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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 08 April 2014

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 08 April 2014

New Hearing Aids

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He finally went to a doctor, and was fitted with excellent new hearing aids.
He returned a month later for a checkup, and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven't told my family just yet. I still sit around quietly; but, now I listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times already.

#joke #doctor
  • Currently 6.82/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (11)

“When the statistics ...

“When the statistics professor and the math professor wrote a cookbook together, they called it 'Pi A La Mode.'”

#joke #short
  • Currently 5.17/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (6)

SLIDESHOW #9 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Two guys are hiking in the for...

Two guys are hiking in the forest when they suddenly come across a big Grizzly bear! The one guy takes off his hiking boots and puts on some running shoes!
His friend says to him "You're crazy! There's no use, do you know how fast Grizzlies are, you'll never be able to out run it!" and the guy says, "I only have to out run you!"
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (6)

Funny video of the day - Little Girls’ First Judo Fight

Little Girls’ First Judo Fight - Two little girls engage in the cutest judo fight you’ll see today - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 6.10/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (10)

You boys been drinkin?

Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said.

"We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."

#joke #beer
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (3)

Funny Photo of the day - Cardboard shoes

Cardboard shoes - Not suitable for all conditions | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.27/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (11)

Insult - Sister

May a weird customs inspector discover a secret compartment

in your sister.

-- Johnny Carson

#joke #short
  • Currently 4.38/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (8)

New secretary


Bob walked into his pal's office only to find Gareth looking depressed.

Bob asked, "Hey, what's with that long face?"

Gareth said, "You know my wife. She hired a new secretary for me."

Bob asked, "So what? Is she blonde or brunette?"

Gareth replied, "Neither. He's bald."
#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 4.08/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (13)

Chuck Norris has a bear rug in...

Chuck Norris has a bear rug in his den. The bear isn't dead- just afraid to move.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 04 June 2013
  • Currently 6.36/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (11)

Miscellaneous Terms


ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MYTH: A female moth.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 26 April 2013
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (6)

Taking Faith Healing Too Far

A faith healer asked Moshe how his family was getting along. "They're all fine," Moshe said, "Except my uncle. He's very sick."
"Your uncle is not sick," the faith healer said. "He THINKS he's sick."
Two weeks later, the faith healer ran into Moshe on the street. "How is your uncle getting along?" he asked.
Moshe shrugged, "He THINKS he's dead."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 08 April 2011
  • Currently 4.63/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (8)

The children were lined up in ...

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 08 April 2009
  • Currently 8.03/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (35)

Clean St. Patrick's Day Jokes

An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!" The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken." The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves." The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?" "Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'."

Casey and Riley agreed to settle their dispute by a fight, and it was understood that whoever wanted to quit should say "Enough." Casey got Riley down and was hammering him unmercifully when Riley called out several times, "Enough!" As Casey paid no attention, but kept on administering punishment, a bystander said, "Why don't you let him up? Don't you hear him say that he's had enough?" "I do," says Casey, "but he's such a liar, you can't believe him.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 08 April 2012
  • Currently 4.65/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (31)

True Story

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.
He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 08 April 2010
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (30)

Who gets the present....

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in union. "Okay, Dad. You get the toy."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 08 April 2009
  • Currently 4.61/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (23)

Answering Machine Message 28


Rod Serling imitation: You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 08 April 2013
  • Currently 4.13/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (15)

The Wisdom of Yoda continued

The Wisdom of Yoda continued
#joke
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

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