Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 16 December 2014

Christmas tree and an iPad

Q: What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?

A: A pineapple.

“I went to go see the

“I went to go see the movie 'Shrek' last weekend, it was so ogre rated.”

Dolphins

Dolphins are so intelligent that within a few weeks of captivity they can train a man to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them fish three times a day.

After his recent stay in the h

After his recent stay in the hospital, Pa was particularly irritable, especially regarding food. At a nearby restaurant he stopped for a quick meal and the waiter provided a bowl of soup.
As the waiter turned away to return to the kitchen Pa stopped him, calling: "Waiter!"
"Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"
"The soup. Taste it," replied Pa.
"I beg your pardon, sir?"
"Taste it."
"But, sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."
"Taste it," Pa persisted.
"Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients."
"Taste it!"
The exasperated waiter finally relented, "All right, sir, I'll taste it."
Then after a pause he said, "Where is the spoon?"
To which Pa replied triumphantly, "Ah ha ... "

Father/Son

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an green envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad".
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Mariel and she is so nice-even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Mariel said that we will be very happy.
Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Mariel taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Mariel can get better; she sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, Tom
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Substitute at the Pearly Gates

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."

I adopted my child–in ca

I adopted my child–in case it wasn't a parent.

EVER WONDER

- Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
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- Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
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- Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
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- Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
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- Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
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- Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
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- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
- made with real lemons?
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- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
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- Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
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- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
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- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
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- Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
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- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
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- You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
- don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
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- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
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- Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
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- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
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- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Trying to be impressive

A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?"

"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."

Those Conceited Bastard Doctors

Q: What is the difference between a brain surgeon and God?

A: God doesn't think he's a brain surgeon!

Johnny wanted to get his mom s

Johnny wanted to get his mom something nice for Christmas but she’s hard to shop for. Passing a pet store he thought, "Hmm, a pet might be a good idea." He walked in the pet store and asked the manager what might be a good idea. "How about a puppy?" "No," said Johnny. "It may poop around the house." "A fish?" "No, her house is small, so I don’t think an aquarium will fit." Johnny then spied a parrot and asked, "How about that parrot?" "Oh," said the manager, "That’s Chet. He’s very expensive." "Well," said Johnny, "It’s my mom let’s take a look." The manager went to Chet, put a lighter under his left wing, and Chet started to sing "Jingle bells, jingle bells..." Then the manager put a lighter under Chet’s right wig and it started to sing, "Dashing through the snow..." "Wow!" said Johnny, "What else does he sing?" The manager held the lighter under Chet’s crotch at which point Chet sang, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire."

Be strong

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. 

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. 

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." 

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Some

Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida and Arizonanewspapers:
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-hairedbeauty, 80's, slim,5'-4" (used to be 5-6), searchingfor sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matchingwhite shoes and belt a plus.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, goodcondition, some hair, many new parts including hip,knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, butwalks well.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has justburied fourth husband looking for someone to round outa six- unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness ofbreath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks,sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you arethe silent type, let's get together, take ourhearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with originalteeth seeking a dedicated flossier to share raresteaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still liketo cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and stilllike to play the air guitar. If you were a groovychick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together andlisten to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday throughThursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday andSunday, let's put our two heads together.

Saying prayers...

Every evening, a mother and her young son, knelt down beside his bed so he could say his prayers. One night, obviously bored with the same old prayer, the little boy said this: "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if I should die before I wake......can I have breakfast with you in the morning?"

There was a blonde driving ...

There was a blonde driving in her car on the highway.She crashed into the car infront of her and a cop came over to her and said mam what is wrong? She said officer no matter where i turn there is a tree if i turn left,right, there is a tree. The officer leaned over and said mam that is your air freshener.

Chuck Norris got his drivers l...

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.

Your car in heaven....

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer."

The first guy walks up and Peter asks him, "How long were you married?"

The first guy says, "24 years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter.

The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."

The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"

A few days later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"

Anthony Jeselnik: Christmas Gifts

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance, Baby, all I want from you this year is an Xbox. Thats it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine -- because I got her an Xbox.

Red truck

An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here, muh house is on fahr!"

"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"

"Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"