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Jokes of the day for Monday, 18 November 2013

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 18 November 2013

Trouble hearing....

A little old man starts having trouble hearing and goes to the doctor.....says. "Doc, I'm having problems hearing!"

Doctor says "Lets check this out." Looks into the man's ear with his flash light and says, "There's a foreign object in here." Takes his tweezers and pulls it out.......Doc says to the old man, "It's a suppository!!"

The old man takes a look, asks the Doc, "Can I use your phone?? Need to tell the wife that I know where I put that hearing aid!!"

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 4.43/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (7)

“Some doting parents ...

“Some doting parents are son worshipers.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 5.89/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (9)

Talking Baby

A baby was born with the ability to talk.
The first thing he said when he was born was, "Are you my mom?"
"Why, yes!" his mother said. "I am!"
"Well," the baby said, "I wanted to thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born." Then he looks around the room and says, "Are you my doctor?"
"Yes, I am!" says the doctor.
"Well, I just wanted to thank you," says the baby, "for taking such good care of me during the delivery."
"You're very welcome," says the doctor.
The baby looks around the room and says, "Hey, are you my father?"
Overcome with pride, his dad says, "Yes, I am!"

Baby's hand

The baby says, "Come here for a minute. I want to show you something. Bend down." The father complies, and the baby starts poking him in the forehead. "How does that feel?! Hurts, doesn't it?"

#joke #doctor #mother #mom #father
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 5.83/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (12)

Funny Photo of the day - The best place for barbecue

The best place for barbecue - One can never be too cautious when it comes to fire | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (12)

Kids jokes-Growing hair

While giving a bath to Neel, my 4-year-old son, I was applying shampoo to his hair and noticed how fast his hair was growing.

I mentioned this to him and told him he needed a haircut again.

Pondering over the problem, he came up with a solution and said, "Maybe we shouldn't water it so much."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (6)

German Currency

Q: What do you call counterfeited German currency?

A: Question marks.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (6)

Toilet Hygiene

Gary and Lorne were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Lorne's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.

"Wow," Gary said.

"I've never seen one like that before."

"Like what?"

Lorne said.

"All twisted like a corkscrew," Gary said.

"Well, what's yours like?"

Lorne said.

"Straight, like normal," Gary said.

"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Lorne said.

Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.

"What did you do that for?"

asked Lorne.

"Shaking off the excess drops," replied Gary.

"Like normal."

"Cripes," Lorne said.

"And all these years I've been wringing it."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 17 June 2013
  • Currently 4.91/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (11)

Ploughing The Land


A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 21 February 2013
  • Currently 5.85/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (40)

Bloopers from Sunday School Students

  • In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, the Lord got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
  • Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.
  • Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
  • Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

    #joke #short #fruit #apple #food #salt
  • Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 22 August 2012
    • Currently 3.38/10

    Rating: 3.4/10 (8)

    Chuck Norris doesn't worry abo...

    Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 10 June 2012
    • Currently 3.71/10

    Rating: 3.7/10 (17)

    Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michae...

    Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.r>r> This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. r>r> Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: r>r> "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
    #joke
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 November 2009
    • Currently 5.72/10

    Rating: 5.7/10 (65)

    Donald Glover: Crazy Men Stories

    Why dont women have crazy men stories? I dont really hear them. And then I realized, its because if you got a crazy boyfriend, youre going to die. Just something about men, the second they realize theyre crazy, its like, Time to kill everything I love.
    #joke #short
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 18 November 2011
    • Currently 3.62/10

    Rating: 3.6/10 (52)

    The End Is Near!

    A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car. One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
    All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"

    #joke #sport #fishing
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 November 2009
    • Currently 6.51/10

    Rating: 6.5/10 (49)

    First Thing to do after Jail

    Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.

    The only thing he said was, "F.F."

    His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."

    Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."

    She responded simply, "E.F."

    He repeated, "F.F."

    She again replied, "E.F."

    "Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"

    Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"

    #joke #mother #mom
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 18 November 2011
    • Currently 6.02/10

    Rating: 6.0/10 (43)

    Donald Glover: Gold Star Power

    When you get called the n-word, as a black person you can do anything. Its like getting a gold star in Super Mario Brothers and junk. I hear the music when I hear the n-word. I get right into it; I get really into it. You can do anything. You could be in a fancy restaurant -- just start throwing poop at the walls. People be like, What are you doing? Someone called him the n-word.
    #joke
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 18 November 2010
    • Currently 2.09/10

    Rating: 2.1/10 (44)

    Children Are Quick

    TEACHER: Why are you late?
    STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
    ____________________________________
    TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
    JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
    ____________________________________
    TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
    TEACHER: No, that's wrong
    GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
    (I Love this child)
    ____________________________________
    TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
    DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
    TEACHER: What are you talking about?
    DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
    ____________________________________
    TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
    WINNIE: Me!
    ____________________________________
    TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
    GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
    ____________________________________
    TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
    MILLIE: I is..
    TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
    MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
    ____________________________________
    TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
    LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
    ____________________________________
    TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
    SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
    ____________________________________
    TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
    CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

    (I want to adopt this kid!!!)
    ____________________________________
    TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
    HAROLD: A teacher

    #joke #animal #dog #crocodile #fruit #cherry #food #eating #mother #mom #father
    Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
    • Currently 4.00/10

    Rating: 4.0/10 (4)

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