Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 24 May 2016

Q: What did the blanket say wh

Q: What did the blanket say when it fell of the bed?
A: "Oh sheet!"

She burst into the office and

She burst into the office and shouted. "Doctor, I can't stand it! You've got to tell me what's wrong!"
He slowly surveyed her from head to toe and said, "Well, young lady, I do have three things to tell you."
"First, you need to lose about fifty pounds."
"Second, you'd look a lot better if you used about one-tenth the blush and lipstick."
"Third, I'm an artist. The doctor is on the next floor."

“The water department

“The water department staff said they would be fluid in answering all mystifying questions asked at a recent meeting.”

1. The roundest knight at King

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10.. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the n*dist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
23 . When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

Rooney on Answering machines

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is "Share the love."

"Beep." "Uh, yeah. . . this is the VD clinic calling. . .Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."

-- Andy Rooney

Clinton at the May Day parade

The May Day parade in Moscow is the largest, most important military parade of the year. For 1992's parade, Yeltsin and Gorbachev invited Bill Clinton to come watch it with them. The parade commenced with a battalion of tanks, followed by a division of infantry, followed by armored personnel carriers and mobile artillery. They had mobile ballistic missile launchers, electronic jamming vehicles, and throughout the entire time the formations were overflown by squadrons of the most advanced interceptors, fighters, and long-range tactical and strategic bombers.

Clinton, who had never been this close to war in his life, was suitably impressed. Then he noticed that, way back at the end of the parade, there was a disorganized, messy bunch of men in rumpled suits tagging along behind the last artillery pieces. "Who are they?" he asked.

"Ah," said Yeltsin, "those are our economists!"

"But I thought this parade was military..." said Clinton, confused.

"Mr. Clinton," said Gorbachev, "have you SEEN the damage those men can do?"

Typewriter

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

Ronald McDonald in a N*dist Colony

Q: How do you find Ronald McDonald in a n*dist colony?
A: Look for sesame seed buns.

A man and his wife were sittin...

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

Chuck Norris can cook minute r...

Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.

The Yiddish Parrot

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home one day. He was wishing something wonderful would happen to his life when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish: "Quawwwwk...vus macht du...!"
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it! Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?"
In a matter of moments, Meyer purchased the bird and carried the parrot home. All night long he talked with the parrot...in Yiddish. The parrot listened while sharing some walnuts.
The next morning, Meyer began saying his prayers. The parrot wanted to pray, too. Meyer hand made a miniature yamulke for the parrot. The parrot also wanted to read Hebrew, so Meyer spent months teaching him the Torah.

On Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose, got dressed, and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that a synagogue was not a place for a bird, but the parrot pleaded and was carried to the synagogue on Meyer's shoulder.
Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the rabbi. At first, the rabbi refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer convinced him that the parrot could pray. Wagers were made on whether the parrot could speak Yiddish or not.
All eyes were on the two of them during services. The parrot was still perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed...but the parrot didn’t say a word. Annoyed, Meyer said "Pray, parrot! You can pray...do it now while everybody's looking at you!" The parrot said nothing.
After services were over, Meyer realized he owed the synagogue over four thousand dollars. He marched home, saying nothing. Finally, several blocks from the temple, the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song.
Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird...you cost me over four thousand dollars today. Why? After I taught you the morning prayers, taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And, after you begged me to bring you to a synagogue on Rosh Hashanah...Why did you do this to me?"
"Don't be an idiot," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds we'll get on Yom Kippur!"

A Texan farmer goes to Austral...

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

What do you call whe...

“What do you call when only one twin survives during pregnancy? Survival of the fetus.”

White priest goes and lives with an African tribe...

White priest goes and lives with an African tribe

He spends his days teaching the way of the lord. After several years, a village woman gives birth to a white baby. The Chief is not happy with this. When he confronts the priest, the priest tries to explain these things happen in nature. With the chief not understanding, the priest tries to explain further....

"ok chief. See that flock of sheep?"

"Mmm yes".

"See they are all white, but that one black one?"

"Mmm yes".

"Does that help you to understand?"

"Mmm yes. I no say nothing about baby, you no say nothing about sheep."

>

Boarding From What Gate?

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.