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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 09 May 2013

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 09 May 2013

Very funny jokes-First Twitter Date

Brad: That was a great show. So.. did you want to come up to my place and check out my TweetDeck?

Betty: ummm... I don't think so.

Brad: Well then how about my Twhirl pool?

Betty: Look.. you're a cute guy, but after seeing your Fail Whale this just isn't going to work!
#joke #short #animal #whale
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

“Tube tyres are not a...

“Tube tyres are not a patch on tubeless ones!”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 5.17/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (6)

Marriage Counseling

A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade listing each and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unloveable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their quarter century of marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth.
The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down;. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, Doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on the other days I play golf."

#joke #monday #sport #golf
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 7.54/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (13)

Funny Photo of the day - Just one way of buying sausages in Germany

Just one way of buying sausages in Germany - Don't worry about sun | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.33/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (6)

Just think, in a few million y...

Just think, in a few million years Barney will be motor oil
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (5)

New scientific study

Q: Have you heard about the new scientific study which discovered that a certain type of food decreases a woman's sex drive?

A: It's called wedding cake.

#joke #short #food #cake #wedding
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 4.20/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (5)

Shoulda Said

This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.

''Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?''

''Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your ass.''

''Okay,'' says the guy. He turns to his dog. ''Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on top of a house?''

''Roof!'' The man turns and smiles at the bartender.

''THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!''

''Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?''

''Ruff!"

''What the hell you tryin' to pull mister?''

''Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?''

"Ruth."

The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.

"Geez. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

#joke #walksintoabar #animal #dog
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 6.89/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (37)

Knock-knock...

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes the police! Come out with your hands up!
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 25 November 2012
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (28)

Chuck Norris has never been in...

Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 15 September 2011
  • Currently 3.20/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (15)

Viagra/Gore

What's the difference between Viagra and Al Gore.....Viagra

really works !

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 20 October 2009
  • Currently 3.92/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (62)

Odd Rabbi Out

"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a VERY big sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 20 July 2009
  • Currently 4.23/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (53)

Knock Knock Collection 126


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Max!
Max who?
Max no difference. Open the door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Maxine!
Maxine who?
Maxine the wave dude!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Maxwell!
Maxwell who?
Maxwell call later if your not going to answer!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
May!
May who?
Maybe its a friend at the door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Maya!
Maya who?
Maya best friend?

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 10 March 2009
  • Currently 4.10/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (10)

A guy gets on a plane and find...

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.
So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, " What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know,"says the guy.
"How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde.
"That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass.
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
#joke #blonde #animal #horse #cow #deer #food #muffin
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 09 May 2009
  • Currently 7.24/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (50)

Fig Leaf Found

A little boy opened the large old family Bible, and he looked with fascination at the ancient pages as he turned them one by one.
He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago."Momma, look what I found!" the boy called out.
"What do you have there?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

#joke #mother
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 09 May 2009
  • Currently 5.58/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (48)

Lost it!

A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex.

The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests.

The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, "I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."

The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the girl explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity."

Astounded, the guy replies, "So you really love me?"

"Oh God no!" the girl says. "I just got sick of waiting."

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 09 May 2012
  • Currently 5.54/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (46)

Phone sex

I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 09 May 2011
  • Currently 4.57/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (44)

Two men were out golfing. As o...

Two men were out golfing. As one was ready to take his shot, a funeral procession drove by the golf course. The man stopped what he was doing, put down his club, and took off his hat and placed it over his heart. His partner was moved by this and said, "That's the nicest thing I've even seen you do!" The man looked back at him and said, "Well, that's the least I could do after 20 years of marriage..."
#joke #sport #golf
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 09 May 2012
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (16)

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