Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 15 March 2016

How many people yelled into this door?

How many people yelled into this door? (April Fools' Day pranks)

There was a young fellow who w

There was a young fellow who was quite inventive and was always trying out new things. One day he thought he'd see just how fast a bicycle could go before it became uncontrollable. He asked his friend, who owned an old Mustang, if he could tie his bike to the bumper of his car to test his theory. His friend said, "Sure."
So the young man tied his bike to the back of the car and said to his friend:
"I'll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go faster, twice if I want you maintain speed, and repeatedly if I want you to slow down."
With that, off they went. Things were going pretty well, with the car driver slowly speeding up to well over 60 mph. The young fellow on the bike was handling the speed just fine. But, all of sudden, a black Corvette came up beside them and before you knew it the fellow driving the Mustang forgot all about the fellow on the bike and took to drag racing the Corvette.
A little further down the road sat Officer John in his police cruiser, radar gun at the ready. He heard the two cars before his radar flashed 105 mph.
He called into headquarters on his radio: "Hey, you guys aren't going to believe this, but there's a Corvette and a Mustang racing out here on Highway 3, and there's a guy on a bike ringing his bell and waving his arms trying to pass them!"

“When the church boug

“When the church bought gas for their annual barbecue, proceeds went from the sacred to the propane.”

You Probably Need a New Psychic If...

-Every time you draw the Death card, she yells "Go Fish!"
-He insists that your astrological sign is "the Armadillo"
-She has this sign in the window: "As Seen on '60 Minutes'"
-Psychics Magazine rates him just below fortune cookies, just above your mom
-She shakes her crystal ball, then predicts a large snowstorm

A tyrant is like bad weather:

A tyrant is like bad weather: The reign never lets up.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND B

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a"BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" -She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLYACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a"LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a"PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITYIMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - Shegets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" -She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes"VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLYEXTROVERTED."
11 She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUEHOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a"LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He hasdeveloped a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLYCAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" -He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLEREGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers"GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" -He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of"RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - Hehas "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is"RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLYFOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants-It's"REAR CLEAVAGE."

Pick-up line comebacks...

He: Haven't we met before?
She: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the Bad Breath Clinic.

He: Is this seat empty?
She: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

He: So, wanna go back to my place?
She: I don't know. Can two people fit under a rock?

He: Your place or mine?
She: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

He: So what do you do for a living?
She: I'm a female impersonator.

He: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
She: Do Not Enter

He: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
She: Unfertilized.

He: Hey, we're both here for the same reason.
She: Right, let's pick up some chicks.

He: I want to give myself to you.
She: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

He: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
She: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing.

He: I know how to please a woman.
She: Then please leave me alone.

He: I'd go to the end of the world for you.
She: Sure, but would you stay there?

Helping A Blond Lose Weight

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

Make Babies

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more that a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl.

"You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

Yo momma's so fat, she played

Yo momma's so fat, she played the role of the boulder in the first Indiana Jones movie.

Horse Race

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this horse. What is he - deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"      

Moral of the story

O n elephant and a mouse are walking together through the jungle when the elephant falls into a very large hole. The hole is so large that try as he might, the elephant is unable to climb out.

So the mouse says, "Hang around, I'll get something to drag you out with" and leaves. A little while later the mouse returns driving a Porsche and with a rope tied to the bumper bar and he drags the elephant out of the hole.

The two friends continue their stroll through the jungle when all of a sudden, the mouse falls into a hole. The elephant immediately stands over the hole and squatting over it, lowers his penis so the mouse can grab it and lift himself out of the hole.

The moral of this story is that "If your dick is long enough you dont need a Porsche."

Circle of flies....

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, 'Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?' The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, 'Well yeah, if that's what they are, but I never heard of circle flies.'

So the farmer says, 'Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.'

The trooper says, 'Oh,' and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, 'Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?'

The farmer says, 'Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass.'

The trooper says, 'Well, that's a good thing,' and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, 'Hard to fool them flies though...'

Juston McKinney: Stay Off My Wall

My wife is actually a little upset with me right now because I wont approve her as a friend on my Facebook. Im like, You got every wall in the house. Can I have one wall without you popping up on and ruining it? Stay off my wall.

Second-hand goods

A divorced man bumps into his ex-wife's new husband at a party.

After knocking back a few drinks, he walks over to the guy and sneers: "So, how do you like using second-hand goods?"

"Doesn't bother me," the new husband replies. "Once you get past the first three inches, it's all brand new."