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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 29 December 2012

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 29 December 2012

Hilarious jokes-Ways to tell someone their fly is open

Ways to tell someone their fly is open.
11. I can see the gun of Navarone.
10. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
9. You've got Windows on your laptop.
8. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
7. Your soldier aint so unknown now.
6. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
5. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
4. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
3. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)


Q: Why did the man fall ...


Q: Why did the man fall off the building?
A: He tripped.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

SLIDESHOW #58 - Funny Photo Slideshow

The accountant

An accountant got out of bed and complained that he had not slept a wink.

"Why didn't you count sheep?" his wife asked

"I did, that is what got me into trouble" the accountant replied "I made a mistake during the first hour, and it took me until this morning to correct it."

#joke #short
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Funny video of the day - Basketball Dunk off Car FAIL

Basketball Dunk off Car FAIL - How NOT to dunk over car - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (2)

your rights

Wear short sleeves: Support your right to bare arms!

#joke #short
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Funny Photo of the day - Winter game find your car!

Winter game find your car! - Lucky people will find their cars cleaned by unlucky ones | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

A skeleton walks into a bar...

A skeleton walks into a bar, and says, "Give me shot, and a mop."

#joke #short #walksintoabar
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.38/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (8)

Q:What goes up but never comes...

Q:What goes up but never comes down?

A:Your age!

#joke #short
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 6.33/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (3)

Birth control

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said: "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said: "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

scalpel

"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."

#joke #doctor
  • Currently 5.20/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (5)

Man-guage

A guide to man language

“I'M GOING FISHING” Means: “I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”

“IT'S A GUY THING” Means: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?” Means: “Why isn't dinner already on the table?”

“UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR…” Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN” Means: “I have no idea how it works.”

“I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.” Means: “I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.”

“TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD.” Means: “I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR.” Means: “Are you still talking?”

“YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.” Means: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”

“I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.” Means: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”

“OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.” Means: “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt.”

“HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING.” Means: “And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon.”

“I CAN'T FIND IT.” Means: “It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.”

“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?” Means: “What did you catch me at?”

“I HEARD YOU.” Means: “I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”

“YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE” Means: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”

“YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.” Means: “”Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.”

“I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.” Means: “No one will ever see us alive again.”

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 5.11/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (9)

Chuck Norris doesn't shower; h...

Chuck Norris doesn't shower; he only takes blood baths.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 05 March 2012
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (12)

Hymns for All Professions

Dentist's Hymn: Crown Him with Many Crowns
Weatherman's Hymn: There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
Contractor's Hymn: The Church's One Foundation
Tailor's Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy
Golfer's Hymn: There's a Green Hill Far Away
Politician's Hymn: Standing on the PromisesOptometrist's Hymn: Open My Eyes That I Might See
IRS Agent's Hymn: I Surrender All
Gossip's Hymn: Pass It On
Electrician's Hymn: Send The Light
Shopper's Hymn: Sweet By and By
Realtor's Hymn: I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
Massage Therapist's Hymn: He Touched Me
Doctor's Hymn: The Great Physician

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 17 January 2010
  • Currently 4.19/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (27)

The new minister's wife had a ...

The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family.The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it.
When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the congregation approved again.
Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the minister stood and shouted out,"Having children is an act of God!!"
An older man in the back stood and shouted back, "Rain and snow are acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 07 December 2009
  • Currently 6.03/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (65)

It seems a farm boy accide...

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Wilmer!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and have a bite with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you," Wilmer answered. "But I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on." the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Wilmer thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"

Wilmer replied, "Under the wagon."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 29 December 2009
  • Currently 6.81/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (67)

Whitney Cummings: Naked Photo Texts

I have girlfriends who will text message naked photos of themselves to their man. Which, I guess the whole point of that is, to be like, Heres whats waiting for you at home, big boy. If I was to do a heres whats waiting for you at home photo shoot, I would take some pictures of the frigging dishes, the bills right now. My vaginas not waiting for you at home at all.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 December 2011
  • Currently 4.30/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (63)

Chuck Norris originally appear...

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this "glitch," Chuck replied, "That's no glitch."
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 December 2011
  • Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (42)

Shut Up and Trouble were walki...

Shut Up and Trouble were walking down a path. Trouble got lost. So, Shut Up went to the police officer. The police officer asked, "What's your name?"
He answered, "Shut Up."
He asked again "What's your name?"
"Shut Up."
The police officer asked, "Are you looking for trouble?!"
"Yeah, I lost him down a path about two miles ago."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 December 2011
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (30)

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