Jokes of the day for Sunday, 14 December 2014

Under negotiations

An elderly married couple was traveling by car on a road trip. After almost 11 hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The husband exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. He told the clerk that though it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. The clerk nodded and told him that $350.00 is the “standard rate.” The husband wasn’t happy with the explanation and insisted on speaking to the manager.

The manager appeared, listened to him and then explained that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for them to use.

“But we didn't use them," the husband said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the manager. The manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas here," he said.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the manager replied. No matter what amenity the manager mentioned, the husband replied: "But we didn't use it!"

The manager was unmoved and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn't have the checkbook he asked his wife to write the check. She did and gave it to the manager. The manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

"But ma'am, this is only made out for $50.00," he said.

''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaimed the manager.

"Well, too bad. I was here, and you could have."

Opposites

If pro is the opposite of con, what's the opposite of progress?

Congress!

A woman went to the emergency

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room. Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.
"What the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said,"Does she still have the hiccups?"

Shhhhh....

A woman who plays cards once a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 11:30.

One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.

"Darn it woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"

 Amazing Talking Cow

A man's car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story.
"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied.
"Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars."

The Buddha's Vacuum Cleaner

Q: Why did it take the Buddha forever to vacuum his sofa?
A: Because he didn't have any attachments.

Life isn't like a box of choc

Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos: you never know what's going to burn your ass.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't need them again.
I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where in the hell is the ceiling?
My reality check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier!!!
You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Everyone is someone else's weirdo.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
Be careful...a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.
Don't be irreplaceable --- if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
So this isn't Home Sweet Home . . . Adjust!
Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
I'd love to live life in the fast lane, but I'm married to a speed bump.
Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without a hard-on, make him a sandwich!
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it!
How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine? It's the one with bite marks on the cap!

Two Cows

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the

milk. PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government

takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's

cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The

government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government

takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's

cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to

take care of the chickens the government took from the

chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and

as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires

you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. PURE

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take

care of them, and you all share the milk. RUSSIAN

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them,

but the government takes all the milk. DICTATORSHIP: You

have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government

fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an

apartment. MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The

government takes both and drafts you. PURE DEMOCRACY: You

have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors

pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. AMERICAN

DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if

you vote for it. After the election, the president is

impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the

affair "Cowgate". BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows.

You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government

doesn't do anything. BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At

first the government regulates what you can feed them and

when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them.

After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and

pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill

out forms accounting for the missing cows.. ANARCHY: You

have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or

your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of

them to your publicly - listed company, using letters of

credit opened by your brother - in - law at the bank, then

execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer

so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for

keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are

transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman

Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder,

who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the

listed company. The annual report says that the company

owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you

kill the two cows because the fung shiu is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you

from milking or killing them. FEMINISM: You have two cows.

They get married and adopt a veal calf. TOTALITARIANISM:

You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they

ever existed. Milk is banned. COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude,

there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of

this milk. SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The

government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read the

constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas

about government. The cow runs for office, and while most

people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody

except the other cow votes for her because they think it

would be "throwing their vote away."

The Secret to Speed

Plane: How do you fly so fast?

Rocket: You'll know when your ass is on fire.

What do you call people who ar...

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
- Claustrophobic.

Xenophobic vampires are ron

Xenophobic vampires are foreign neck haters.

“If you want a big ba

“If you want a big bang for your dollar, buying balloons is okay, but buying wood to build a fire works.”

Just think, in a few million y...

Just think, in a few million years Barney will be motor oil

It's wise to remember how easi...

It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology canbe misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filledstreets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on abusiness trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife aquicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he hadwritten her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in frommemory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directedinstead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passedaway only the day before. When the grieving widow checked here-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercingscream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this noteon the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrivaltomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.

sdfgdf

dfgsdfg

One day The Lord came to Adam ...

One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said.

Adam looked at The Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first."

Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."

Godzilla is a Japanese renditi...

Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.