Join us on WhatsApp
Join us on Viber

Jokes of the day for Saturday, 08 March 2014

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 08 March 2014

How things work at the Pearly Gates

An old man dies and goes to the Pearly Gates where he is greeted by St. Peter.

St. Peter says to the old man, "I'll explain the rules to you. You need 100 points to enter heaven. You can start telling me all the good deeds that you have done and I will allot you points. If you score a hundred, you will be given entry."

The old man begins, "I was happily married to the same woman for 63 years. I never as much as looked at another woman in my life. I loved my wife and took care of all her needs."

"That's good," says St. Peter. "I'll give you 3 points."

"Oh," says the man. "This is going to be tougher than I thought. Well, I was regular at church regularly, volunteered my time and prayed faithfully."

"Fine," says St. Peter, "That will be another 2 points."

"Just 2 points?" says the old man. "All right, I was also involved with a prison ministry for twenty years. I went into the prison, every month and shared prayers with them."

"Great!" says St. Peter. "Another 3 points for you!"

"Only three points!" says the man. "At the rate we are going, it will be only by the grace of God that I will ever get into this place."

"Bingo!" says St. Peter. "That's a hundred points! Come on in."
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 4.80/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (5)

Scripture?

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the burglar red-handed, and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38 (meaning, repent and be baptized...)!"

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman then calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the burglar, he asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "I thought she said she had an axe and two 38's!"

#joke
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

SLIDESHOW #63 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Business one-liners 25

Everybody should believe in something, I believe I'll have another beer.

Everybody's gotta be someplace.

Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime.

Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.

Everyone has a scheme that will not work.

Everyone hits a brick wall now and then; the trick is not to do it with your head.

Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean.

Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.

Everything in moderation, including moderation.

Everything is actually everything else, just recycled.

#joke #beer
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (5)

Wake up, Stand up

A woman wakes up one morning and open the blinds. Her husband, half-awake, says, "Close those blinds, those little boys over the road can see my naked body." The woman replies, "If those little boys saw your naked body, they'd close their blinds."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.71/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (7)

“When you purchase st...

“When you purchase stuff south of the border, you don't Peso much.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (16)

The Hat

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

HAT & SCARF

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 23 January 2013
  • Currently 4.90/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (10)

Chuck Norris doesn't look both...

Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 23 July 2011
  • Currently 3.29/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (14)

A man awoke one evening to dis...

A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary. The operator at the other end said "Are they in your house?" He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. The operator said there were no cars available at that time. He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again. "I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!" Within seconds there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene. After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "I thought you said you had shot them all!" The man answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!"
#joke #policeman
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 22 October 2010
  • Currently 7.02/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (52)

Stop Redundancy


The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.
Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be unor confusing.
So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting.
This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 02 June 2010
  • Currently 5.29/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (7)

the blonde and the b

there was a boy who liked a blonde and so one day he finally got the courage to ask her out. he said "would you go out with me?"

she looked confused and said "where we going?"

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 08 March 2012
  • Currently 3.04/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (51)

The Marriage of Miss Bad Breath and Mr. Smelly Feet

A young couple, madly in love, decided to get married. But as the wedding day neared, both grew increasingly nervous over secret problems they had never shared with anyone. Privately, the groom-to-be approached his minister.
“I’m really concerned about this marriage,” the young man said.
“Don’t you love her?” the pastor asked in surprise.
“Of course,” the groom said. “But I have unbelievably smelly feet—and I’m afraid my fiancée won’t be able to stand them.”
“Oh, is that all?” the pastor replied. “Look, all you need to do is wash your feet twice a day and wear socks all the time.”
The groom thought it over and decided it just might work.
Meanwhile, the nervous bride had privately approached the minister’s wife. “I’m so worried,” she sobbed. “I have really bad breath when I wake up each day!”
“Oh, dear,” the pastor’s wife replied,” everyone has bad breath in the morning. Don’t worry about it.”
“No, you don’t understand,” the bride implored. “My morning breath is so awful, my fiancé won’t even want to be near me!”
“Well, I have an idea,” the pastor’s wife said soothingly. “Set your alarm just a few minutes before your husband wakes up. Run to the bathroom, brush your teeth, and gargle with mouthwash before he gets out of bed. The key is not to say anything until you’ve taken care of your breath.”
The bride thought it over and decided it just might work.
In time, a beautiful wedding was held and the bride and groom enjoyed the day without once worrying about their secret problems. For several months they managed to keep their issues to themselves.
They one morning, the husband awoke before dawn to find that one of his socks had come off in the night. Frantic, he searched the bed, afraid of what might happen if he didn’t find his sock soon. His bride woke with a start, and, without thinking, blurted out, “What in the world are you doing?”
“Oh, dear!” the young man wailed. “You swallowed my sock!”
From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 08 March 2010
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (38)

During a terrible storm, all t...

During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars. “That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.” “Why’s that?”
“Because knowing the federal government, they’d decided to lower the highways.”
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 08 March 2010
  • Currently 5.89/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (37)

Mom Would Never Say


Things Mom Would Never Say

  1. "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
  2. "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
  3. "Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"
  4. "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"
  5. "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
  6. "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
  7. "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
  8. "I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"
  9. "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"


#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 08 March 2011
  • Currently 5.49/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (35)

Myq Kaplan: Long Distance Relationship

The best part about dating someone who is overweight is, if its long distance, the distance is slightly less long. And gravity pulls you even closer. So, science really working for you.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 08 March 2012
  • Currently 3.97/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (34)

One day, a man at a restaurant...

One day, a man at a restaurant suddenly called out, "Help! My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Please, anyone! Help!"
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He casually walked over, wrapped his arms around the boy's abdomen and squeezed.
Out popped the quarter.
The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"
"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

Jokes Archive

NOTE: All jokes on this web site are property of the sites they are collected from. Web site Jokes of the day is not responsible for content of jokes. We are not trying to offend, just looking for a good laugh!! If you are offended by any of the jokes, please complain to the site jokes are coming from.
This site uses cookies to store information on your computer. Some are essential to help the site properly. Others give us insight into how the site is used and help us to optimize the user experience. See our privacy policy.