Jokes of the day for Friday, 26 September 2014

Yo mama so old, she has Jesus'...

Yo mama so old, she has Jesus' beeper number.

A guy was walking along the st...

A guy was walking along the street when he saw a crowd of people running towards him. He stopped one of the runners and asked: "What's happening?"

The runner replied breathlessly: "A lion has escaped from the zoo."

"Oh my, which way is it heading?"

"Well you don't think we are chasing it, do you?"

“A fat pirate is a va...

“A fat pirate is a vast matey.”

Super Bowl

John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately. John's seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the stadium. He noticed an empty seat 10 rows up from the 50-yard line. He decides to make his way to the empty seat.

As he sits down he asks the man next to him if anyone is sitting there.

The man told him no, it was empty.

John is very excited to have a seat like this at a Super Bowl and asks why in the world no one is using it?

The man replied that it was his wife's seat but she passed away. He said this was the first Super Bowl that they have not attended together since they were married in 1968.

John said that it was really sad and asked if he couldn't find someone, a relative or a close friend to take the seat?

"No" replied the man, "They're at her funeral!"

A college pizza delivery boy a...

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."
"Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.
The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

Change for a $15 bill

An incompentent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.

He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phoney money for real cash.

He travels to a small town and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?"

The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An eight and a seven or two sixes and a three?"

Parade

What's long, brown and has a cumulative IQ of 80?

A Cinco De Mayo parade.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by calamjo

Playing Doctor

Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative buddy. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?"
"Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"

New Jersey Crazy Law

It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.

You may not slurp your soup.

If you have been convicted of driving while intoxicated, you may never again apply for personalized license plates.

It is against the law to "frown" at a police officer.

On a highway you can not park under a bridge.

Car dealerships are forbidden from opening on Sunday.

You cannot pump your own gas. All gas stations are full service and full service only.

Automobiles are not to pass horse drawn carriages on the street.

It is illegal to delay or detain a homing pigeon.

Bernards Township

It is illegal to frown as the town is a "Frown-Free Town Zone".

Caldwell

You may not dance or wear shorts on the main avenue.

Cranford

Citizens are not permitted to park their own boat on their lawn.

Cresskill

All cats must wear three bells to warn birds of their whereabouts.

Elizabeth

It is forbidden for a woman, on a Sunday, to walk down Broad Street without wearing a petticoat.

Manville

It is illegal to offer whiskey or cigarettes to animals a the local zoo.

Newark

It is illegal to sell ice cream after 6pm, unless the customer has a note from his doctor.

Ocean City

Pinball machines are not to be played on Sunday.

People may not slurp their soup.

Raw hamburger may not be sold.

Raritan

Profanity is prohibited.

Sea Isle City

There will be no boiling of bones on the property.

Trenton

Pickles are not to be consumed on Sundays.

You may not throw a bad pickle in the street.

#joke #policeman #doctor #animal #cat #horse #bird #food #soup #drinks #whiskey #sport #fishing

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a...

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

Outer Space exists because it ...

Outer Space exists because it is afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

Julian McCullough: List of Priorities

I dont have any curtains in my apartment. I tried to buy curtains; I went to the store, I was like, I would like these curtains, please. And they were like, $40. And I was like, Nope. Found out right then just how low on my list of priorities curtains were. It turns out Id rather get drunk once than ever have curtains for the rest of my life.

Dad Will Never Say

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say
10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.

Safe Sex

Every time I go on vacation my wife gets pregnant...
This year I'm taking her with me!

A stranger's advice

A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in. 

After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night." 

The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning." 

The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try. 

When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face. 

As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet. 

Seeing her he screamed, "What the hell are you doing in here?!" 

"Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."