Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 26 March 2014
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 26 March 2014 |
Working in The Garden
A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife:
"I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter:
"Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
"You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter:
"Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!"
The fussy customer
"I want to have a cake made right now!" the man exclaims.
"Well, I'm sorry," replies Peter. "But I was just closing shop. My staff has left, all my machines have been turned off. I'm afraid you'll have to come back tomorrow."
The man insisted, "I cannot wait till tomorrow. It's absolutely essential that this cake be made right now!"
Now, Peter hated to turn a customer back, so he says, "Let me see what I can do." He goes inside and turns all his machinery back on. He then comes back to the counter and ties on his apron. "Okay, what do you want?"
The man takes out a sketch from his pocket and shows it to Peter. There is a nicely drawn image of a cake." It has to look just like this," says the man. "Exactly one foot wide, eight inches long, and six inches tall. White frosting, light blue icing, and a green cursive "R" in the middle. Just like this."
Somewhat taken aback, Peter ponders the sketch for a few moments and replies. "I think I can do that. I will have it ready in about an hour."
"An hour!" exclaims the man. "That's will be a problem. I need this in 30 minutes."
"30 minutes?" responds Peter. "I'm not sure I can do that. I suppose I might be able to get it done that fast if I used some pre-made dough. The taste will not be as good though..."
The man replies while checking his watch frantically "I don't care. Just get it done."
So Peter goes back and makes the cake. He works harder and faster than he ever done before, and manages to produce the cake in just about half an hour. He presents it to the man fresh out of the oven. "Will this be adequate?" he asks.
The man takes a measuring tape from his pocket. He checks the length, width, and height very carefully. He then compares it to the sketch. Suddenly, a look of horror comes across his face. "Oh no!" he exclaims. "The 'R' is the wrong shade of green! It has to be the same shade as the sketch. Oh, what will I do now?"
"Relax," says Peter. "If the shade really is a problem I think I can re-ice it. It may take a few more minutes."
"You think you can?" asks the man anxiously. "Well then, please do it fast!"
So the baker quickly takes the cake back and puts on a new "R". A few moments later, he brings it back to man. "There you are. Is this what you wanted?" he asks.
Once again the man examines the cake, checking every detail. He compares the shades of green, and this time decides they're all right. "Okay" says the man quickly, "this is good. Can I pay you now."
"Of course," says Peter, quickly readying the cash register. "The boxes we have available are all over here. You can take your pick."
"Oh no, that won't be required," answers the man. "I'll eat it here."
Reasonable doubt...
Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder.
There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door.
The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."
Red Fire Fighter
There are four wheels and eight men on a fire engine.
Four and eight makes 12.
There are 12 inches in a ruler.
Queen Elizabeth is a ruler.
The Queen Elizabeth was a ship.
Ships sail in the sea.
The sea has fish.
Fish have fins.
The Finns are always fighting the Russians.
Russians are known as "red".
Fire engines are always rushin', and that's why they're red.
Ninjas want to grow up to be j...
Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.Animal Orgasms
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her,"Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"
She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Why don't you prove it."
He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay."
He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can you tell?"
A man walks into a bar and say...
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye." The bartender says, "Yeah, right! I've never seen anyone do that!" So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it.The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says, "I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye." Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says, "I just saw you walk in here -- you can't be blind!" So he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye. The bartender pays him his money and he walks away.
A woman is walking on the road...
A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?" Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!"What's round and bad tempered?
What's round and bad tempered? A vicious circle.Things t...
Things to say to the boss to get you fired: "I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public."
"I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid."
"Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are you?"
"Who me? I just wander from room to room."
"I pretend to work. You pretend to pay me."
"Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?"
"Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"
"Earth is full, go home!"
"How about 'never'? Is 'never' good for you?"
"Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental."
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Peace and Pancakes
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall
Come out and watch us kill Christ the King
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale
It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house
Don't forget your husbands
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict
The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 pm
Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread, and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church
Children will be baptized at both ends
Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social
All ladies giving milk will please come early
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist
Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday
Due to weather conditions, there will not be any “Women Worth Watching” this week
The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him
After the service, we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.
Donald Glover: iPhone Raps
I write raps so sometimes I will write them in my iPhone. So I was writing the n-word in my iPhone and my iPhone goes, Did you mean niggardly? And I was like, No iPhone. I meant n***er; write it. But then, two weeks later, I was writing Jigga -- which is the shortened form of Jay-Z. And my iPhone goes, Did you mean n***er? And I went, Whoa, iPhone. You do not get to say that. I have problems with...
“I have problems with math but with chemistry, I have solutions.”
