Jokes of the day for Monday, 13 July 2015

Slap the idiot

Does anybody else have a voice in their head that repeats “Slap the idiot, Slap the idiot!” No? Just me? hmm… Odd!

Seeing Eye Dog

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog. They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into thethick of the traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on other side of the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."    

How does a mobster turn down f

How does a mobster turn down fudge? A: “Fudgegettaboutit!“

Once there was a golfer whose...

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay.
He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golf ball. It sat in the same spot. So he lined up and tried another shot.
Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle. Two ants survived.
One dazed ant said to the other, "What are we going to do?"
Said the other ant, "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on that ball!"

“The doorway was crus

“The doorway was crushed when the transom was taken for ransom.”

A bar owner locked up his plac...

A bar owner locked up his place at 2 AM and went home to sleep. He had been in bed only a few minutes when the phone rang. “What time do you open up in the morning?” he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire.
The owner was so furious, he slammed down the receiver and went back to bed. A few minutes later there was another call and he heard the same voice ask the same question. “Listen, the owner shouted, “there’s no sense in asking me what time I open because I wouldn’t let a person in your condition in—“
“I don’t want to get in,” the caller interjected. “I want to get out.”

A new manager spends a week at...

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."
Three months down the track there is major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all.
He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.
About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.
Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes"

Putt...

A teacher was taking her first golf lesson.

"Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.

"'Putt' is correct," he replied.

"'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means a klutzy but unsuccessful attempt to do the same thing."

 Knock Knock Collection 174

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Teresa!
Teresa who?
Teresa green!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tex!
Tex who?
Tex two to tango!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Texas!
Texas who?
Texas are getting higher every year!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Thaddeus!
Thaddeus who?
To be or not to be, thaddeus the question!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Thatcher!
Thatcher who?
Thatcher could get away with it!

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN...

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has

more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke

at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still

have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league"

bowls on a different night.

5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired

people."

6. You wonder how service stations keep their

restrooms so clean.

7. Anyone in your family ever died right after

saying, "Hey y'all watch this."

8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a

ceiling fan.

10. Your junior prom had a daycare.

11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled

Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."

12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your

house exploded right off its wheels.

13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up

and down, depending on how much gas is in it.

14. You have to go outside to get something

from the fridge.

15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

16. You need one more hole punched in your

card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

17. You can't get married to your sweetheart

because there's a law against it.

18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting

your wife drunk.

19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

20. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend

hits the floor.

21. If you have a complete set of salad bowls

and they all say Cool Whip onthe side....

22. If the biggest city you've ever been to

is Wal-Mart...

23. If your working T.V. sits on top of your

non-working R.V...

24. If you thought the Una-bomber was a wrestler...

25. If you've ever used your ironing board

as a buffet table...

26. If you think a quarter horse is that ride

out in front of the K-Mart...

27. If your neighbours think you're a detective

because a cop always brings you home...

28. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and

does $100,000 dollars worth of improvement...

29. If you've ever used a toilet brush as a

back scratcher

30. If you've ever asked the preacher "How's

it hangin?"

31. If you missed 5th grade graduation because

you had jury duty...

32. If you think fast food is hitting a deer

at 65 mph...

33. If somebody tells you that you've got something

in your teeth and you take them out to see what

it is...

34. If you've ever stared at a can of orange

juice because it said concentrate...

35. If you've ever been too drunk to fish.

36. If you don't understand why the first 35

are not funny.

Innkeeper: "The room is $1

Innkeeper: "The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you make your own bed."
Guest: "I'll make my own bed."
Innkeeper: "Good. I'll get you some nails and wood."

Mama Duck, Baby Duck

Q: What did did the mother duck say to her duckling?

A: "If you don't behave, I'm gonna quack you one."

Interpreting the Commandments

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honor thy father and thy mother' she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shalt not kill."

Chuck Norris doesnt wear a wat...

Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Daniel Tosh: Airport Phone Fun

So when I get a phone call at the airport, Ill admit it, I like to have a little fun. Go ahead. Gate 47 is completely clear. People notice in a hurry. Honey, something is going on. That guy has a wire hanging down, maybe we shouldnt be standing right here. Stand down, blue team! Stand down, blue team! Honey, there is a sting going down at the airport. I am not feeling safe. Please, lets move. Stand down, down blue team! Dont -- hold on, the subjects approaching. Hes in a business suit with a briefcase. I repeat, the briefcase is in his hand. And I find some random businessman. I run, and I just beat the crap out of him. And everybody starts clapping, Thank you for making our airways safe. And then I go get on my plane, and that guy just has a weird story to tell for the rest of his life.

If paper beats rock, rock beat...

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Chuck Norris.

Shark!

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden he sees a shark in the water, so he starts swimming furiously towards his boat.
As he looks back, he sees the shark turn and head towards him. He's scared to death, and as he sees the jaws of the great white beast open, revealing its horrific teeth, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"
In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"
Confused, and knowing he can't lie, the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"
The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracts back into the heavens. The man feels the water move once again.
As the atheist looks back, he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.
Shocked, the man watches as the huge beast closes its eyes, bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive..."

Chemistry Song 12

I Saw Teacher Kissing Santa Chlorine
I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine
under the chemistree last night
They didn't sneak me down the periodic chart
to take a peek
At all the atoms reacting in their beakers;
it was neat.
And I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine
under the chemistree so bright
Oh what a reaction there would have been
if the principal had walked in
With teacher kissing Santa Chlorine last night.