Jokes of the day for Thursday, 19 June 2014
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 19 June 2014 |
A man was well inebriated, but...
A man was well inebriated, but he got behind the wheel of his car anyway and began to drive home. Of course, he couldn't exactly drive straight or stay below the speed limit. Two policemen pulled him over and demanded a sobriety test. They asked him to walk a straight line, and he failed. They began to take him with them, but suddenly they received a call on their walkie-talkies, asking them to go to another part of town. They asked the man to be patient while they called someone else to cover for them. But the man grew tired of waiting and, after a few minutes, drove home. He got in bed and said to his wife, who had been waiting for him, "If any policemen come looking for me, tell them I'm not home yet." The wife agreed, somewhat confused and a little embarrassed. No sooner than her husband fell asleep did she hear a knock at the door. Sure enough, it was the two policemen. They asked about her husband, and she replied that he wasn't home. Then they asked to check her garage. Puzzled, she agreed. She opened up the garage for them--and there sat the policemen's squad car, lights still flashing.AMEN, BROTHER!
Two elderly, excited women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher. When this preacher condemned the sin of lust, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs..."AMEN, BROTHER!"
When the preacher condemned the sin of stealing, they yelled again..."PREACH IT, REVEREND!"
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying...they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER...TELL IT LIKE IT IS...AMEN!"
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet, and one turned to the other and said, "He's done quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."
A Little Girl Wants To Go
A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy" she said "Can we leave now?"
"No" her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes" the little girl replied.
"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy" the little girl replied, "They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick'."
The Redneck Animal Park
A small redneck Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rarespecies of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla
became very "in the
mood", and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the
problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse,
there were no male gorillas of the species available. While
reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed
Ed, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the
animals' cages.
Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed
ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the
park administrators thought
they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a
proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the
gorilla for $500?
Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the
matter over carefully.
The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their
offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I
don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never
tell anyone about this." The park administration quickly
agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third
condition. "Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week
to come up with the $500."
Belated confession
A man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,” he said. “During World War II, I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," said the priest. "That's not a sin."
"But I made him agree to pay me $20 for every week he stayed," the man explained.
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause," the priest replied.
"Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind,” the man said. “I have one more question, though."
"What is that, my son?" the priest inquired.
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
He who lives by the sword, die...
He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.Death In The Family
One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away.
The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left.
The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again.
She asked her why she was crying this time.
The blonde said, "I just got off of the phone with my sister. Her mother died too!"
A Heavenly Welcome
A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.""Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!" The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."
"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."
Soldier Stands Guard
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"
Wash the dog
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner grocery picking out a large size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Nope, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But, you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But, the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so" said he was sorry the dog died, but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
