Jokes of the day for Monday, 21 April 2014

“My friend's bakery b...

“My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.”

Wrong Way

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him.
“Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 interstate. Please be careful!”
“It's not just one car,” said Herman. “It's hundreds of them!”

Milk and eggs

Smell the Coffee...

A grandmother was surprised by her seven-year-old helper early one morning. He had made her coffee! She drank what was probably the worst cup of coffee in her entire life. And when she got to the bottom, to her utter amazement, there were three little green, army men in her cup.

Puzzled, she asked, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson answered, "Grandma, you know how it says on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon... and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

I Guess That's F

Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."

"Chickens, eh?"

says one guy.

"Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"

"Heck," says the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."

The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um... five?"

The quickest way to a man's he...

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

The Cesium Song 08

'Lectropositive Mama
(tune, Lady Madonna)
'Letropositive mama,
Cesium on your meat,
Wonder how you manage,
To stay on your feet.
How d'ya stand the smokin'?
How d'ya 'bide the flame?
Do you think that life's just
A burnin' game.
Monday night your hunger's a blue fire,
Tuesday morn' you're cookin' 'fore the sun.
Wednesday rain, you're only flamin' higher,
Having your fun.
'Lectropositive mama,
Cinders in your curls,
No way can compare you,
To ordinary girls.
Likin' the explosions,
Rock you on your seat.
How can any woman handle
All that heat?
---Songs of Cesium #47

Where babies from?

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.

Mother, where do babies come from?

Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.

Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?

Jewelry, dear.

How to Cure a Headache

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years

with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's

referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The

doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.

"I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across

my scalp and...."

He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing

right behind the left ear".

"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you

know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache

for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp

muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my

wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs

together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve

the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and

come back and let me know how it goes".

Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you

feel?"

"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache

since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough.

And, by the way you have a lovely home."

Shoulda Said

This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.

''Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?''

''Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your ass.''

''Okay,'' says the guy. He turns to his dog. ''Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on top of a house?''

''Roof!'' The man turns and smiles at the bartender.

''THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!''

''Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?''

''Ruff!"

''What the hell you tryin' to pull mister?''

''Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?''

"Ruth."

The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.

"Geez. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

Little Johnny had finished his...

Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to
tell her that he was misbehaving.
"Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.

On his birthday, Chuck Norris ...

On his birthday, Chuck Norris blows out his candles by blinking.

Arj Barker: No Razors in Halloween Candy

Theres no razor in candy. If for no other reason, it doesnt make financial sense. Its not fiscally prudent. How much does a piece of candy cost -- like, a penny and a half? An apples like 15 cents? Anybody here bought a Mach 3 replacement cartridge recently? Theyre so expensive, they dont even keep them on the shelf. You know, you have to ask the people behind the counter. I feel like Im trying to buy enriched plutonium or something.

17 Dad jokes and puns for Father's day

Third Sunday of June is Father's Day. Check out Jokes for Father's Day to share with your father.

Cowboys hung lanterns from their saddles at night,
It's the first example of Saddle Light Navigation...

Prison may be just one word to you.
But to others, it’s a whole sentence

Why did the kids think a blanket was the perfect Father's Day gift?
They thought dad was the coolest.

What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.

How do dads like their steak on Father's Day?
On a plate.

Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
If they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.

What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.

Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?
It lost its filling.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.

Did I tell you I ordered both a chicken and an egg from Amazon?
I'll let you know.

Did I tell you I dreamt about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night?
Turns out it was just a Fanta sea.

You know why you should avoid the new Lego store when it opens tomorrow?
People will be lined up for blocks. I don't have a dad bod.
It's a father figure.

There's something about those trees I just don't trust.
They seem kind of shady.

My wife laughed when I said I could make a car out of macaroni.
You should've seen her face when I drove pasta!

I used to play piano by ear
but now I use my hands.

You did a grape job
raisin me, dad.

Dad, you're a real
fungi.