Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 03 September 2013
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 03 September 2013 |
Two mothers-in-law
After the judge passed his sentence, he asked Danny, "Have you learnt your lesson and realized what a bad thing it is to have more than one wife."
"Yes, your honor, I have," he replied.
"What is it that you realized?" the judge asked.
Danny replied, "Having two wives means having two mothers-in-law, and that, in itself, should be grounds enough to support assisted suicide."
Barbershop
A young boy enters a barbershop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
Knock-knock.
Who's there?...
Knock-knock.Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes the police! Come out with your hands up!
Seeing-eye dog
There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
Deep Thoughts 17
Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions' and it you got a different 'impression' so what, can't we all be brothers?
Probably to a shark about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because where does he think he's going?!
Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.
It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "I did," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
Church Bulletin Bloopers
This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins andService
bloopers:
* Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".
* Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.
* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.
* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we
have a nursery downstairs.
* Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side
entrance.
* Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday
nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing
like crazy!
* The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the
birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius
Belzer.
* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and
North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both
ends.
* Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social.
All ladies giving milk will please come early.
* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come
forward and lay an egg on the altar.
* The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of
the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the
congregation will join in.
* Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray
the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something
on the carpet should come forward and do so.
* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every
kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
* Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to
follow.
* Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the
addition of several new members and to the deterioration
of some older ones.
* The senior choir invites any member of the congregation
who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
"What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
* During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare
privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied
our pulpit.
* The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his
audience.
* The church is glad to have with us today as our guest
minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with
him. After the service we request that all remain in the
sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
* The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The
congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
* The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and
11.
* Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church
secretary.
* Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in
preparing for the girth of their first child.
* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items
to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
A grasshopper walks into a bar...
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!'The grasshopper looks surprised and says, 'You have a drink named Steve?'
A mighty crack was heard aroun...
A mighty crack was heard around the world as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the supercontinent, Pangaea, beginning continental drift.Drawing God
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
Chuck Norris is currently suin...
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.Lynne Koplitz: Size Zero Roommate
She actually asked me for four grapes once. She counted grapes. What kind of mental patient counts grapes? Do you know anyone who does that? Thats the weirdest thing. I was like, Four grapes... To me grapes arent even a food. Theyre like a palate cleanser. Thats what I eat to get the Big Mac taste out of my mouth.
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Weddings and Babies
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
The Honeymooners are now having bile studies each Tuesday evening at 7:30 p.m.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
Thursday at 5:00 pm, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his private study.
(For the group of ladies called Moms Who Care and pray for the children in school). When their meeting was cancelled one week: "There will be no Moms who care this week."
- Joke shared on Beliefnet's Religious Humor page
Signs You Have a Han
1. You'd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint. 4. You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.
5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!" 8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"
