Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 11 December 2013

Hilarious book titles

“Shakespeare had to g...

“Shakespeare had to get his act together to finish his play.”

Bob Hill and his new wife Bett...

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.

"Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

No worries...

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now, he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

North Dakota Crazy Law

It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.

It is legal to shoot an Indian on horseback, provided you are in a covered wagon

Beer and pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.

Fargo

One may be jailed for wearing a hat while dancing, or even for wearing a hat to a function where dancing is taking place.

#joke #drinks #beer

Redneck Meal

Q: How many rednecks does take to eat possum?

A: Three. One to eat it and two to look out for cars.

Dating

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

The only sure things are Death...

The only sure things are Death and Taxes...and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.

Christmas Eve Accident

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something related to or associated with Christmas.
The first man searches his pockets and finds mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a candy cane, so he is also allowed in.The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."

At NC State University, the...

At NC State University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry.

They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.

These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time. However, after all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Raleigh until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to return Sunday to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldnÂ’t get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: For 95 points: Which tire?

Matt Braunger: Dove Made of Rainbows

When a woman has an orgasm, its like a dove made of rainbows came into the room. Its awesome. Even other women are like, Aw, shes having a nice time; thats cool. When a guy has an orgasm, its like the devil himself tore off his own face and snakes are pouring out of his red skull. Like, no matter how smooth your love making technique as a man is, eventually, youre going to be Jerry Lewis getting electrocuted.

Brian Regan: Unilingual

Can you imagine being bilingual? Or even knowing anybody that was? Im not even unilingual. Actually, I shouldnt say that. I dont give myself enough credit. I know enough English to, you know, get by. I can order in restaurants and stuff.

The Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water".

Jonah's Fate

After hearing the story of Jonah at Sunday School, a little girl repeated the story at school on Monday.
Her teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.
The little girl said, "But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale."Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. "It is physically impossible!" she said.
Undaunted, the little girl said, "Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
To this, the teacher said, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then YOU ask him!"

Dolphin Smarts

Dolphins are so intelligent...
That within a few weeks of captivity, they can train a man to stand on the edge of their pool and throw to them fish three times a day.