Jokes of the day for Saturday, 01 March 2014
|Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 01 March 2014
No chances with Mother-in-law
Martin said without any hesitation to ship the dead body home. The undertaker was mighty impressed: “Well now, what can I say? You must love your ma-in-law dearly. You are prepared to throw five thousand to take her back home where as you could have done it much cheaper and that too, at a holy place like this. I am really moved.”
Martin: “It's not that. Ages ago a man died and was buried here. I heard that three days later he rose from the dead because of some miracle in this holy place. I certainly don't want to take that chance in this case.”
A quick drink...
A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, and make it quick!"
The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can.
The bartender remarks, "I've never seen anybody drink that fast!"
The cowboy replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have."
"What's that?" asks the bartender.
"Only fifty cents!"
Mean Things To Say To PeopleAny similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
Are your parents siblings?
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.
Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?
Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?
Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!
Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.
Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!
He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!
Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?
How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
I bet your mother has a loud bark!
I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?
I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.
I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!
I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!
If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.
There is no vaccine against stupidity.
“'I got lost in the s...
“'I got lost in the streets of Paris,' he said ruefully.”
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was sweet!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad,... you're drunk!"
Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer
10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
9. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
7. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
6. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
4. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
3. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
1. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
Heros?One day Bill Clinton was out jogging -- and accidentally
fell from a bridge into a very cold river.
Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident.
Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and
dragged the wet president out of
After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of
the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it,
I'll give it to you."
The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to
"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Clinton.
"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.
"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the
grateful defender of the Western Hemisphere.
"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the
"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not
"No -- but I will be when my father finds out whom I saved
When the porn star advertised ...When the porn star advertised a free orgy, she was unprepared for the onslot.
During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.
The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say....
"You see, it IS vanishing cream!"
Paul F. Tompkins: Had to Be ThereIf something is inherently funny, its relatable after the fact. Anyone who says, You had to be there, should just not have told you the thing in the first place because its not funny.
Waiter, I'd like some..."Waiter, I'd like some chicken. The younger the better."
"Good, I'll bring you an egg!"
A devoted wife had spent her l...A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asks gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."