Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 07 November 2012
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 07 November 2012 |
Half-Fare Special
One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.
Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
Really funny jokes-Desperately seeking Roses
The shopkeeper, pointing at me, replied to him that the last bunch of roses was already sold. Looking at me, this guy pleaded desperately, "Can you PLEASE give me those roses?"
I asked the man, "What's wrong? Did you forget your Wedding Anniversary?"
"Even worse", he admitted", "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"
The Car Wash
A church choir was putting on a car wash to raise money for a special trip to Bethlehem.
They made a large sign that read: CAR WASH FOR CHOIR TRIP. On the scheduled Saturday, business was very good. But, by two o'clock the sky clouded, the rain poured, and there were hardly any customers.Finally, one of the soprano singers had an idea. She printed a very large poster with the words: WE WASH. GOD RINSES. (Next to the words was an arrow pointing skyward.)
Business boomed!
How To Annoy Your Co-Workers...
1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you.
3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. 'That's a good point, Sparky.' 'No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha.'
4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'
5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.
6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive. Call everyone Madge.
7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee, a printout, or whatever, slap yourself at random the whole way.
8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it 'IN'.
13) Develope an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza, donuts, or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach, and say, 'Oh you've got to be faster than that.'
15) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
Deadly Curfew
A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast Everybody had to be offthe streets or risk being shot. However one citizen was shot
at 9.45pm.
"Why did you do that?" the soldier was asked by his superior
officer.
"I know where he lives," he replied, "and he wouldn't have
made it."
Family Bible
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. “Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.
“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.
With astonishment in the his voice, he answered, “It's Adam's Suit!”
Chuck Norris is the reason why...
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.The Perfect Man
The ...
The Perfect Man The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel and never mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man loves children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
And a good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his love to you.
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
and kisses away your pain.
He will never make you cry
or batter you in any way
To hell with this stupid poem
The perfect man is gay.
A young boy had just gotten hi...
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study & said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little & get your hair cut, & we'll talk about it."After about a month, the boy came back & again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment & replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, & even Jesus had long hair ..." To which his father replied, "Yes, & they WALKED every where they went too!"
Tom Shillue: Pose for a Painting
When I meet a girl, I ask her to pose nude for a painting Im doing because thats a very good way to get her to sleep with me. Ed Helms: Watching the New York City Marathon
I went and watched the New York City Marathon. It goes right by my apartment in Brooklyn, and I went with a group of friends. And all my friends are cheering for the runners; theyre like, Whoo! Good job! Way to go! Keep it up, youre lookin good! Great job! I was like, You dont have to do that! Thats unnecessary! You know what? Ive got a bike, you can take it. Better yet, come inside -- Ive got air conditioning; my roommate made some guacamole, its awesome; we rented Meatballs. Blonde Horse Sense
A blonde buys two horses and she can't tell them apart. So she asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off. So she does. But then the other horse's tail gets caught in a bush and rips off. So she can't tell them apart again.She asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells her to cut one of the horses ears. So she does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence.
She is still confused. She asks the farmer what to do. He tells her to measure them.
She comes back and says, "The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!"
Cuckoo Clock
At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping mywife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.
The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."
She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three
times, said 'Crap!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."
14 new blonde jokes
1.Two blondes walk into a bar…
You would have thought one of them would have seen it.
2. Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
She was desperately trying to make up her mind.
3. Why was the blonde's belly button sore?
Her boyfriend was blonde too.
4. Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
She burnt her lips on the exhaust pipe.
5. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin out and throw it back!
6. What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like hell; she's got a grenade in her teeth!
7. Blonde: "Do you have any children?"
Colleague: "Yes, I have one that's just under two."
Blonde: "I might be blonde, but I know how to count."
8. Why did the blonde get fired from her job packaging M&Ms?
She kept throwing out all the ‘Ws'.
9. I found my blonde girlfriend painting the spare bedroom, wearing my coat and hers.
She was sweating buckets.
When I asked her why, she said it was because the can said "best results with two coats"!
10. What's blonde and dead in a closet?
The hide-and-seek champion from 1995.
11. What do you give a blonde who has everything?
Penicillin.
12. Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
Brunette: "I don't know."
Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"
13. Friend: Have you met my identical twin sister yet?
Blonde: No, what does she look like?
14. Why can't you tell a blonde a knock-knock joke?
Because they keep getting up to answer the door.
