Jokes of the day for Thursday, 21 March 2013
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 21 March 2013 |
In the words of Julius Caesar,...
In the words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face.Don't step on the ducks
Three men die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first man accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says: "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this woman."
The next day, the second man steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first man.
The third man has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps.
He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the hottest woman he has ever laid eyes on.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy man says: "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The hot girl says: "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
Economy jokes-Pessimistic women
Q: Why are Women more pessimistic about the economy than Men?A: Because men are in charge of the economy!
A male frog went to a psychic....
A male frog went to a psychic.The psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog becomes excited, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says the psychic, "in her biology class."
You Might Be A Redneck If 08
You might be a redneck if...
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
Birds are attracted to your beard.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Sleep Walking Nun
Question: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?Answer: A roamin' catholic.
Married couples, both 60 years...
Married couples, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one a wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof -- the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said, "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me." So the fairy picked up her wand and poof -- the husband was 90.Conversion Dilemma
A Jewish man goes and visits a Rabbi about a personal concern of his.
"Rabbi," he says, "I am so upset about my son, I don't know what to do. I raised him a good Jew, taught him the Torah, and instructed him about the Sabbath. Well, I just learned at this last Passover that he converted to Catholicism. Please tell me what I should do to reason with him!"The Rabbi answers: "Funny you should mention this. The exact same thing happened to my son. I taught him everything I know to make him follow in my footsteps and become a good Rabbi like me, and the next thing I know, he converted to Catholicism and became a Priest! I truly don't know what to tell you: maybe we should ask Yahweh for some insights."
To two men started praying: "Yahweh, G-d almighty, Creator of the Universe, please come to our rescue. Our firstborn sons have converted to Catholicism! What should we do?"
A thundering voice responds: "WELL, TELL ME ABOUT IT!!"
Little Angel?
Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
Johnny asked his mom, “Where’d he come from?â€
“He came from heaven, Johnny.â€
“Wow! I can see why they threw him out!â€
This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
Daniel Tosh: Millionaire Game Show
Id like a game show with millionaires on it, and they have to play with their own money, and they cant win money, they can only lose til one them goes complete broke, and the shows called Ha Ha, Now Youre Poor. Kyle Kinane: This Is America
This is America. It is my God given right to be loudly opinionated about something I am completely ignorant of. Quick clean jokes...
Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?A: K9P.
Q: What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
A: They're hiring.
Q: What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
A: 'Dam.'
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.
Q: What's a cat's favorite breakfast?
A: Mice Krispies.
Q: How does a lion like his steak?
A: Medium roar.
Q: What do frogs eat with their hamburgers?
A: French flies.
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q: How do you get a kleenex to dance?
A: Put a boogie in it!
Q: Did you hear about the man who lost his whole left side?
A: He's all-right now!
