Jokes of the day for Sunday, 11 October 2015

Success

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.
On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"

Upon hearing that her elderly

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous. Simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the damned ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Cast Out of Eden

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. "Your mother ate us out of house and home."

A man seating on a window seat...

A man seating on a window seat discovered two engines on fire. He began to holler, two engines on fire! Two engines on fire! The passengers began to panic. Suddenly the pilot ran from the cockpit with a parachute on his back. “Don’t worry”! He yelled. I’m going for help!

God is watching

One Sunday a priest announced he was passing out minature crosses made of palm leaves. "Put this cross in the room where your family argues most," he advised. "When you look at it, the cross will remind you that God is watching."

When the parishoners were leaving church, a woman walked up to the priest, shook his hand and said, "I'll take five."

 Business One-liners 104

You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
You can observe a lot just by watching.
You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickles in the machine.
You can't fall off the floor.
You can't get here from there.
You can't guard against the arbitrary.
You can't outtalk a man who knows what he's talking about.
You can't push a rope.
You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it.
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash when the garbage truck is two doors away.

Porn Defined

I repeatedly hear that pornography is difficult, if not impossible, to define. Nonsense. Nothing could be easier. Pornography is simply sexually oriented material which is damaging to the moral fibre of other people. There. Plain and simple. You will note that damaging and dangerous as pornography is, it never seems to damage the morality of the individual who has carefully studied the stuff and is now denouncing it. Must be something like the professional immunity physicians enjoy.

People often wonder about the difference between "hard core" and "soft core" pornography. Another simple difference.

"Soft core" pornography is that which gives one a soft-on. So there.

What stays in one corner bu...

Q: What stays in one corner but travels around the world?
A: A stamp.

“If you can't choose

“If you can't choose between an angry psychic and a sad psychic, you'll have to find a happy medium.”

Put about 100 bricks in some p

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an openwindow. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leavethem alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyse the situation.
If they are counting the bricks. Put them in the accounts department.
If they are recounting them. Put them in auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks. Put them inengineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order. Put them in planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other. Put them in operations.
If they are sleeping. Put them in security.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces. Put them in information technology.
If they are sitting idle. Put them in human resources.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has beenmoved. Put them in sales.
If they have already left for the day. Put them in marketing.
If they are staring out of the window. Put them on strategic planning.
And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved,congratulate them and put them in Executive Management.

Air & Sex

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

A student would do anything

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam," she says.
She leans closer to him,
flips back her hair,
and gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean,"
she whispers,
"I would do anything..."
He returns her gaze,
"Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens,
"Anything?"
"Anything,"
she repeats again.
His voice turns to a whisper.
"Would you
... study?"

Nun of Your Business

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, This is for washing our hair.
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
The curlers are on me.

Excuses!

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.

After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.

Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.

He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.

After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.

Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"

"Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits!"

Submitted by Glaci

Edited by Curtis

Paul Varghese: Buying a Convertible

I was actually thinking about buying a convertible... But then I thought, what if I was at a stoplight -- how would I avoid the homeless guy?