Jokes of the day for Thursday, 25 September 2014

A little girl asked her mother...

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

“I had an account wit...

“I had an account with a bank in the North Pole, but they froze all my assets.”

Playing Doctor

Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative buddy. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?"
"Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"

Another

It is becoming a very scary world out there . . . . .

Another Famous American converts to Islam ...

It was announced today that Buckwheat,

Of Our Gang fame, Has converted To

The Muslim faith and changed his name to:

Kareem of Wheat.

I just hope he doesn't become a cereal killer!

John received a free ticket to...

John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately. John's seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the stadium. He noticed an empty seat 10 rows up from the 50-yard line. He decides to make his way to the empty seat. As he sits down he asks the man next to him if anyone is sitting there. The man told him no, it was empty. John is very excited to have a seat like this at a Super Bowl and asks why in the world no one is using it? The man replied that it was his wife's seat but she passed away. He said this was the first Super Bowl that they have not attended together since they were married in 1968. John said that it was really sad and asked if he couldn't find someone, a relative or a close friend to take the seat?

"No" replied the man, "They're at her funeral!"

Waking Up for Church

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."

"Why not?" she asked."I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church. One, you're 54 years old, and two, you're the pastor!"

On Exercising

1 - My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where in the worldl she is.

2 - The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3 - I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

4 - I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

5 - I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

6 - I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

7 - I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8 - The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

9 - If you are going to try cross-county skiing, start with a small country.

10 - I don't jog; it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

and last but not least....

It is well documented that for every mile that you jog..... you add one minute to your life .... This enables you, at 85 years old.... to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

Blonde Cheer

Q: What's the blonde's cheer?

A: " I'm blonde, I'm

blonde, I'm B.L.O...ah, oh well..I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea

yea yea..."

Hungry Ham Sandwich

A ham sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

New Jersey Crazy Law

It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.

You may not slurp your soup.

If you have been convicted of driving while intoxicated, you may never again apply for personalized license plates.

It is against the law to "frown" at a police officer.

On a highway you can not park under a bridge.

Car dealerships are forbidden from opening on Sunday.

You cannot pump your own gas. All gas stations are full service and full service only.

Automobiles are not to pass horse drawn carriages on the street.

It is illegal to delay or detain a homing pigeon.

Bernards Township

It is illegal to frown as the town is a "Frown-Free Town Zone".

Caldwell

You may not dance or wear shorts on the main avenue.

Cranford

Citizens are not permitted to park their own boat on their lawn.

Cresskill

All cats must wear three bells to warn birds of their whereabouts.

Elizabeth

It is forbidden for a woman, on a Sunday, to walk down Broad Street without wearing a petticoat.

Manville

It is illegal to offer whiskey or cigarettes to animals a the local zoo.

Newark

It is illegal to sell ice cream after 6pm, unless the customer has a note from his doctor.

Ocean City

Pinball machines are not to be played on Sunday.

People may not slurp their soup.

Raw hamburger may not be sold.

Raritan

Profanity is prohibited.

Sea Isle City

There will be no boiling of bones on the property.

Trenton

Pickles are not to be consumed on Sundays.

You may not throw a bad pickle in the street.

#joke #policeman #doctor #animal #cat #horse #bird #food #soup #drinks #whiskey #sport #fishing

Top Ten Country Western Songs

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I've Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day

q: What do you get when you c...

q: What do you get when you cross an impressionist painter with a New York City cab driver?

A: You get Vincent Van Go Fuck Yourself.

As President Roosevelt said: "...

As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

Hurt Bee Back

Q: How did the bee hurt his back?

A: He fell off his honey.

Top 10 Mom Scoldings in the Bible

10. Sampson, get your hands off of that lion, you don't know where it's been!
9. David, I told you not to play in the house with that string! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons.
8. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!
7. Shadrach, Meschach and Abendeco! I told you, never play with fire!
6. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!
5. Noah, no you can' t help them. Don't bring home any strays.
4. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at my clothes.
3. James and John! No more burping at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you sons of thunder.
2. Judas! Have you been in my purse again?
1. Jesus! Close the door! You think you were born in a barn.
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Jalus