Friday, 19 October 2012
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 19 October 2012 |
Good jokes-The borrowing neighbour
"Peter won't get away with it this time," muttered Paul to Liz, his wife, "Watch this."
"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your hedge trimmer this morning?" asked Paul the neighbour.
"Crikey, I'm terribly sorry," said Paul with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."
"In that case," smiled Peter, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?
Stupid.....But funny...
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Stupid.....But funny...Subject: Funnies
Things to make you stop and think
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people
can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large
fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain
the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
thedriveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.
Why Karaoke is better than sex...
- With Karaoke, you're always sure you can find someone worse than you are.- You don't feel obligated to buy someone dinner for singing Karaoke with you.
- When you sing Karaoke, it's OK to have multiple partners.
- It's OK to sing Karaoke with your sister.
- With Karaoke, you never have to be sorry about forgetting your lines.
- It's OK to drink too much and sing Karaoke.
- With Karaoke, no one will complain about the size of your microphone.
- It's OK to sing Karaoke in front of your neighbors.
- You'll never feel uncomfortable knowing your parents still sing Karaoke.
- No one complains about a 3-minute Karaoke performance.
Reward
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping.
It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented: "Hmmm... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are 20 $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied: "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
Joke of the Day, posted everyday on getfrank.co.nz - Click to see the past weeks worth right here...
Who takes care of the farm ...
Q. Who takes care of the farm when the farmer is sick? A. The pharmacist!
Family Bible
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. “Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.
“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.
With astonishment in the his voice, he answered, “It's Adam's Suit!”
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he...
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.A college student picked up hi...
A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."
Kissing a Nun
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see if you qualify. #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a costume party."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member socaliflady
Afraid of the Dark
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
Good news...bad news...
"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client.
"First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's dress."
"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"
Jim Gaffigan: The Book vs. the Movie
You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? Theyre always so condescending. Ah, the book was much better than the movie. Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading. Answering Machine Message 43
Militaristic mechanical voice: FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW. THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES.
Kevin Hart: When You Lost a Fight to Your Woman
One time, she got me so mad, we got into a fist fight. You know how you know when you lost a fight to your woman? When the cops come to your house and ask you do you want to press charges. Thats how you know it didnt go as you planned. 
