Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 30 December 2015
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 30 December 2015 |
A guy gets set up on a blind d...
A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order. The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price. The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much.
She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, "What do you suggest I wash it down with?"
"Well my dear, how about the Mississippi river?"
The lucky old man!
An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.
"Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we make love. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make love. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we make love."
The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!"
So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"
Blonde Jokes
what do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?you pull the pin and throw it back
how does a blonde kill a fish?
she drowns it
how does a blonde kill a worm?
she burys it
how does a blonde kill a bird?
she throws it of a cliff
how do you kill a blonde?
you put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool/you put a condom on top of a flag pole
A farting, spinning ungulate i
A farting, spinning ungulate is the sign of a gnu whirled odor.An old man was sitting on a bu...
An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green,red,orange,blue,and yellow. The old man Just stared. Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.
Snail visits bar
The landlord of a pub, is just locking up, when there's a ring on the doorbell.
He opens the door, and there's a snail sitting there. "What do you want?" asks the landlord.
The snail replies that he wants a drink.
"Go away, we're closed, and we don't serve snails anyway".
The snail pleads and pleads with the barman to give it a drink, at which the landlord gets fed up, kicks the snail and slams the door.
..... Exactly one year later, he's locking up again, and there's a ring at the doorbell. The landlord opens the door, and looks down to see a snail sitting there. "What do you want" says the landlord.
"What did you do that for" says the snail.
Two blondes were in a parking ...
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't.The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris...
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.Computer Flatlined..
I work in a busy office, and when a computer goes down it causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor."This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror.
"Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"
I Have A Question
A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?
The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived...
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could.
Dancing Duck
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
