Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 06 May 2014
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 06 May 2014 |
“My mom asked me what...
“My mom asked me what kind cheese I wanted, and I havarti made my decision.”
Never been to a strip club
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?”
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
“Oh, no,” says Dave. “He's on my bowling team.”
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”
“She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual lap dance, big boy?”
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”
Language twist
We in India, are capable of tearing apart the English language because we try a bit too hard.
A few gems are listed below - I am sure you will enjoy reading them.
Sports teacher to Std V students - "hey you four, stand together separately."
Geography teacher to Std III students - "If you can't hang that world map, I will hang myself."
English teacher to Std IV students - "When I am in the class, how can you look at the monkeys outside the window?"
Question time....
Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed them how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time....
"Class," he said, "my name begins with the letter 'M,' and I pick up things....What am I?"
A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."
Yo Mama Is So Old
Yo mama so old I told her to act her own age, and she died.
Yo mama so old her social security number is 1!
Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
Yo mama so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.
Yo mama so old her birth certificate says expired on it.
Yo mama so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.
Yo mama so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.
Yo mama so old she ran track with dinosaurs.
Yo mama so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.
Yo mama so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.
Bad Investment
Shultz, a lawyer, bribed a man on the jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the prosecution.The jury was out for nearly a week before they returned to court with the manslaughter verdict.
When Shultz paid the juror, he asked him if it had been hard to persuade the other jurors to get the charge of manslaughter.
"Sure did," the juror replied, "all the others wanted to acquit him."
Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuc...
Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuck Norris.Morality
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?Team Spirit
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach.
"Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
There are no races, only count...
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.A couple pulled into the drive...
A couple pulled into the driveway after their first date. The guy leans over and gives the girl a long, slow kiss. While he's kissing her, he quietly unzips his pants, takes her hand, and puts it on his penis.When she realizes what it is, she screams, jumps out of the car, and yells back at him as she starts closing the car door, "I've got just two words for you, Drop Dead!!"
"And I've got two words for you too," the guy shrieks, "LET GO!!!!"
Smell the Coffee...
A grandmother was surprised by her seven-year-old helper early one morning. He had made her coffee! She drank what was probably the worst cup of coffee in her entire life. And when she got to the bottom, to her utter amazement, there were three little green, army men in her cup.
Puzzled, she asked, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson answered, "Grandma, you know how it says on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"
14 Dad Jokes to prepare for Father's Day
Third Sunday of June is Father's Day in some countries! Get your jokes ready on time!
Thought I saw my first ever real life super hero today.
He was running down our street wearing a cape...
Turns out he hadn't paid for his haircut!
How many crime writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it has to have a really good twist at the end!
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef jerky!
My wife called me and said, "I've found a dead bee in the sink, what do I do?"
I said, "Get a spoon and flush it down the toilet."
A few minutes later she said,
"I've done that, but what about the bee?"
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I recently joined a support group for people who talk a lot.
We call ourselves On and On Anon.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved.
I yelled "Cow!" at a woman on a bike...
She gave me the finger. Then she ran into a cow.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
What did the zero say to the eight?
That belt looks good on you.
What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
Why don't eggs tell jokes?
They might crack up.
What did the big flower say to the little flower?
"Hi, bud!"
What did the grape say when it got stepped on?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
11 new jokes for National Tell A Joke Day
On August 16th, celebrate National (US) Tell A Joke Day by doing just that — telling a joke. Find some great jokes here:
What's the difference between an Indian and an African Elephant?
One of them is an elephant
What's the difference between Iron man and Iron woman?
One is a superhero the other an instruction!
How hard is it to seduce large women?
Piece of cake
There's a new religion that worships zero
Nothing is sacred these days
Did you hear about the two guys who broke into an oversized kitchen supply store?
One of them said to the other "Be careful, we're taking a really big whisk."
Am going to see that new film about the pig without an eye.
It's rated PG.
I ordered a book on puns.
I didn't get it.
I've just come back from the doctor and I've been diagnosed with tinnitus...
I don't like the sound of that!
I went to the doctors with hearing problems.
He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, "Homer's a fat bloke and Marge has big blue hair!"
My dog ran off in the park last night.
I walked around for 30 minutes but could not find him.
The missus said I should look harder...
So I shaved my head and got a tattoo.
I still can't find him!
A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents.
"This is Amanda."
His dad jumps up and says, "It's a f*c*ng what?"