Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 07 May 2013
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 07 May 2013 |
Hilarious jokes-Health warning
Large scale outbreak of Texanitus hits Saudi Arabia
During the last 30 years there have been occasional outbreaks of Texanitus, but this last one appears to have reached epidemic proportions. Consequently the Health Department consider it necessary to ease the panic that is sweeping the country by issuing this advice.
Texanitus can be divided into two forms:
Chronic
Chronic sufferers can sometimes be recognized by large hats that they wear to hide their enormously swollen heads. Likewise others wear large boots or belt buckles to compensate for their thin legs and distended stomachs. Other symptoms include shouts of YIPEEEE or GODAMIT, which just shows how painful this disease can be in the terminal stages.
WARNING :
Never corner chronic sufferers in a confined space and ask them questions, as most sufferers tend to spray bulls*hit in all directions. Whether this bullsh*t is contagious we not yet know, so take precautions.
As a safeguard we are giving anti Texanitus shots to anyone that wants one, so if you are worried go along to your nearest clinic and get one.
Yours truly
Mustaffa Phart
Aramco Surgeon General
“A plastic surgeon wh...
“A plastic surgeon who specializes in breast implants is a front end manager.”
The pickle slicer
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for many years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did," he replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?" she asked.
"I got fired," he replied.
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" she demanded.
"Oh... she got fired too."
For all of you with teenagers ...
For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
4. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
5. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
The runner....
Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!"
Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there."
Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"
So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.
One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"
Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."
Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"
Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home."
Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."
Back from heaven
A Jew, a Greek and an Irishman were killed in a car accident.When they got to heaven, being young men, they asked Saint Peter if there was any way for them to come back to earth.
Saint Peter thought for a minute and then said, 'Well, if you each promise to give up one particular thing, I'll grant your request.'
All jumped at the chance. The Jew had to agree to never touch any money, the Irishman had to agree to never touch even a drop of alcohol and the Greek had to agree to never touch another man.
Later, the three of them are walking together down the street when they came to a bar.
The Irishman begins shaking all over. 'Oh boy, could I use a drink,' he says.
The other two try to talk him out of it but he goes into the bar anyway.
He returns with a beer and takes a sip. Suddenly, poof, he disappears.
The Jew and the Greek continue walking. At the next block the Jew spots a 5c piece on the footpath.
He begins shaking and unable to resist, he bends down to pick up the coin.
Suddenly, poof, the Greek disappears.
Knock-knock...
Knock-knock. Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes the police! Come out with your hands up!
Contrary to popular belief, th...
Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.Chuck Norris is not his full n...
Chuck Norris is not his full name, there's a silent "fist".A fellow bought a new Mercedes...
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him."What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
Really Good Deed
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"
"Er.. about two minutes ago."
An idiot was taking sky-diving...
An idiot was taking sky-diving lessons. The instructor explained that it was time for his first jump, and all he had to do was jump from the plane, count to six, and pull the rip cord. A truck would be waiting for him in the field where he would land.The man jumped from the plane when he was told to, and counted to six. When he pulled the rip cord, the parachute wouldn't open. He tried the reserve chute and that didn't open.
Frustrated, he muttered to himself as he fell, "I'll bet the damn truck won't be waiting for me either."
Sign on company bulleting boar...
Sign on company bulleting board: “This firm requires no physical-fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying of the handle, running down the boss, flogging dead horses, knifing friend in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck.”
