Jokes of the day for Thursday, 20 March 2014

One day my friend as...

“One day my friend asked me, how do you take such good care of your saxophone. I responded with tenor, love and care.”

To the Moon

Thinking ahead ......

Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, 'No thank you, please.'
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
'You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!'
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Giraffes collide

What do you get when two giraffes collide?

A giraffic jam.

Harvard Graduate

How do you get a Harvard graduate off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.

Restroom Talk

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?'
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.'
And the other guy says: 'So what are you up to?'
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling.'
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. 'Can I come over?'
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, 'No........I'm a little busy right now!!!'
Then I hear the guy say nervously...

'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.'

Filming on location for Walker...

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Knock Knock Collection 016

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Argo!
Argo who?
Argo down the shops!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aries!
Aries who?
Aries a reason why I talk this way!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Arizona!
Arizona who?
Arizona room for one of us in this town!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Armageddon!
Armageddon who?
Armageddon getting out of here!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Armenia!
Armenia who?
Armenia every word I say!

Hindu Happy Birthday

Q: What does a Hindu wish someone on their birthday?
A: May you have many happy returns.

A fellow nurse at my hospital ...

A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

A cowboy rides into town on Fr...

A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays three days and leaves on Friday how does he do it?

The horses name is Friday

A vertically challenged psychi...

A vertically challenged psychic was arrested one day. He escaped from jail and the newspaper headline read, "SMALL MEDIUM AT-LARGE."

China

what does china say to the world? 2 dolla fiftee cent Why do chinese people starve? Sumo wrestlers eat all the rice Why does most of america suck? its made in china how does china have a billion people? pregnant sluts

Little Johnny's Chemistr...

Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.

He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

It’s really painful to say goodbye

It’s really painful to say goodbye to someone that you don’t want to let go of, but it’s even more painful to hold on to them if they never wanted to stay in the first place. If someone doesn’t show you the same love that you show them, and acts as if you are unimportant most of the time, this maybe a big clue as to the fact that you don’t need them in your life either. The only people you truly need in your life are those who respect you and want you to be in theirs.