Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 23 June 2015
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 23 June 2015 |
Ex-Girlfriend
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "she's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
A History professor was explai
A History professor was explaining how society's ideal of beauty changes with time."Take Miss America in 1921," he noted. "She stood 5'1'', weighed 108 pounds, and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's beauty contest?"
One student piped up, "Not very well! She'd be way too old!"
“My tailor is happy t
“My tailor is happy to make a pair of pants for me, or at least sew it seams.”
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Prayers and Illnesses
Due to the rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: God Is Good--Dr. Hargreaves is better.
This Sunday morning following services we will have our monthly feelowship.
Said during a congregational prayer when leading prayer for unsaved loved ones: “Father, we just want to pray for our unloved saved ones.”
Lift up our Messianic brothers and sisters in Israel who are suffering during our prayer time.
“I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, even though he diets, yet shall be live.”
On a church postcard: “I have received Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I would like a personal call.”
Church sign: “Jesus Saves!” Safeway sign across the street: “Safeway saves you more!”
- Joke shared on Beliefnet's Religious Humor page
Three drunks hailed a taxi...
Three drunks hailed a taxi. The taxi driver seeing that they were so wasted when they got in, he just switched on the engine and switched it off, and said we are here. The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him. The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn't move an inch. So what was that for, he asked. Control your speed next time, you almost killed us.I just had a call from a Chari...
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.I told them to buzz off!!!!!
Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!
Fallen...
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"
Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the roads and sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your own wife fell three times this week already, and your daughter fell twice!"
A Collection Of Insults
Why don't you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance?
I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper?
You have an inferiority complex -- and it's fully justified.
You are not as bad as people say -- you are worse!
Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to poison the tea.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
Whom am I calling "stupid"? I don't know. What's your name?
Take a vacation; go to Club Dead.
Your mouth is getting too big for your muzzle.
You are as strong as an ox and almost as intelligent.
You are living proof of reincarnation. No one could possibly get to be so stupid in just one lifetime.
You grow on people -- like a wart!
Filing System
Two secretaries were talking about their work.
"I hate filing," said one.
"No matter how careful I am, I can never find the papers I'm looking for. I forget where I have filed them."
"I used to have that problem too, but no more," her blonde friend said.
"Now I make 26 copies of everything I type and file one under each letter of the alphabet. That way, I can't miss it!"
Three babies are in their moth
Three babies are in their mother's womb. One of them says, "I want to be an artist so everyone knows what it looks like in here." The next one says, "I want to be a swimmer because I get so much practice in here." The last baby says, "I'm going to be a hunter because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again, I'm going to chop that thing in half!"
If Chuck Norris gave a mouse a...
If Chuck Norris gave a mouse a cookie, it would probably ask for some milk. Then Chuck Norris would roundhouse kick that ungrateful little rodent so hard, it would lose it's appetite for cookies. Permanently.Gabriel Iglesias: The Only Big Friend Argument
When you have nothing but big friends, you never get into arguments -- except one. And that is, who is the biggest? Ill let you know right now, theres only one way to settle this. We all get in a bus and we go to Disney and we get on a roller coaster -- whoever gets the least amount of clicks on the safety bar is the big one. 
Toothbrush
Where was the toothbrush invented?Mississippi.
If it would've been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.
