Jokes of the day for Saturday, 13 December 2014

Stupid Terrorist

A couple of terrorist were making letter bombs. After they had finished, one said: “Do you think I put enough explosive in this envelope?

“I don’t know,” said the other. “Open it and see.”

“But it will explode.”

“Don’t be stupid! It’s not addressed to you!

This guy goes into a doctors a

This guy goes into a doctors and says, "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!"
"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks.
"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day," he answers back.
"That's not so much," says the doctor.
"Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man.
"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor.
"Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man.
"Well, that's definitely too much," says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand."
"I do," says the man. "Twice a day!"

Questions for Mommy...

A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded,"Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, fires off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" The mother, a little annoyed by the line of questioning, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about the conversation she had with her mother. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything.

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugs and says, I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

 Choose A Punishment

A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge said, "What will you take....30 days or $30."
The man replied, "I think I'll take the money."

Adam's Rib

In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially interested when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as if he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Xenophobic vampires are ron

Xenophobic vampires are foreign neck haters.

If pro is the opposite of con,

If pro is the opposite of con, what's the opposite of progress?
- Congress!

This preacher was looking for

This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found oneat a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning."This mower work, son?" the preacher asked.
Little Johnny said, "Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard, though."
The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start.Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny'shouse. "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough."
"Well," Johnny said, "you need to curse at it sometimes."
The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!"
"Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you."

Someone else

Our church was saddened to learn this week of the death of one of our most valued members, Someone Else.

Someone's passing creates a vacancy that will be difficult to fill.

Else has been with us for many years and for every one of those years, Someone did far more than a normal person's share of the work. Whenever there was a job to do, a class to teach, or a meeting to attend, one name was on everyone's list, "Let Someone Else do it."

Whenever leadership was mentioned, this wonderful person was looked to for inspiration as well as results, "Someone Else can work with that group."

It was common knowledge that Someone Else was among the most liberal givers in our church. Whenever there was a financial need, everyone just assumed Someone Else would make up the difference.

Someone Else was a wonderful person, sometimes appearing superhuman. Were the truth known, everybody expected too much of Someone Else. Now Someone Else is gone! We wonder what we are going to do.

Someone Else left a wonderful example to follow, but who is going to follow it? Who is going to do the things Someone Else did?

When you are asked to help this year, remember, we can't depend on Someone Else anymore.

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

The Giant with Diarrhea

Did you hear about the giant with diarrhea?

It's all over town.

Q: Why is Santa Claus' sack s

Q: Why is Santa Claus' sack so big? A: He only comes once a year.

“If you want a big ba

“If you want a big bang for your dollar, buying balloons is okay, but buying wood to build a fire works.”

Burglar's secret

A man walks into a police station and asks to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before.

"I’m sorry sir, but you'll get your chance in court,” says the duty officer.

“No, you don’t understand,” says the man. “I want to know how he got in the house without waking the wife. I've been trying to do that for years.”

Two blondes, Carol and Patt...

Two blondes, Carol and Patty, were walking down the street.

Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." Patty said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the Compact.

Patty looked in the mirror and said,"You dummy, it's me!

Scientifically speaking, it is...

Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.

Police Quotes

“The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

“If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.”

“So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

“Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”

“Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.”

“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?”

“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

“Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid.”

“No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

“Just how big were those two beers?